Song In Head

Man, I'm kind of lazy to go into Friday night...or should I say very early on Saturday? Well, anyways, shortly after my last blog, Clayton had said he was at a party at Nathan's and that I could go over. So, getting excited, I got ready when all of a sudden he said that I better not cause he'd be leaving by the time I got there. Discouraged, I plummeted quickly into the nothingness and pain. I was upset to have been led on if only for a brief moment. I cried, stared into nothingness until he texted me again at 2:35 am "Sorry. You're not coming. Sorry, I'm really drunk now so I'm assuming I'll go home at any minute. I just don't wanna tell you to walk over here and then I won't be." I lied and said it was fine and that I was going on a walk anyways and then joked that I'd walk him home so he didn't get raped. He said, "OK, I'll call you." So, I sprinted out the door to make it all the way near Pub II to meet him. I did. I walked with him back to his apartment to look after him. He cut his pinkie on a knife, which was pretty deep and kinda icky.

Blah blah blah, ended up sleeping next to him in his bed because he didn't want me to stay in his roommates' rooms, or on the couch, or on the floor. At this point, after cutting his finger, he sobered up decently. So he was at least a lot less drunk than his 21st.

He said he was going to cuddle me, so he did. I felt him later pressing into my back, he muttered something, so I turned to look at him. We kissed which led to making out. I couldn't do anything cause of, you know...that time of the month for us females.

But, there were just wonderful moments where he smiled at me, held my face in his hands, stroked my back, etc. I asked him if he would be doing this if he were completely sober and he said, "Considering I'm not even that drunk right now, yes." I also asked if it was going to make moving in together awkward, he said, "I don't really get awkward."

Sigh. Even after all that, I'm still not really sure where we are going with this. The next morning, or rather, 9 am, I walked back to my apartment and went into work. He came into work at 3 pm, I got off work at 4, and it was busy so really I just had time to wave as I passed him. I haven't had a chance to speak with him since except for texting later that night just asking how his finger was doing.

I just want to know if he is looking to keep it where it is...which is friends with the random making out whenever he has had anything to drink (thereby getting courage to even hit on me). Or, if he is wanting to date but not wanting to ask me out because of a random comment I made about hating the whole asking out thing.

Damn it. I hate confusing situations. But after all said and done, I'll gladly accept any sort of intimacy with Clayton.


Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin

Hold it together, birds of a feather,
Nothing but lies and crooked wings.
I have the answer, spreading the cancer,
You are the faith inside me.

No, don't
Leave me to die here,
Help me survive here.
Alone, don't remember, remember.

[Chorus:]
Put me to sleep evil angel.
Open your wings evil angel.

A-ah.

I'm a believer,
Nothing could be worse,
All these imaginary friends.
Hiding betrayal,
Driving the nail,
Hoping to find a savior.

No, don't
Leave me to die here,
Help me survive here.
Alone, don't
Surrender, surrender.

[Chorus]

Oh.
Fly over me evil angel.
Why can't I breathe evil angel?

[Chorus]

Oh.
Fly over me evil angel.
Why can't I breathe evil angel?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pashchatāpa

Image
You were the pulse in a room gone quiet, the breath behind glass I never could break. And I, with hands too full of my own ruin, let you slip still aching for the weight of you. I never meant to drag you through my flood. Hurt swells like a tide in me, and I forget how not to drown the ones who try to reach in. Forgive me. For how I made silence a weapon, for every sharp word disguised as defense, for the way I bled abandonment onto you and called it love. You didn’t deserve the shadows I threw. Now you haunt my unmade bed, the bridge of every song I can’t skip. I want to live in the flicker between waking and dream where you always stay. I still feel you. Still wonder if you feel me too in the space between the chorus and the collapse. I was never trying to leave. I just didn’t know how to stay without setting fire to everything.
Read more

Will you halt this eclipse in me?

Image
I touch what I love and it splits at the seams. Like silk held in stormlight— too fragile for my heat. I never meant to bleed on everything, but my hands have mouths and they’re always starving. I don’t know how to be touched without shattering. I don’t know how to be seen without disappearing. So write it down the damage report, chalk outlines of everything I swore I’d never break. Am I the flood or the vessel? Am I the ghost or the ache? I watch them blink in slow retreat— those who once reached for me. Like I loved too loud. Like I needed too long. But I only ever wanted someone to stay and not vanish when the dark came, not protest when the lighting flashed. They call it ruin, missing pieces of Self every time I chose love with trepidation. Of every time I stayed when the silence was deafening. Am I still breathing in the aftermath? Still praying my daughter never learns to measure her worth like I do I am the storm. When will the rain fall softly? Let me fall into hands that don’...
Read more

I Give Up

Image
I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...
Read more