Don't Let Me Win
I should be studying for my politics test. Instead, I will blog at length.
Maybe.
I'll just go over recent thoughts of mine...concerns...happenings.
I don't believe I wrote in here before...wait I did. Yeah, that I had sex with Dan. Well, a month ago we did and then recently, the early hours of the 30th and the early hours of the 7th we did again. I knew both times would happen. There's a sort of chemistry between us that is quiet but apparent when not intoxicated. When intoxicated, it radiates and teases. We play this childish hide-n-go-seek game where we keep our doors slightly ajar and the lights on...a hint of where we hide, wondering who will find the other first. When one of us is seen, we pretend around and look for an opening. Then it is kissing, passionate, desperate, seeking who-knows-what. I must admit, I love to make him sigh. I love that his mouth never leaves me. I love the fire in his eyes. I also enjoy being on top.
We also have not used protection. We will know if this is a problem in 3 weeks.
Things I do not love, unfortunately, are minimal but probably will grow in time. I do not love how regretful he is after. He asks me to please stop him the next time. He does tell me that he is afraid of hurting me again, afraid that when I'm drunk I will sob about it as I have before. He doesn't want to be one of those guys who only seeks me when drunk...but that is the case. Don't get me wrong. I do not care. I like Dan, obviously he likes me in some sense, and we have sex. I don't expect a relationship. There is nothing we can take from one-another because we are roommates. I think it is just a convenience for both of us. I don't stop him when I could. I don't want to stop him.
We both are lonely I think. We know we cannot give each other a relationship, but we can have sex.
I am pondering way too much on something that is no big deal.
I'm just enjoying our interactions and that is all I'm trying to think about. It doesn't matter about who feels what. I like what we have. It is all I have.
I just hope my depression doesn't boil back. I don't drink very often, or much. I avoid it as much as I can. I even think I will cut back on weed. I just don't like the body buzz...that's all. I just have those moments where I am so tired of life. It's a calm suicidal thought. Blah blah blah, my life is going nowhere, etc. etc. You may refer to all my other sad depressing blogs.
It's not even a terrible depressed thought, however. It's more sad. Just plain sad. My college isn't even paid for right now which means I cannot register for classes. I can't get a loan because apparently somebody else is using my SSN through Sallie Mae under a different name. My fafsa never went through. It's like...I try to get ahead and Life spits in my face. I'm really fucking trying, OK? Cut me a break. I get a new car, and then bam! Car accident.
I don't know anymore. And then stupidly I'm like, oh, no condom! Wouldn't that be hot if I got pregnant and it was Dan's? I don't even think it is possible. I've had a lot of unprotected (yes, stupid, thanks for letting me know) sex and nothing has happened. I'm lucky, sure, but by now a girl's gotta wonder if something is wrong. So, I don't even probably have to worry about that at all.
Sigh. I don't even want to study anymore. I'm tired. I'll just fail my damn classes like I am meant to. I'm an (insert last name here), we don't get ahead in life.
Maybe.
I'll just go over recent thoughts of mine...concerns...happenings.
I don't believe I wrote in here before...wait I did. Yeah, that I had sex with Dan. Well, a month ago we did and then recently, the early hours of the 30th and the early hours of the 7th we did again. I knew both times would happen. There's a sort of chemistry between us that is quiet but apparent when not intoxicated. When intoxicated, it radiates and teases. We play this childish hide-n-go-seek game where we keep our doors slightly ajar and the lights on...a hint of where we hide, wondering who will find the other first. When one of us is seen, we pretend around and look for an opening. Then it is kissing, passionate, desperate, seeking who-knows-what. I must admit, I love to make him sigh. I love that his mouth never leaves me. I love the fire in his eyes. I also enjoy being on top.
We also have not used protection. We will know if this is a problem in 3 weeks.
Things I do not love, unfortunately, are minimal but probably will grow in time. I do not love how regretful he is after. He asks me to please stop him the next time. He does tell me that he is afraid of hurting me again, afraid that when I'm drunk I will sob about it as I have before. He doesn't want to be one of those guys who only seeks me when drunk...but that is the case. Don't get me wrong. I do not care. I like Dan, obviously he likes me in some sense, and we have sex. I don't expect a relationship. There is nothing we can take from one-another because we are roommates. I think it is just a convenience for both of us. I don't stop him when I could. I don't want to stop him.
We both are lonely I think. We know we cannot give each other a relationship, but we can have sex.
I am pondering way too much on something that is no big deal.
I'm just enjoying our interactions and that is all I'm trying to think about. It doesn't matter about who feels what. I like what we have. It is all I have.
I just hope my depression doesn't boil back. I don't drink very often, or much. I avoid it as much as I can. I even think I will cut back on weed. I just don't like the body buzz...that's all. I just have those moments where I am so tired of life. It's a calm suicidal thought. Blah blah blah, my life is going nowhere, etc. etc. You may refer to all my other sad depressing blogs.
It's not even a terrible depressed thought, however. It's more sad. Just plain sad. My college isn't even paid for right now which means I cannot register for classes. I can't get a loan because apparently somebody else is using my SSN through Sallie Mae under a different name. My fafsa never went through. It's like...I try to get ahead and Life spits in my face. I'm really fucking trying, OK? Cut me a break. I get a new car, and then bam! Car accident.
I don't know anymore. And then stupidly I'm like, oh, no condom! Wouldn't that be hot if I got pregnant and it was Dan's? I don't even think it is possible. I've had a lot of unprotected (yes, stupid, thanks for letting me know) sex and nothing has happened. I'm lucky, sure, but by now a girl's gotta wonder if something is wrong. So, I don't even probably have to worry about that at all.
Sigh. I don't even want to study anymore. I'm tired. I'll just fail my damn classes like I am meant to. I'm an (insert last name here), we don't get ahead in life.
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