Slide Off The Moon

Dan and I had sex. The shocking thing is? He had only three drinks that night. At first we didn't talk about it, but finally we did tonight. During that night it seemed he was ashamed or such. When I asked him about that, he said he was unsure of doing anything because I had previously been complaining that stuff only happens when there had been drinking and he didn't want me to be upset about that. I asked him why, if he wasn't drunk, that he allowed that to happen and he said nothing, dodging the question. He asked me right back why I did it, which I also avoided. So overall: I still know nothing. Men, if you have any insight, please provide because I am confused. Here is what I think though. Dan is my roommate. There I am, slightly tipsy, kissing him. Is he really going to say no? No. Why? Easy loving, I suppose. Another roommate using me for proximity convenience.

I feel like repeating myself! Warning, this may contain text that has been previously repeated: I hate people. I hate being used. I don't even think I can explain. Just...fuck Gunnar, fuck men, fuck being lonely and only being a piece of ass to people when nobody can even look at me and think of me as relationship material. I'm sick of not being enough. I hate stupid friends too who don't even care about me anymore and ditch me and talk shit about me. I just want for once for somebody to actually like me and be there for me, not ditch me, not treat me like shit or ignore me. I never get anybody I can trust or any friends that last more than a couple years or a relationship that works out. I hate always wanting to kill myself because I seriously think there is nothing at all in my future. I'm probably just going to cry myself to sleep because if I stay up I'll just be miserable and hurt myself. I really, really hope I get good at this closing people off thin...

I know what I want. I want him to care a lot about me. I want him to call me a lot, to go out of his way for me, to invite me along wherever he goes, plan things alone with me, confide in me, lean on me, to be his everything. I want him to want me to be his closest best friend. I am greedy. I want his attention on me. He shouldn't be interested in other girls or talk to me about how attractive they are. But we wouldn't be dating. We wouldn't be exclusive. Yet, there would be nobody else out there for us. Does this make sense? I guess it would be like we are dating but we wouldn't be. We wouldn't need to have sex. We would just hug, cuddle, hold hands, kiss. But that is all. That is what I want. I don't understand myself.

Sigh. So I had the best dream ever about Clayton last night. No sex, just genuine affection and care. It would be so hard to sit down and write everything that happened, mainly because when you do that with dreams it makes no sense to anybody but you. But there was something having to do with J.K. Rowling...another book had used Ron Weasley's name and something else, so we were giving her tips on how to change it so she didn't get sued. Then there was this remake of Hogwarts across the road. Something happened and I got hurt so I couldn't cross the road. I had passed out but then woke up and was crying out in pain. I had some broken bones or such and had to be taken to the hospital. There was something else like in town...we kept coming together and kissing....oh, there was some wrestling storyline going on but Clayton was the wrestler and I was the other person in the story...Laura was there but I was protecting him from her. I don't know. See? It doesn...