Slide Off The Moon

Today I'm going to the Student Health Services so I can find out why I keep getting nauseated. I wouldn't really go, although I should, but work needs a note. You know, I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only person at work who gets hell for leaving/calling in. It's bullshit, that's what it is. I don't even really enjoy working there anymore. I should just quit before they get the chance to fire me over something real stupid. I can almost guarantee it will be something dumb. I got written up for drinking soda water before paying for it. I put it right in the open too so they knew it wasn't like I was sneaking it around. I did enjoy my job there, so it isn't like I would jeopardize it over something dumb as soda water. So, two nights ago, Saturday night, Clayton and I went to the Pub II. (not the reason I went home early from work, mind you) Long story short, we both drank a lot, came home, he got naked on our living room floor, I passed out...

OK. I really have to think if life is worth living anymore. I really have to think about this. To live or die? It's just logical now. No more riding on emotions. Facts. You will be broke Ashley. You will fuck up any and all relationships in your life whether it be romantic or friendships. Have you had any friend lasting more than four years? No. Do you really try to keep in contact with your family or express your love? No. I'm thinking a nice long cut along my leg would be nice...the blood....punishment. Stupid girl. You are ugly and fat. He could never love your fat disgusting ass. You fucking fool. You would break his heart and you know it. You'd fuck the first guy that came along and offered it to you. Yes you would. Then you'd have to leave him. His friends would mock him...fat girlfriend...fat stupid girl with emotional problems. Ha. And your mother?? LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER! That is your future, you know. That is why you should die. Di...

I can't even properly cry anymore. I used to just cry until I stopped with exhaustion. Now, a couple tears come out, no more. It's more of a hallow, blank feeling. Just a heavy sadness that doesn't seem to lift. I guess Clayton and I had our first semi-misunderstanding. He laughed at Gunnar (a guy I've been seeing) for him doing Civil War reenacting. It made me mad because Gunnar is a nice, cool guy who actually likes me and finally makes me feel beautiful and accepted ever since this dumb Clayton thing. Clayton turned me down cause I'm not up to par with his standards. And then he has the nerve to make fun of a guy I've moved on to? No way does he have that right. I'm trying to get over him, so don't even do that. So I was a bit of a jerk to him after that because I was angry and hurt. I'm trying real hard to get over him. I don't even properly know what it is I want from him. I guess just more affection. More emotion, care, etc. ...

I want to hurt myself again. I feel I deserve it for being so damn stupid as to fall for Clayton and then move in with him. And then to run out of anti-depressants and drink, smoke, whatever, thereby just heightening all the shitty feelings I feel. I can't move forward, I can't take things back. I'm just stuck here watching him brush me off, walk past me, forget me. It's just so hard. I keep failing at everything. I can't keep a hold of God. I can't be consistent with medication. I can't get off my lazy ass and make things better. I just keep losing to everything and end up crying in my room, pathetic feeling sorry for myself. I'm such an idiot to think he could ever love me. Why should I let him even try? I'll probably just end up ruining that too. I don't want to try anymore. Trying leads to failing. Why not spare the energy and humiliation by giving up now? I really wish i just had the balls to kill myself now. I'm going ...

Hooray for finally sitting down and blogging! As said before, I was taking antidepressants. I normally blog when I am sad. So, being that I was taking those, I wasn't as sad and didn't really have anything to say. Now that I have run out of antidepressants because I'm lame and didn't make another appointment...well, I guess I've been sort of feeling it return bit by bit. Especially when I drink which I have been doing quite a bit of this summer. At our party June 2nd, I really got down. I drank a lot. Mainly because of the "crush that never ends." I punched a wall. It hurt a bit. I tried to get a grip and get over it because sitting in my room bawling and bringing other people down wasn't how I wanted shit to go. Bah. I have nothing really to say other than to bitch about the Clayton thing. It's so stupid, really it is. I just like him a lot and I don't know what to do with that anymore. Obviously I haven't really gotten over i...