Slide Off The Moon

See? And now I hate myself for posting that cause I sound dumb. I don't ever know what is right. Should I broadcast that I'm upset? Nobody will react. But I want to reach out so somebody can make me feel better. But nobody will. So do I pretend I'm happy? But I'm not happy. Will I feel happier after a nap? But I just sleep all the time anyways. But I want things to work out with Matt so do I stay here? I can't let him waste his money bringing me here but keeping me here means more money. Should I go home? But at home I just partied...I don't go to ISU anymore...do my old friends really want me around again? What the hell would I do with myself at home? Get a mediocre job? But I can't get a real job cause I didn't finish college. But I can't finish college because I failed at it. I can't afford it either. But I can't get loans because Sallie Mae is fucking up my credit cause they think I haven't been in college. God...w...

I don't even know what the hell to write anymore. I just chatted with Ryan and he got pissed off because supposedly I just love being depressed so much that I choose it and I don't ever wanna change. People without depression don't get it. It's a fucking mental disease. Don't you think if the cure for depression was to "just get over it," "try," "just be happy," that they would prescribe that? "Take one dose of self-esteem daily!" Lots more people would not have it if it were so simple. It's a lot harder. It's like any other disease. It takes time, medications sometimes, therapy, etc. I would love not to fucking have it. I'd love more than anything to take some damn anti-depressants and get some therapy so I could be normal and stop thinking so damn negative. I'd love to not feel insane, closed in, nobody to talk to. Look what happens when I do talk to people! They get pissed off or annoyed becaus...