Slide Off The Moon

I have come to the end of my usefulness on this plane of existence.  In fact, I don’t think I have ever been needed. Or wanted. Or useful at all. Like those plastic landfill trinkets that dentist office’s or schools give out for holidays: the spider rings for Halloween, the spinning tops that wobble a couple times before falling back down. Miniature slinky’s that don’t work. Sure, they seem fun. But they are looked at for a few minutes before they are recognized for the junk they are and discarded.  Me. That’s me.  My kids like his new girlfriend and her apparent son she has. She is probably level-headed with a good job. He will probably have her move in or they all get their own house and suddenly, my children have a real home. She probably cooks and cleans. Normal.  What do they have with me? A mother who can’t get out of bed most days, who gets stoned every night to sleep and is crying when she isn’t. A mother who can’t make ends meet. Dishes pile up. Laundry over...

​ “I learned quickly that my wants and needs were unwelcome, too great for any reasonable person to fulfill, and in time I came to agree with her. I was too much, too loud, too emotional, too clumsy, too self-involved. My existence was a burden to all involved with it, and I resolved to never make any demand if I could help it.” Kat Dunn,  Hungerstone

​I have always been awful. Rot. Broken. A disease.  I am an idiot for ever thinking I walked in the light of anybody. For ever thinking I was functional.  What insanity inhabited my mind to ever think otherwise? You’re not some “deep” person, walking through the gaps of reality into the stardust of beauty, the breathtaking universe. You even think that last sentence was so fucking poetic, right? That somebody is gonna read it and be like wow, how beautiful is her soul? Fools. Anybody who has ever loved me is a damn fool. You sure had the wool over your eyes, sir or madam.  Nothing to see here but a cancerous plague, ripping out heart after heart, leaving in her wake disappointment and wasted time that people can’t get back, time stolen by a thieving bitch.  So pathetic is she that attempt after attempt to leave behind this world is not successful. But then again, when has she ever done anything right? Time will march on. Her children will grow into their own, grow to...

​ You could stay alive Just tell me that you notice Even in the dark The way I left you breathing Sometimes when we touch Everything we love resets It's only just enough Even when we run with death We could be relased Flowing over sorrow days We could stay suspended Even when the bough breaks Sometimes when we touch Everything we love resets It's only just enough Even when we run with death Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Everything we touch turns Water into blood you Try to look away from Even when the bough breaks You don't really love, you just hate to be alone (Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me Don't lie to me) Everything we touch turns Water into blood you Try to look away from Even when the bough breaks You don't really love, you ...

​What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Love myself as a piece of this universe, stars in my eyes and etched forever on my body.  And by loving myself, I can receive love from others, feeling them connected in the earth, through frequencies we both breathe into. I would keep you. I would pull you beside me, run our hands through the same blades of grass. I would only think of now and never later.  I’d forgive myself after loving myself. Because if I love myself…forgiveness for impulsive fear-based mistakes and regrets  is easy.  Right? If I wasn’t afraid, I’d say I’m sorry. I’d say what a fool I was. How I should have fought harder against these fears that you would one day loathe me, upset over upset, mistake of misspeaking and misunderstanding until I am missing you.  How I’m a coward that let my self-hate scream louder than my love for you did. After all, if I see what an annoying depressive burden I am…everybody will see it too, surely.  Surely. ...

​God, I am sorry to have abandoned you.  Please just let me die, Father. Please. 

​ I wish healing came with subtitles. I wish it paused the scene and whispered, “This is fear talking.” or “This is wisdom.” Instead, it lets them sound almost identical. I know people think endings happen because love disappears. Sometimes that’s true. Mine didn’t. I still loved while I was afraid. I still loved while I was exhausted. I still loved while wondering whether I was already failing someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have spent so many years watching homes fall apart that somewhere along the way I started believing love always comes with an expiration date. Maybe that belief protected me once. Maybe this time it failed me. I don’t know. I know I feared the fighting. I know I hated feeling like we kept ending up in the same painful conversations. I know I hated feeling misunderstood. But I also know I never stopped wanting us. I love him more than anybody I ever have before. Those things can both be true. I think what scares me the mos...

​I should have ended it when I wanted to.  Why am I still here Suffering. Monotony. No plan for my life.  Same pain, maybe different shape, but still fits into the circle.  I feel like I’m never understood. My words taken and rearranged, listener chooses the meaning and hands me the bill.  So defeated. I don’t want to keep getting back up again.  White flag.  I’ll leave everybody alone. I will be a quiet cog and keep turning.  Do my due diligence to my chosen offspring and then offload myself from this hellscape.  White flag. The quest for meaning and love a fruitless one. I’m too damaged. 

​ I’ve gladly felt this silk before Cocoon of crimson covered canopy I sink, I rise, in atrophy I’m a cooled coffee cup on a Tuesday twilight  You’re a sunny spot windowsill when the timing is right I’ll invite you in in one no-clip And you’ll leave my soul, a sad-tidings slip I’m a breath untaken  I violent mistake and I’m choking you all… I’m choking you

​I fucking hate myself I’m a disease I’m merely a trauma filled sack of fat that is just kicked around Unheard. Not believed. Known only for My worst moments and none of my good Am I even good? Am I truly awful? I must fucking be. I must. I must pool this black ick around me, pulling others in reluctantly to the point they must kick and claw at me, then turn around and push me under until I suffocate.  I deserve it.  I can’t do life anymore. I mean it. I really do. I wanna get through this weekend, take the girls to one more show, have fun with Sarah once more, come home, pass the kids back off to that piece of shit Monday night, and let go.  I can’t fight with one more person. I can’t do it. I can’t stand it anymore. At work, at home, it’s everywhere. I never do anything right or say anything right and I come out feeling misunderstood and demonized until I believe it. I believe it. I do now. I see it. I am. It’s all my fault  it is  I’m bad person and I’m horri...

Useless. Burden. Broken. Unwanted.  Unremarkable. Mediocre. Ugly. Fat. Failure.  Lonely. Forgettable. Lazy. Pathetic.  Stupid. Selfish. Weak. Difficult. Annoying.  I will be an inconvenience for a week or two.  Then life resumes. School still goes on. Jobs get worked.  The soil will swallow me and I won’t matter at all in death either. Not one bit.  Nothingness. Bring me nothing. No time. No thoughts. No pain.  An unlovable lump inside your throat. I’ll be removed. Sorry for the space I occupied. For the time I wasted. For the way I wasn’t easy. For the pain I brought. For everything. So pitiful was I. What silly dreams I had.  Will anybody actually mourn? Care about my things? My thoughts? Breathe my scent on left behind clothing? Say kind things? Or will it be like my father, dumpsters filled, smallest headstone bought and never visited enough? My pain too great to do him any honor.  I’m worthless and a burden. Of course not.  I h...

​ Tell me what you’re chasin’ Because the night’ll never give you what you want And if you can’t escape it I hope you find whatever you’ve been looking for I’m still here Remember me I keep swingin’ my hand through a swarm of bees ’cause I want honey on my table I’m tired of the way that I’m feeling It’s never ending, but I can’t let you go I’d die in my sleep To live in your arms And I’d stay trapped in this dream Don’t ring that alarm Where do I fit? I don’t belong I wanna ruin all my plans I want a fist around my throat I wanna cry so hard I choke I want everything I asked for We make plans for good times All neon, all surface So kiss me before It all gets complicated I’ve got a taste for blood I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just someone to blame And I’m a monster on the hill Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city Pierced through the heart but never killed One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving And life will lose all its meaning Chew me up and spit me out ‘...

​now I’m home Now I’m back into my body And what brought me back Is this tar pit I can’t escape  Happiness made me feel not real And the call of the void brought me back So why would I ever leave again When I know you will? Obliterate me

​I would have died

​…it would have been you.  Life is meaningless. Everything is nothing. Meaningless sacks of consciousness doing meaningless shit and dying meaningless deaths and on and on until death and decay and particles rearranging until again…no meaning.  I don’t matter. Not one bit. I will die and it won’t matter.  Will anybody lovingly tend to my things? My words? My memories and pictures? Or like my dad, will the contents of my life be loaded up into a dumpster? Nothing. Matters.  But you did to me. And I ruined it. I will be maybe another sad/angry memory for you that soon will be paved over by somebody better that you will seek out. Maybe they’ve already been found.  I cannot survive this.  No better time than now.  I love you. 

Am I a terrible mother if I want to end my pitiful existence? I keep thinking of dates to do it.  I think Feb. 1st, but then I realize Rain's birthday is that month and I wouldn't want to ruin her birthday for her for the rest of her life.  So then I push the date back another month...and I think, but wouldn't it be unfair for me to stay for Rain's birthday this year and not Autumn's? And just like that, there is never a good time. Panic sets in.  I'm stuck, aren't I?  Living for others.  Who is living for me? Nobody. I've made sure of that. Those that I want to stay push me away.  And those that I want to stay, I push away.  Either way, they are gone. Please.  Somebody find me and end me.  That way, maybe it is easier for my kids knowing it wasn't by my hand.  I can sink into the black ick forever, let it win. I don't have the desire to fight it much anymore.  I know, I should love myself, live for myself, be my best self for my ki...

​I miss you. Why did I let you go? I’m an idiot. A sad, lonely, stupid idiot.  Can’t resolve conflict well. Can’t seem to stop failing others. Can’t seem to prevent conflict in the first place.  Maybe you’re better off. 

​I wanted to come on here and spin some beautiful words for ugly pain. Stupidly I think that if I make my words flowery and unique, hauntingly poetic and deep, that somehow the Black Ick within me may be properly expressed to the point that the poor human who happens to read this would know and feel how god damn painful my existence is and finally,,, finally…I  will be seen.  I want so desperately to be seen. To be known. Invalidation was my upbringing, abandonment my recurring nightmare.  I think it is safe to say that no matter what I say, that isn’t going to change.  What will it take for a suicide attempt to stick? When will I get it right finally so I can sink into nothingness and finally do something useful for the earth? Live for the girls  my mind chimes in. But am I really right for them? Can’t seem to overcome my self hatred enough to be useful. I feel like I constantly fail them. And I’m so so  tired of trying to heal. I haven’t gotten that right...