Slide Off The Moon

(02:54:14) Stephen: quittin' Borders, are we? (02:54:53) Ashley: Sigh. I'd talk to you about it, but frankly, I don't trust any damn worker there anymore with anything. (02:55:09) Stephen: that hurts, Ashiz. (02:55:13) Stephen: deep, seering hurt. (02:55:38) Ashley: I know it does hurt. I went through that today. With good reason. (02:55:58) Ashley: So I'm sorry, but my faith in people is no more. (02:56:27) Stephen: must have been a bad day (02:57:02) Ashley: Oh I'm sure with the anti-Ashley gossip grapevine you'll hear all about it. (02:57:40) Stephen: i think you should tell me what happened so i won't have to rely on a grapevine. (02:57:57) Ashley: sigh (02:58:37) Ashley: Well apparently Neeva and Laura dislike me and decided to raise hell about it to the point that Tami received over four e-mails...all dealing with me. (02:58:52) Ashley: So frankly they have issues with me that I was previously unaware of. (03:00:08) Ashley: You know, I'm fucking...

So I'm really excited to fly out to Arizona to see my Grandma. I love flying and traveling. I wish I could do it more often but you know, money. I'm really nervous though because I only have two anti-depressant pills left. I probably will be short tempered and sad. I think I am meeting up with Andrew at the airport also. I kind of doubt it. I have no idea what we will do either. Hmm. I've been seeing Gunnar again. I'm actually kind of happy about it. I'm not pleased with what happened before but I'm moving past it. I like that I can be honest with him. I told him how I lose interest with guys after a while and how I cheat on them. Neither of us are looking for anything with commitment because he is leaving and because I don't want to commit. I'm just really lonely though. I need physical affection. I want love. I've been too miserable lately also. I've blown off a lot of people in preference for moping in my room. I am just too d...

My extremely annoying ex-boyfriend is visiting today. I am not happy about this. When will they leave me alone?

I walked far with a blank swagger, staring ahead at nothing. Cars with bright headlights went by and the urge to jump in front of one bit at me every time. We all are going to die sometime. Why not go out dramatically instead of pathetically? I thought about how I would jump out at the last minute, turn to face the car, and charge at it as if bumping playfully at a friend. I would get thrown, fall into a position of impossibly twisted limbs, blood trickling from out the corner of my mouth. If possible, I'd get out my phone and get a hold of Clayton to let him know I was dying. Then I'd scoff at myself after imagining this death. As if they would care about you, huh? Fucking idiot. Of course not. He was too busy acquiring hickies and fucking the whores that stopped in for the evening. Loudly, on the other side of my bedroom wall. So against his wishes, at the end of my catatonic walk, I bought my cigarettes and walked back to the apartment. Sometimes pure anger and ...

Never never never never never... ...never gonna get over it, am I? I don't believe so. There will always be alcohol. There will always be pain. Something for me to brood over. Isn't it? And it is always him. When I sit down to blog, it is him I first think of. So stupid. Get over it. You are not it, ok? I really cannot drink anymore. I feel pain, punishment, sadness, self-destruction. But I cannot really go through life and not expect to be sad, right? Greedily, I want somebody to feel sorry for me. I want somebody to fucking hug me. I want somebody to go out of their way and do something wonderful. I always do that for others. Sure it isn't something extravagant, but I do what I can within my means. I never see others do that for me. Again I feel that bottomless pit that I am falling in, nobody to catch me, to be the bottom, or to be there when I SMACK into the cold unforgiving ground. I want LOVE. Somebody to find me, to think I'm wonderful, to loo...

My previous post, as if it wasn't noticeable, was the night of Zack's 21st birthday. I don't feel like going into details, so here's an overview; I got really drunk, locked myself in my room, cut myself pretty badly, Clayton broke down my door and talked to me while I cried and cried. It was a bad night. Now Clayton has his ex-girlfriend Kaitlyn staying the weekend. Last night he went drinking with her and came home late. They stayed in the same bed, made-out. I've gotten to the point where I believe I am over him, and realistically, I am. I don't have any desire to date him. Yet, I still get angry for him having his ex here. I don't know. I guess it's just dumb. Who cares. Zack broke up with Annie. So now we are all single. This is so sad. I feel like I can't be here anymore. I just can't. I can't have drunken freak-outs. I'm just so miserable still. I've been taking my antidepressants. Well, I kind of skip them som...

Nobodyb fuck8ing cares about you until you are bleeding and fuickin about rto die; Novody notices yupou or pay s a cop?mpliment untli you are abou tto bleed everybwhere fo rthem until you are their.s. This is bullshit cause I know I am fat and that they :Nwilo onley care when I'm nleeding for then. Fuck life., I hop e I do die. My thingsJ? Thy can go to owhoever the fuck think sthey care whether or nont I die. Who is that? Nobody/ I stole the spotlight from Zack. He was thorowin g up and then I wanted to ie os they tried to fuck me.. Sleep.