Slide Off The Moon

I hate not writing in here for a long time because of the "catching up" part. I shall summarize then. 1. Met a guy through okcupid.com (yeah, I'm sad and pathetic. Whatever.) He goes to U of I, 22 years old, single child, majoring in Graphic Design, has a band called Climate where he is the lead guitar / vocals. 2. I got kicked out of ISU because of my shitty grades / gpa. 3. Still no car, still working at Border's, still in debt. Damn it, I hate only writing in here when I'm in a shitty mood. Why not happy, huh? I have no idea, but I'm just so tired of it. I'm so tired with everything. I don't understand life anymore and why I have to fail at it. Yeah, I finally have a boyfriend and I should be happy about it, and I was, but I am so scared and paranoid of it's failure that I think I will ruin it because of it. He talks to this girl he met online, Marley, who lives in Australia because of the similar interest in Silverchair. They've...

22:46:18) Clayton: hello (22:46:22) Ashley: bonjour (22:46:35) Clayton: i really wanna say something to kaytie's away message but it would just be a bad idea (22:46:57) Ashley: hmm (22:46:59) Ashley: perhaps. (22:47:07) Ashley: She doesn't even really like to talk about it with me. (22:47:11) Ashley: (22:14:20) Ashley: Doing homework? (22:14:33) Dan: nope (22:15:49) Ashley: ok (22:16:33) Dan: why (22:17:02) Ashley: Well, I was going to bother you with something but I'm lazy. (22:17:11) Dan: ok (22:17:35) Ashley: yup (22:27:13) Ashley: I was going to explain why I was upset last night/this morning but I don't even really care anymore. (22:27:14) Dan : I looked in thr mirror while i was shaving today and I was like, whoah, is that Tom Brady?.....No it's not Tom Brady, it's just me. (22:27:25) Dan: ok tell me (22:27:39) Ashley: There, happy? Sheesh. Now if you really WANTED me to talk in front of Clayton about it I can. (22:28:17) Dan: i dopnt care (22:28:25) Ash...

Nothing ever seems to change. I sit here, I think, and what wants to come out still remains the cries of loneliness, confusion, disappointment... I did get some money finally. I will more than likely waste it quickly. I'm trying not to though. I am paying off bills which will free me from their harassing calls. Enough of that. What I would really like to do now is travel. First by car...far...at night when I may look out the window at the darkened scenery, horizon, the stars... I just want to go somewhere. I love the fall. I love dressing warmer and seeing all the colors and just the overall feel. Oui.

In a Pub downtown No, two blocks ago There were men, two And conversation that flowed But not from my lips Or eyes or from hands From their partners pursuation And a joke over a band That I made play But now staring out The light and street I must move about Find more to do Because this Pub, two Blocks far from misery Feeling bored from you

The draw of a powerful and deep conversation renews repressed and controlled thoughts, feelings, desires. We spoke of loneliness and of dealing with it...rather, not dealing with it. His repression through outward liveliness, mine of inner torment and extroverted pain. For him, it began with a visual cue of cute interaction at a masquerade. A beautiful face, body language reaching and leaning with unintentional suggestive ideas. These ideas spawned a hesitant dialogue. Of course, it was about another girl...could I hear it? Could I? For the pathetic moment of feeling needed, yes. He told of unrequited love, or rather, lust. The enjoyment of their interactions, her looks, his need of filling the gap. The whole time thinking... I can be that for you. I could fill the void. I need you the way you want to be needed. After a glance in the mirror, I reminded myself why that could not be.

Blase: well it could be better by the fact that i don't have tests up the ass but besides that all is good Ashley: Yah, I don't appreciate tests in my ass either. Blase: yeah ouch imagine the paper cuts Ashley: haha Ashley: gross Blase: hey now u brought it to that point Ashley: I know. Ashley: teehee Blase: old butt cut ashley they call her

I should be studying for my politics test. Instead, I will blog at length. Maybe. I'll just go over recent thoughts of mine...concerns...happenings. I don't believe I wrote in here before...wait I did. Yeah, that I had sex with Dan. Well, a month ago we did and then recently, the early hours of the 30th and the early hours of the 7th we did again. I knew both times would happen. There's a sort of chemistry between us that is quiet but apparent when not intoxicated. When intoxicated, it radiates and teases. We play this childish hide-n-go-seek game where we keep our doors slightly ajar and the lights on...a hint of where we hide, wondering who will find the other first. When one of us is seen, we pretend around and look for an opening. Then it is kissing, passionate, desperate, seeking who-knows-what. I must admit, I love to make him sigh. I love that his mouth never leaves me. I love the fire in his eyes. I also enjoy being on top. We also have not used protect...

I don't even have the energy to blog anymore. It seems like a lot of work to me. My classes are getting that way also. I'm starting to stumble and fall...letting the other students run past me in the college marathon while I get trampled. I'm hoping that I get a second wind. Right now though, it doesn't look promising. I don't think I'll ever get through college. So lonely. In 4 months, it will be a year since I've had a boyfriend. This is beyond me.

Next door the old flame slowly simmers unnecessarily and wrongly. When will the jealousy die out? It should be me. It should not be, also. And now? We present pathetic drunk attempts at anything.

Sometime during the evening, an unnoticed and unrecorded time, things began to make no sense so much that sense was made. There was nothing left here to lead her on. A love taking her hand and beckoning, "come, see what happens." There was no solid financial support to ensure that her path will not be cluttered and unmanageable. Like a familiar, wonderful television series that exhausted interesting plot line possibilities, it was time to go before things worsened. The clarity warmed over her and there was no fearful uncertainty. She thought about the people who might care. There were some friends who even told her how much pain they'd go through if she died. But that was unstoppable. Actually, it brought her greedy pleasure to know this. Nobody ever cares until you are dying, until you are gone or threaten to be. With so many happy, content people in the world, it was so unfair to not have received a portion of her share. Where was the completely trustworthy ...

Been researching suicide more often. I think I'm going to start on a note. I really don't have anything to live for. The same old things are the only things I see coming: debt, loneliness, betrayal, pain. I think I'd finish off more with gusto if I were just to die now. I wish there was some magical death pill I could take, go to sleep, and that is it. Being a chicken of pain is the only thing keeping me alive. I wish I wanted to die much more.

Dan and I had sex. The shocking thing is? He had only three drinks that night. At first we didn't talk about it, but finally we did tonight. During that night it seemed he was ashamed or such. When I asked him about that, he said he was unsure of doing anything because I had previously been complaining that stuff only happens when there had been drinking and he didn't want me to be upset about that. I asked him why, if he wasn't drunk, that he allowed that to happen and he said nothing, dodging the question. He asked me right back why I did it, which I also avoided. So overall: I still know nothing. Men, if you have any insight, please provide because I am confused. Here is what I think though. Dan is my roommate. There I am, slightly tipsy, kissing him. Is he really going to say no? No. Why? Easy loving, I suppose. Another roommate using me for proximity convenience.

I feel like repeating myself! Warning, this may contain text that has been previously repeated: I hate people. I hate being used. I don't even think I can explain. Just...fuck Gunnar, fuck men, fuck being lonely and only being a piece of ass to people when nobody can even look at me and think of me as relationship material. I'm sick of not being enough. I hate stupid friends too who don't even care about me anymore and ditch me and talk shit about me. I just want for once for somebody to actually like me and be there for me, not ditch me, not treat me like shit or ignore me. I never get anybody I can trust or any friends that last more than a couple years or a relationship that works out. I hate always wanting to kill myself because I seriously think there is nothing at all in my future. I'm probably just going to cry myself to sleep because if I stay up I'll just be miserable and hurt myself. I really, really hope I get good at this closing people off thin...

I know what I want. I want him to care a lot about me. I want him to call me a lot, to go out of his way for me, to invite me along wherever he goes, plan things alone with me, confide in me, lean on me, to be his everything. I want him to want me to be his closest best friend. I am greedy. I want his attention on me. He shouldn't be interested in other girls or talk to me about how attractive they are. But we wouldn't be dating. We wouldn't be exclusive. Yet, there would be nobody else out there for us. Does this make sense? I guess it would be like we are dating but we wouldn't be. We wouldn't need to have sex. We would just hug, cuddle, hold hands, kiss. But that is all. That is what I want. I don't understand myself.

Sigh. So I had the best dream ever about Clayton last night. No sex, just genuine affection and care. It would be so hard to sit down and write everything that happened, mainly because when you do that with dreams it makes no sense to anybody but you. But there was something having to do with J.K. Rowling...another book had used Ron Weasley's name and something else, so we were giving her tips on how to change it so she didn't get sued. Then there was this remake of Hogwarts across the road. Something happened and I got hurt so I couldn't cross the road. I had passed out but then woke up and was crying out in pain. I had some broken bones or such and had to be taken to the hospital. There was something else like in town...we kept coming together and kissing....oh, there was some wrestling storyline going on but Clayton was the wrestler and I was the other person in the story...Laura was there but I was protecting him from her. I don't know. See? It doesn...

(02:54:14) Stephen: quittin' Borders, are we? (02:54:53) Ashley: Sigh. I'd talk to you about it, but frankly, I don't trust any damn worker there anymore with anything. (02:55:09) Stephen: that hurts, Ashiz. (02:55:13) Stephen: deep, seering hurt. (02:55:38) Ashley: I know it does hurt. I went through that today. With good reason. (02:55:58) Ashley: So I'm sorry, but my faith in people is no more. (02:56:27) Stephen: must have been a bad day (02:57:02) Ashley: Oh I'm sure with the anti-Ashley gossip grapevine you'll hear all about it. (02:57:40) Stephen: i think you should tell me what happened so i won't have to rely on a grapevine. (02:57:57) Ashley: sigh (02:58:37) Ashley: Well apparently Neeva and Laura dislike me and decided to raise hell about it to the point that Tami received over four e-mails...all dealing with me. (02:58:52) Ashley: So frankly they have issues with me that I was previously unaware of. (03:00:08) Ashley: You know, I'm fucking...

So I'm really excited to fly out to Arizona to see my Grandma. I love flying and traveling. I wish I could do it more often but you know, money. I'm really nervous though because I only have two anti-depressant pills left. I probably will be short tempered and sad. I think I am meeting up with Andrew at the airport also. I kind of doubt it. I have no idea what we will do either. Hmm. I've been seeing Gunnar again. I'm actually kind of happy about it. I'm not pleased with what happened before but I'm moving past it. I like that I can be honest with him. I told him how I lose interest with guys after a while and how I cheat on them. Neither of us are looking for anything with commitment because he is leaving and because I don't want to commit. I'm just really lonely though. I need physical affection. I want love. I've been too miserable lately also. I've blown off a lot of people in preference for moping in my room. I am just too d...

My extremely annoying ex-boyfriend is visiting today. I am not happy about this. When will they leave me alone?

I walked far with a blank swagger, staring ahead at nothing. Cars with bright headlights went by and the urge to jump in front of one bit at me every time. We all are going to die sometime. Why not go out dramatically instead of pathetically? I thought about how I would jump out at the last minute, turn to face the car, and charge at it as if bumping playfully at a friend. I would get thrown, fall into a position of impossibly twisted limbs, blood trickling from out the corner of my mouth. If possible, I'd get out my phone and get a hold of Clayton to let him know I was dying. Then I'd scoff at myself after imagining this death. As if they would care about you, huh? Fucking idiot. Of course not. He was too busy acquiring hickies and fucking the whores that stopped in for the evening. Loudly, on the other side of my bedroom wall. So against his wishes, at the end of my catatonic walk, I bought my cigarettes and walked back to the apartment. Sometimes pure anger and ...

Never never never never never... ...never gonna get over it, am I? I don't believe so. There will always be alcohol. There will always be pain. Something for me to brood over. Isn't it? And it is always him. When I sit down to blog, it is him I first think of. So stupid. Get over it. You are not it, ok? I really cannot drink anymore. I feel pain, punishment, sadness, self-destruction. But I cannot really go through life and not expect to be sad, right? Greedily, I want somebody to feel sorry for me. I want somebody to fucking hug me. I want somebody to go out of their way and do something wonderful. I always do that for others. Sure it isn't something extravagant, but I do what I can within my means. I never see others do that for me. Again I feel that bottomless pit that I am falling in, nobody to catch me, to be the bottom, or to be there when I SMACK into the cold unforgiving ground. I want LOVE. Somebody to find me, to think I'm wonderful, to loo...

My previous post, as if it wasn't noticeable, was the night of Zack's 21st birthday. I don't feel like going into details, so here's an overview; I got really drunk, locked myself in my room, cut myself pretty badly, Clayton broke down my door and talked to me while I cried and cried. It was a bad night. Now Clayton has his ex-girlfriend Kaitlyn staying the weekend. Last night he went drinking with her and came home late. They stayed in the same bed, made-out. I've gotten to the point where I believe I am over him, and realistically, I am. I don't have any desire to date him. Yet, I still get angry for him having his ex here. I don't know. I guess it's just dumb. Who cares. Zack broke up with Annie. So now we are all single. This is so sad. I feel like I can't be here anymore. I just can't. I can't have drunken freak-outs. I'm just so miserable still. I've been taking my antidepressants. Well, I kind of skip them som...

Nobodyb fuck8ing cares about you until you are bleeding and fuickin about rto die; Novody notices yupou or pay s a cop?mpliment untli you are abou tto bleed everybwhere fo rthem until you are their.s. This is bullshit cause I know I am fat and that they :Nwilo onley care when I'm nleeding for then. Fuck life., I hop e I do die. My thingsJ? Thy can go to owhoever the fuck think sthey care whether or nont I die. Who is that? Nobody/ I stole the spotlight from Zack. He was thorowin g up and then I wanted to ie os they tried to fuck me.. Sleep.

Today I'm going to the Student Health Services so I can find out why I keep getting nauseated. I wouldn't really go, although I should, but work needs a note. You know, I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person at work who gets hell for leaving/calling in. It's bullshit, that's what it is. I don't even really enjoy working there anymore. I should just quit before they get the chance to fire me over something real stupid. I can almost guarantee it will be something dumb. I got written up for drinking soda water before paying for it. I put it right in the open too so they knew it wasn't like I was sneaking it around. I did enjoy my job there, so it isn't like I would jeopardize it over something dumb as soda water. So, two nights ago, Saturday night, Clayton and I went to the Pub II. (not the reason I went home early from work, mind you) Long story short, we both drank a lot, came home, he got naked on our living room floor, I passed out...

OK. I really have to think if life is worth living anymore. I really have to think about this. To live or die? It's just logical now. No more riding on emotions. Facts. You will be broke Ashley. You will fuck up any and all relationships in your life whether it be romantic or friendships. Have you had any friend lasting more than four years? No. Do you really try to keep in contact with your family or express your love? No. I'm thinking a nice long cut along my leg would be nice...the blood....punishment. Stupid girl. You are ugly and fat. He could never love your fat disgusting ass. You fucking fool. You would break his heart and you know it. You'd fuck the first guy that came along and offered it to you. Yes you would. Then you'd have to leave him. His friends would mock him...fat girlfriend...fat stupid girl with emotional problems. Ha. And your mother?? LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER! That is your future, you know. That is why you should die. Di...

I can't even properly cry anymore. I used to just cry until I stopped with exhaustion. Now, a couple tears come out, no more. It's more of a hallow, blank feeling. Just a heavy sadness that doesn't seem to lift. I guess Clayton and I had our first semi-misunderstanding. He laughed at Gunnar (a guy I've been seeing) for him doing Civil War reenacting. It made me mad because Gunnar is a nice, cool guy who actually likes me and finally makes me feel beautiful and accepted ever since this dumb Clayton thing. Clayton turned me down cause I'm not up to par with his standards. And then he has the nerve to make fun of a guy I've moved on to? No way does he have that right. I'm trying to get over him, so don't even do that. So I was a bit of a jerk to him after that because I was angry and hurt. I'm trying real hard to get over him. I don't even properly know what it is I want from him. I guess just more affection. More emotion, care, etc. ...

I want to hurt myself again. I feel I deserve it for being so damn stupid as to fall for Clayton and then move in with him. And then to run out of anti-depressants and drink, smoke, whatever, thereby just heightening all the shitty feelings I feel. I can't move forward, I can't take things back. I'm just stuck here watching him brush me off, walk past me, forget me. It's just so hard. I keep failing at everything. I can't keep a hold of God. I can't be consistent with medication. I can't get off my lazy ass and make things better. I just keep losing to everything and end up crying in my room, pathetic feeling sorry for myself. I'm such an idiot to think he could ever love me. Why should I let him even try? I'll probably just end up ruining that too. I don't want to try anymore. Trying leads to failing. Why not spare the energy and humiliation by giving up now? I really wish i just had the balls to kill myself now. I'm going ...

Hooray for finally sitting down and blogging! As said before, I was taking antidepressants. I normally blog when I am sad. So, being that I was taking those, I wasn't as sad and didn't really have anything to say. Now that I have run out of antidepressants because I'm lame and didn't make another appointment...well, I guess I've been sort of feeling it return bit by bit. Especially when I drink which I have been doing quite a bit of this summer. At our party June 2nd, I really got down. I drank a lot. Mainly because of the "crush that never ends." I punched a wall. It hurt a bit. I tried to get a grip and get over it because sitting in my room bawling and bringing other people down wasn't how I wanted shit to go. Bah. I have nothing really to say other than to bitch about the Clayton thing. It's so stupid, really it is. I just like him a lot and I don't know what to do with that anymore. Obviously I haven't really gotten over i...

I must give up on Clayton. I think I have...but I have to wait for the feelings to die. Or I just need to find a new person to be infatuated with. He's been talking to his ex-girlfriend lately, asking her to hang out and such. So, I definitely know he is not into me. So, hopefully moving on! Damn it! Um, I like Blase, my friend from when I worked at the movie theatre in LaSalle. He's awesome. And very cute. But, again, I don't believe he likes me. Unless he comes to ISU, I'll barely see him. So again, moving on! Moving onto what? I have no idea. Why do I feel I need to have somebody! Could it be cause people around me have somebody? Maybe. It's just so strange. I don't really feel like I'm missing something. I just want something, or rather, somebody. Maybe I don't desperately want something because of all the drama and pain that comes from it, and eventually cheating on them, and it ending horribly. I'm sort of comfortable flirti...

Ashley: 5:40pm May 5th Your damn check bounced. Every check you have ever given me has bounced. Now, it is $150 you owe me because of the ten dollars they charged me. And I want it by Tuesday. No checks, cash. Also, we have to be moved out by May 10th. Krupa: 6:44pm May 5th I want my shit cleaned so i can pick it up on Tues. I want the glasses cleaned and my dishes cleaned. Ashley: 7:09pm May 5th If it really bothered you that much about us using them, maybe you should have cleaned them yourself and have taken them with you, along with all your other stuff, when you moved out. But leaving no notes, no nothing when you left, it really is arrogant to expect us to clean up after you. I will clean the dishes, the ones I remember that are yours, but I'm not touching any of your other stuff. Not sure why you are giving me attitude. You are the one who stomped on me. Krupa: 7:28pm May 5th i never asked u to clean anything else jus teh dishe snad my black plates that you guys still use. ...

Giving up on paper. Real tired.

My stomach is eating itself. I'm hungry. Dang it. I still have to walk all the way home from the dang library with tons o' stuff. I shouldn't wake up Christopher to drive me, considering it is 4:43 AM. Yeah, I don't believe he'd be too happy about it. Well anyways, I did all of my Art exams/quizzes online Monday night. So hooray for that. Tonight I finished my jazz presentation for Literature and the Related Arts. I'm still nervous about that class because I never turned in my Paper #1. Paper #2 is due Thursday and I haven't started that either. Shoot. I also have a Publishing paper due Thursday evening but that won't be hard. It's just a reflection thing. I might come out of this damn semester partly alive! I know I'm getting an F in Hypertext since the teacher was a douchebag and wouldn't let me make up shit even though I pretty much had my website done and it wouldn't have been hard for me to make-up the shit. Whatever. ...

So, I started taking my generic Prozac Tuesday morning. And oddly, it felt like it instantly started working. I was, and have been in a decent mood these two days. I don't know if it is my mind playing tricks or it really working because they said I wouldn't feel it for a while. I'm voting the mind trick thing. But alas, crying now. Mainly because I feel really, really lonely. Not depressed lonely, but romantic lonely. I feel like I will not find anybody. I've given up on Clayton. Oh, I still like him a lot, but I'm not expecting us to get together ever. I'll just settle for mucho liking as friends. Oddly, I feel like I cannot love anybody ever fully. I feel like I will never fall completely in love again. I'm always going to be afraid of cheating, of falling out of love eventually, of hurting them. Of them not being able to let me go. Blah. I'm just so damn lonely. I want love. I want somebody to love me again. I want the honeymoon feeli...

Wrote this sitting there. Invent the delayed dialogue soon to come, someday whenever. If ever there was a way without knowing they'll never be showing unless the damaged liquid brings some harmonious freeing feelings, some animalistic offering. Otherwise unnoted though both bodies are undevoted. How hard has it been... how hard must he be to not feel me? Feel free to take me someday whenever, if ever there was a way to make growing the knowings of devotings.

I wish something ELSE would kill be since I'm too big of a fucking pansy to do it myself. Why? 'Cause I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING! That's fucking why. There goes getting my paper done, or anything done. Now I'm just gonna be in my fuckin' room laying down all day. Damn it, I just want to fuckin' hurt myself, punish myself for pissing everybody off. I just keep hurting, drama, bad friend, etc. I think I'm going to go lay in my room and sink into nothingness so I don't do anything...not that I would cause I'm too fucking afraid to. sigh, tear

Live 1. So others won't be sad if I die, if anybody would even be sad. 2. Debt? Would it disappear or be dumped on somebody else? 3. The slim possibility of all this ending. Die 1. Endless debt stretched before me. 2. Broken friendships/relationships. 3. Failing school. 4. Disappointing people. 5. No love life, or even if I get one, I cheat on them. 6. No passion for anything. Hmm. Seems like death wins for two times the reasons.

I finished my midterm for Literature finally and e-mailed it yesterday. I finished my publishing letter. I did some laundry. I grabbed a fafsa form and filled out what I could. Now, still to do: Paper #1, Paper #2, presentation, online responses - Literature Editing exercise - Publishing 2 Exams - World Art And then the final assignments whenever I get them. Lord, is the semester over yet?

So I told myself today that when I saw Sarah I would not talk about my depression at all or Clayton. And I did anyways. I'm lame. I can't wait until something new comes into my life. It will be nice to talk about something else for a change. I spent the whole day with her and the other ladies. I should have been working on my stupid homework and whatever, stuff I haven't done. Damn it. Now I don't want to go to my classes today since I haven't done any of the work. I'm going to feel real lame. I can't wait for the summer. Bring it on!

So... Everything fell apart again. I was given a second chance in my classes and I blew it. I didn't take, because I forgot, two art exams. I didn't turn in my literature paper last Tuesday. I still haven't done any publication assignments. I still haven't turned in my FASFA. Still haven't fixed the bounced check. Bills bills bills. I don't know why I keep making these "I'm a Loser Because..." lists. It's like I need to remind myself why I'm a failure. Not that I forget, but it's like an anti-To-Do list. A To-Late list. So, being that I have 100 points absent in my art class, I pretty much don't need to go to that class anymore. That was the one class I thought I'd at least do decent in. In Clayton news: Ugh, je ne sais pas. I was over at his place after a frat party, "passed out" on his bed and I overheard him and his roomies having a manly chat. Now, given I couldn't hear everything and I was a bit tip...

Everyday, everyday Living my life like it's over Like it's over and deep underground. Little look, little smile Flick the switch and it's over Like it's lost and can never be found. I really hope I'm being overdramatic and worring all for nothing. Maybe I should just concentrate on my stories.

I know I just got done posting the last blog, but I guess I'm just not done blabbing. I'm really sad. I'm really miserable and I want to talk to somebody. When I got home from work today, I burst into tears because I was miserable (I missed an Exam in World Art worth 50 points, Andi yelled at me at work, bills, etc.) Christopher tried to comfort me but I slipped into the Black Ick, the nothingness. I just wanted to be weightless, limp, and stare into nothing. I just shut off completely. It felt good though because my head hurt a lot and I didn't want to get into the deep sobbing. I'm just so fucking tied up and miserable about this fucking Clayton thing! I just want to fucking know! Just tell me what the hell you want so I can move on or forward, whatever the case may be. Augh! I never even did that paper for Literature that was due Tuesday. God I'm such a fucking loser. I hate my life, I really do. I mean, last week I felt good. I was going to my c...

I have decided. I must get over Clayton. I must harden myself against such feelings. I cannot afford to keep getting let down by guy after guy. Hell, mainly I let them down, but I can't let myself do that either. I think he has made it very clear that he has no interest in me beyond fucking while drunk. No calls, no texts, no stupid myspace or facebook messages. Either he really is shy and doesn't know how to act, or it's just sex. One way or another, I'm done. I feel like I'm bothering him, I can't stop thinking about him, and it's just not good overall. I want to ask him, but I don't want to confuse things or make him regret living with me. So again, I keep inside. I build my walls.

Stephen: Its a dark hole in the semester when even creative writing doesn't spark my interest. Stephen: granted I've been sitting in this chair for at least 4 hours. Ashley: Get up and stretch...massage your booty. Stephen: woo Stephen: that actually feels really nice Stephen: when someone else does it Stephen: i don't care if that was awkward, its fucking true. Ashley: Haha, it was not awkward. I agree. Ashley: I also like the back of my legs getting massaged. That feels good too. Stephen: agreed Stephen: Ohhh, its the lower back thats getting me right now, though. Stephen: blast Ashley: Good to know we both have the love of an ass massage in common. Stephen: wow...Jack Sparrow is indefinitely a cultural icon now haha Ashley: Aren't those videos insane? I'd love to play Elizabeth Swan...if I looked like her....which I don't... Ashley: But it would be fun to play beside him. Stephen: true Stephen: or play beside anyone....I'm in a play mood now....and i j...

Man, I'm kind of lazy to go into Friday night...or should I say very early on Saturday? Well, anyways, shortly after my last blog, Clayton had said he was at a party at Nathan's and that I could go over. So, getting excited, I got ready when all of a sudden he said that I better not cause he'd be leaving by the time I got there. Discouraged, I plummeted quickly into the nothingness and pain. I was upset to have been led on if only for a brief moment. I cried, stared into nothingness until he texted me again at 2:35 am "Sorry. You're not coming. Sorry, I'm really drunk now so I'm assuming I'll go home at any minute. I just don't wanna tell you to walk over here and then I won't be." I lied and said it was fine and that I was going on a walk anyways and then joked that I'd walk him home so he didn't get raped. He said, "OK, I'll call you." So, I sprinted out the door to make it all the way near Pub II to meet ...

I just watched "Punch Drunk Love" with Christopher. If you've ever seen it, you know then how Adam's character breaks shit and freaks out. I sort of feel that way. Maybe that's why when I drink, I want to throw shit around and beat up on Christopher. I just want to kick the crap out of somebody, anybody. I'd like to start a fight with some random person just to see if I could do it. I want to take my anger and frustration out on somebody. I'm so angry. I'm not even sure why. Well, I know Christopher made me upset about something stupid again. I was just sharing what I learned from this book "Generation Me" about like how people today are more unhappy than like 50 years ago, how things are more expensive, etc. and he was just shooting it down. Like, disagreed with everything, which is fine, but he made me feel like I was the one wrong and I was stupid for believing the book. Not his exact words, but he just made me feel that way whet...

That is NOT all for now... Um, actually it might be. Today was ok. Went to therapy, went to classes, signed up for next years classes....and now I will be napping. I sure hope somebody calls to do something tonight. I'll be bored. Sigh.

That is all.

Oh blog. I don't even know. Blah. I was so...blah...at work today. Mainly cause of dumb customers and the stupid sanitizer being broken which makes my job slightly more annoying. After the Krupa thing, I wonder what people really think of me now. Sometimes at work I have a feeling people do not like me, or think I'm annoying... They probably do. Oh well. Sometimes I care, sometimes I say fuck it. Oh, I e-mailed my teachers to see if they would let me make up work, and three out of four said sure. So, I have nothing to do Mondays or Wednesdays now. Hooray? Bed now, I guess.

Kyle: I can't get you off my mind! Me: Let me guess, April Fools? Kyle: dangit Me: Fuck off. Shit like this brings me down. This fucking shit. Does he even realize how he hurts me? Does he? I hate him.

Today was OK. Yesterday was OK. Everything is just sort of...OK. I guess on the plus side, my old charger officially died, but Christopher bought me a new one, so now I can charge that thing without a headache. Hooray! I think my toe is getting better, though it still hurts. Krupa still has yet to pay me back. I may have to move into threats which I would prefer not to do. And...um...not sure what else. My head hurts a lot, so I may actually retire early tonight. I want to talk to Clayton. Damn it. Must stop thinking about him so much. I'm going to anyways though. It gives me something happy to do.

Yeah. My toe is infected. How lame is that? So, out of an act of stupidity, I went to a frat party last night and ended up drinking more than intended to. I hate getting really drunk. I mean, there is nothing fun in it and you just end up feeling shitty later and not remembering anything. So really I think the effects are not worth enough for the cause. I went with Sarah, Kathy, Amber, and a couple girls from their floor. I didn't think I drank that much, but I sure did get fucked up fast. Oh, before all this, I got a phone call from Krupa saying she moved out of our apartment (again) and wanted me to go over there to drink. Apparently, according to Sarah, she had been planning this behind my back for quite some time and talking shit about me. You know, I went through this kind of crap in high school with my crap friends there. That's why I stopped being friends with them because they weren't really treating me like friends. I'm done with being talked about be...

Ashley: What is wrong for liking somebody based on personality? Clayton: but i have zero personality unless the other person is really outgoing Clayton: nothing Clayton: but it sucks for me! Clayton: actually Clayton: it sucks for me either way Clayton: damn it! im screwed Ashley: Clayton, in case you are blind, I do like you. And for both, looks and personality. So I mean, losen up! Clayton: my ranting doesnt really sound right now that i lok back on it Ashley: What about your rant is not right? Clayton: hehe, so you like the whole balding thing then Ashley: haha, It doesn't bother me, if that is what you are asking. Clayton: but i look like a dying cancer patient!!! Ashley: You really do not. Clayton: lol i know Clayton: ugh Ashley: Man, you sound almost more insecure than I am. Clayton: i hate when i do this, just complain about stupid crap Clayton: im sorry ... And nothing returned. I guess that's my answer.

I can't even post anymore because I know I'm just going to bitch about the same old shit. I'm so tired of it! Skipped classes all week, laid in bed, low energy. Let's be distracted by lovely photo! So yeah, still unsatisfied with the Clayton deal. I am being careful though not to fuck it up with over analysing, too many questions, etc. I just want to know if he really likes me or no. If he is feeling anything or just wants to go back to how things were before. I just want to know where he stands. We talked about IT, but not US. Forget it Ashley...just drunken stupid move. I'm aware of that, seriously, but my girly stupidness still nags at me. Shutting my face and going for a walk...if I have any energy at all.

I think it is.... It's a happy blog! If I would have wrote one Sunday after getting off work, it would have been a very depressed blog. So, to get started, Clayton's birthday party was on Saturday. Or maybe I should start with Friday. Eh, whatever. Friday Sarah and I went to see Stephen's play which was awesome! He was very hilarious in his role. Afterwords, we went over to Clayton's place and hung out, played Wii, etc. Sarah got along great with them which made me happy! Woot. So that being said, she felt better about going to the party on Saturday now that she knew people. So we got glam, rode with Amy, whom I was happy to see!, over to the party. OK, I'm not going to like give a walk through, but it rocked pretty much. I wasn't planning on getting too drunk. But after a while, I was like, fuck it! I danced, mingled, watched him to keg stands, danced more...then Scott and Stephen came over and we did a power hour which is when you do a shot of beer...

I'm thinking of filing for bankruptcy. I have bills nearly $3,000, a good chunk being from my little drunken experience of which the fucking ambulance guys said ISU would pay for! Yeah, right! Like they paid for my physical therapy?! I said I wasn't going to go if I had to pay for it. "Oh no, your insurance will cover it!" Yeah, ok, that's why I have a $115.00 bill! I literally don't have a dollar to my name. I can't concentrate on school. I haven't turned in half of my shit. The smart thing would be to drop out and get a second job. Ha! Already on my way to fulfilling my mediocre destiny just like the rest of my in-debt family! I truly am an Amigoni now! Fuck ya! I fuckin' hate my life! Whoo hoo! This is SO FUN! Hell ya! Where's that alcohol at, huh? Maybe I can take another fuckin' trip to the hospital! Hell, nothin' like a $1,000 bar tab, am I right? They should have just let me choke to death on my damn vomit....

So alone...I don't even know what to think, you know? There is just heaviness...beginning of black ick. Gravity pulling down A calm and yet chaos Rain pounding into A weathered umbrella The holy haven A drifting in the storm Fallen leaf alone Coasting over rock and rot Going, falling, pulled under Euphoric drowning No waiting breath Calmed lungs, limp Blissfully below The blinding glow Of endless epiphanies Sooo lonely. Nothing more to report. Same old crap...bad grades blah blah blah...money troubles etc. etc...

Got angry at Krupa and walked off tonight. It was even over something dumb that I could have blown off and let go. But instead I got mad, shaking mat to the point that it felt like it was going to burst, like I just wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. She wanted to go to a bar, Katie and I did not. I heard music playing, said it was pretty and I wanted to listen and drink wine, and she said she felt bad and didn't want to go to the bar anymore, etc. Anyways, I walked off, stared into space, went on the Internet, and came back. Katie probably hates me and Krupa too. I have too many emotions backed up from being so fucking happy all the time. It sounds like I am only having a bad time in Italy, but I'm really not. Only when it gets dark out, and I'm alone, and I think. what is up with my catatonic moments? Why are they laughing, sounding as if they are having a better time with me severed? I should have just gotten killed on the street. There is nowhere I can b...

I want another tattoo. Something my own that represents my pain. Maybe something on my lower back. Maybe like a full moon or something else. Who knows. I hate this black ick. I cannot even completely enjoy myself. I just keep thinking that Krupa is treating my like crap. I mean, I'll say something and she either snaps at me or ignores me. Maybe I'm imagining things, but normally my instinct is correct. I wish I came with somebody laid back who just wanted to get up and walk around, or I wish I could just spend a day alone, reflecting. Or, I just want to go home. Normally somebody would be so excited to be here. But I just get unhappy and I want to lock myself away, listen to my sad music and cry. I hate to say it, but I think it is Krupa. She just blows me off, doesn't even drag me in. I just feel like she's annoyed with me for some reason and would prefer it is f I were gone. I have to throw up some walls, harden myself, hide how I feel. I can't let...

We went out drinking tonight, somewhere obscure, I'm not sure where. Katie and Krupa got very, or at least somewhat tipsy. I'm a bit tipsy but not really too much. But I am at least to the point that the "black ick" is creeping upon me. I want to cry. I want to run out and place my hands against the cold stone buildings to feel everything here, here in Florence. I found out the problem. The problem is is that I don't really feel like I'm here. I don't feel alive. I feel like I'm not really part of my surroundings. I feel so lonely, unattached. God, if I cannot be happy in Italy, where can I? Where can I be happy? Why does this black ick consume me everywhere? Why am I so blah? I should be excited, happy, and silly with my friends. I should be drinking in every moment, feeling so alive. All I want to do now is find a dark room, crawl into a warm corner (cause I'm cold) and cry. I want to cry my eyes out, cut myself, band my head ag...

Private breath upon the window Clouding the stars Too strong to reach the cool caress Too weak to shake the muddled test Invest to pass the borders with breath Fogging the emptied glass Without a doubt he won't be scene Past the text, laying between What is real and just a dream Private text upon a screen Shielding what is ours ----------------- I'm hoping this trip will allow for me to have some healthy downtime, to have time for thought and reflection on where I want to take my life. I feel like my future paths have already presented themselves. There will not be anymore choices that I can make. I've already gone over the list but I feel like I want to go over it again. 1. Stay (and suffer) at ISU 2. Drop out and work 3. Join the Navy 4. Marry Matt Byron (cause I think he might ask??) 5. Stop making these damn lists. I'm probably going to stick with number one because it's the safest and the easiest. However, it is the one that makes me the most unhappy. ...

In class, bored to tears. Big shocker. I always get tired during Hypertext. He just rambles on and on about crap I already know. Thank God he pushed back our website due date until Wednesday, although I won't have time to finish it anyways. I mean, I need a University computer, so as if that's gonna happen anytime soon. I'm so fucking tired. Well, I did stay up until 5 am today, just procrastinating homework and such. It would be so fucking awesome if I did not work today. I could go back to the apartment, nap, and do midterms all night. Then I could pack. I really need to pack. I'm going to be alone in the cafe for three hours tonight. Um, how am I supposed to pull food, do dishes, sanitize, and wait on customer all at the same time? I hate dumb scheduling. Um, not much else going on. School sucks, money sucks, and men are strange. Eric asked me out again, well, more like he asked if he could see us dating again which is a round-about way of doing it. So,...

My back hurts, my back hurts, my back hurts, my back hurts.... Life is shitty. I will no longer see Andrew. That is all.... oh, and fuck you life

I want to run...I want to live out near the open again. I want to feel free to step outside, to sit on a roof, to stare at the stars. I want to not have a care in the world. I want...I want...I want...

Directions My Life Could Take (in no special order): * Drop out of college, continue working at Border's forever. * Drop out of college, move to Hawaii and let Matt be suga daddy * Join the Navy to get rid of debt and lose weight. * Stay at ISU, all the while being miserable, debt accumulating, etc. * Transfer to a different college and be miserable there. So far...everything sucks except for the Navy. It is the only promising aspect here, but it is the least one I really want to do. I dislike military. I dislike my life going where I did not want it to. But honestly, I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of ISU. I hate living off campus and having to walk or call a cab everywhere. I hate living with Krupa who is messier than fuck and doesn't clean up anything. I hate living with Christopher and him looking at me with those sad eyes. I hate my fucking bed that hurts my back and messes it up all to hell. I hate that Andrew is leaving. I hate everything. My li...