Try Harder

I can't even properly cry anymore. I used to just cry until I stopped with exhaustion. Now, a couple tears come out, no more. It's more of a hallow, blank feeling. Just a heavy sadness that doesn't seem to lift.

I guess Clayton and I had our first semi-misunderstanding. He laughed at Gunnar (a guy I've been seeing) for him doing Civil War reenacting. It made me mad because Gunnar is a nice, cool guy who actually likes me and finally makes me feel beautiful and accepted ever since this dumb Clayton thing. Clayton turned me down cause I'm not up to par with his standards. And then he has the nerve to make fun of a guy I've moved on to? No way does he have that right. I'm trying to get over him, so don't even do that. So I was a bit of a jerk to him after that because I was angry and hurt. I'm trying real hard to get over him. I don't even properly know what it is I want from him. I guess just more affection. More emotion, care, etc. Sometimes I get so bitter about everything that I feel so ugly around him because of what Charlie told me he said--(Charlie told me Clayton didn't want to date me because I'm not beautiful, not ugly, just "plain")--that I want to cry, hide, defend myself with snide comments. I still feel like he is hiding something from me. I want to hear the truth from him. I don't even know why it matters anymore. If he doesn't like me, then he doesn't. End of story. Curiosity reasons I suppose then. All I'll hear will just hurt me, though. Aw, fuck it. I still want to hear it from him because I'm nosey and I hate beating around the bush.

I should have never stupidly fooled myself for a second that he was interested in me at all.

Oh, and Andrew is in B/N this weekend. Guess who he didn't care to call? Me. Who am I kidding? He just used me too. At least he had the balls to say so to my face.

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