Blog from 3/11/07

I want another tattoo. Something my own that represents my pain. Maybe something on my lower back. Maybe like a full moon or something else. Who knows.

I hate this black ick. I cannot even completely enjoy myself. I just keep thinking that Krupa is treating my like crap. I mean, I'll say something and she either snaps at me or ignores me. Maybe I'm imagining things, but normally my instinct is correct.

I wish I came with somebody laid back who just wanted to get up and walk around, or I wish I could just spend a day alone, reflecting. Or, I just want to go home. Normally somebody would be so excited to be here. But I just get unhappy and I want to lock myself away, listen to my sad music and cry. I hate to say it, but I think it is Krupa. She just blows me off, doesn't even drag me in. I just feel like she's annoyed with me for some reason and would prefer it is f I were gone. I have to throw up some walls, harden myself, hide how I feel. I can't let myself become effected by anything. Nobody should know how I feel. It causes too many unnecessary problems that could easily be avoided. I don't need to lose anybody else, although maybe it would be better if I did. Everybody is ignoring me right now. Nobody cares if I am sad. Nobody cares if I'm quiet and withdrawn. I could disappear and not one eye would blink. They don't care what my opinion is about anything. I just feel bad for Katie. I don't want her to think it is her fault or her regret inviting us.

She doesn't even talk directly to me. She answers my questions facing Katie. I don't want to be around anybody. I want to be alone. I want to hide. I want to hurt myself. I'm so tired of all this bullshit.

Comments

Phoex said…
Sounds like Krupa's being kind of jerky lately :/ It sounds like you guys need a little time apart or something. I know you hate living with her, and then you're forced into contact with her even more on a trip. There's a reason they say friends shouldn't become roommates :/

But on the other hand, I don't know. I hope I don't sound too preachy, I just want to help.
March 20, 2007 at 4:43 PM
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