Blooming Like Winter


I hate not writing in here for a long time because of the "catching up" part. I shall summarize then.

1. Met a guy through okcupid.com (yeah, I'm sad and pathetic. Whatever.) He goes to U of I, 22 years old, single child, majoring in Graphic Design, has a band called Climate where he is the lead guitar / vocals.

2. I got kicked out of ISU because of my shitty grades / gpa.

3. Still no car, still working at Border's, still in debt.

Damn it, I hate only writing in here when I'm in a shitty mood. Why not happy, huh? I have no idea, but I'm just so tired of it. I'm so tired with everything. I don't understand life anymore and why I have to fail at it. Yeah, I finally have a boyfriend and I should be happy about it, and I was, but I am so scared and paranoid of it's failure that I think I will ruin it because of it. He talks to this girl he met online, Marley, who lives in Australia because of the similar interest in Silverchair. They've talked for a long time and you know, I think he likes her a lot. He just seems to not be eager to give details or talk about her much. When he does, I feel like he evades the conversation or plays it down to not be much. I am over Clayton in the romantic sense, so I feel perfectly safe in confessing my past with him and how much I enjoy his friendship. When Travis talks of Marley, it's like, "yeah, she's a good friend...oh, she sent me something...." you know? Too cold, almost, when I know they are closer and he enjoys her more then that. We haven't even been dating that long to where I should give a shit so much. I'm just so scared. I've had shitty relationships for a year, you know? Men who just wanted to fuck me and nothing more, men who cheated, who treated me like dirt, who weren't really that attracted to me. Travis is too good to be true that I'm just waiting for the big surprise, the shitty let-down. I haven't even mentioned my depression, or whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I don't want to scare him off. I'm just afraid it will burst over and bring it crashing down. I don't want to cheat, I don't want to make him my emotional crutch or anything. I have to be careful. I have to vent elsewhere, get whatever negative I feel out in another way so I don't bring it into the relationship and poison it.


Yes. I need to make some motivational positive list that I can look at everyday. Something to control myself, make myself work out, take vitamins, turn my negatives into positives. Damn it Ashley, you will not fuck up this guy. Not this time.

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