The Darkest Star in the Constellation
So...
Everything fell apart again. I was given a second chance in my classes and I blew it. I didn't take, because I forgot, two art exams. I didn't turn in my literature paper last Tuesday. I still haven't done any publication assignments.
I still haven't turned in my FASFA.
Still haven't fixed the bounced check.
Bills bills bills.
I don't know why I keep making these "I'm a Loser Because..." lists. It's like I need to remind myself why I'm a failure. Not that I forget, but it's like an anti-To-Do list. A To-Late list.
So, being that I have 100 points absent in my art class, I pretty much don't need to go to that class anymore. That was the one class I thought I'd at least do decent in.
In Clayton news: Ugh, je ne sais pas. I was over at his place after a frat party, "passed out" on his bed and I overheard him and his roomies having a manly chat. Now, given I couldn't hear everything and I was a bit tipsy, I may have forgotten or scrambled some things, so I can't give word-for-word. But I pretty much got the gist that he is not interested in me. They were trying to get him to go into his room with me and he wouldn't. But it wasn't even that, it was them discussing all my friends and me and hotness, etc. I remember something about me being fat...I could be wrong. Whatever, either way I was hurt, upset, and I wanted to run out of there asap because I felt really stupid, ugly, fat, etc. I probably heard wrong, but I mean, I'm just done. I'm done thinking about him. I'm done trying to go after him. Fuck it. Fuck everybody. Fuck everything. Fuck school, love, money, whatever. Fuck friends too. They'll probably just all fucking end up like Krupa anyways. How can I trust anybody? How do I know they don't have fucking discussions on why I'm a terrible human-being?
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of complaining, of life, of trying to keep going. I'm just exhausted. I want to lay upon my bed and never get up. I don't even want to cry cause it takes too much energy. Life is just too hard to live. I do think about dying. I have scenarios I play in my head of how to do it...who will find me, how they will react, who will care, who will feel badly, etc. I don't know, to me this isn't suicidal-ish, but more indulging? Self-centered?
I want to drop out but you know what then? Then starts the loan repayments...which is a shit-load of money every month at least over $100 a month. How in the fuck am I going to live? Rent, groceries, cell phone, medical, etc.?
Oh God. Oh Lord. I'm not going to make it in this world. I'm really really fucking not. How in the hell am I supposed to enjoy life? All it is is money, bills, whatever. I'm not even going to get a good enough career to get enough money to pay all this shit. It's fucking insane. I might as well get drunk, smoke, etc...why the fuck not? So I can pretend I'm making ends meet? So I can pretend I'm happy? So I can get into a relationship and cheat on them too? For what, huh? Who cares? We are all going to die sooner or later, might as well live it the way we wanna. I can be stoned every day for the rest of my miserable life. I'm just so tired...I can't do all of this. Fuck it all.
Oh, in happy news? I got a five cent raise. Wow.
Everything fell apart again. I was given a second chance in my classes and I blew it. I didn't take, because I forgot, two art exams. I didn't turn in my literature paper last Tuesday. I still haven't done any publication assignments.
I still haven't turned in my FASFA.
Still haven't fixed the bounced check.
Bills bills bills.
I don't know why I keep making these "I'm a Loser Because..." lists. It's like I need to remind myself why I'm a failure. Not that I forget, but it's like an anti-To-Do list. A To-Late list.
So, being that I have 100 points absent in my art class, I pretty much don't need to go to that class anymore. That was the one class I thought I'd at least do decent in.
In Clayton news: Ugh, je ne sais pas. I was over at his place after a frat party, "passed out" on his bed and I overheard him and his roomies having a manly chat. Now, given I couldn't hear everything and I was a bit tipsy, I may have forgotten or scrambled some things, so I can't give word-for-word. But I pretty much got the gist that he is not interested in me. They were trying to get him to go into his room with me and he wouldn't. But it wasn't even that, it was them discussing all my friends and me and hotness, etc. I remember something about me being fat...I could be wrong. Whatever, either way I was hurt, upset, and I wanted to run out of there asap because I felt really stupid, ugly, fat, etc. I probably heard wrong, but I mean, I'm just done. I'm done thinking about him. I'm done trying to go after him. Fuck it. Fuck everybody. Fuck everything. Fuck school, love, money, whatever. Fuck friends too. They'll probably just all fucking end up like Krupa anyways. How can I trust anybody? How do I know they don't have fucking discussions on why I'm a terrible human-being?
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of complaining, of life, of trying to keep going. I'm just exhausted. I want to lay upon my bed and never get up. I don't even want to cry cause it takes too much energy. Life is just too hard to live. I do think about dying. I have scenarios I play in my head of how to do it...who will find me, how they will react, who will care, who will feel badly, etc. I don't know, to me this isn't suicidal-ish, but more indulging? Self-centered?
I want to drop out but you know what then? Then starts the loan repayments...which is a shit-load of money every month at least over $100 a month. How in the fuck am I going to live? Rent, groceries, cell phone, medical, etc.?
Oh God. Oh Lord. I'm not going to make it in this world. I'm really really fucking not. How in the hell am I supposed to enjoy life? All it is is money, bills, whatever. I'm not even going to get a good enough career to get enough money to pay all this shit. It's fucking insane. I might as well get drunk, smoke, etc...why the fuck not? So I can pretend I'm making ends meet? So I can pretend I'm happy? So I can get into a relationship and cheat on them too? For what, huh? Who cares? We are all going to die sooner or later, might as well live it the way we wanna. I can be stoned every day for the rest of my miserable life. I'm just so tired...I can't do all of this. Fuck it all.
Oh, in happy news? I got a five cent raise. Wow.
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