All I Have To Do Is Dream

Sigh. So I had the best dream ever about Clayton last night. No sex, just genuine affection and care. It would be so hard to sit down and write everything that happened, mainly because when you do that with dreams it makes no sense to anybody but you. But there was something having to do with J.K. Rowling...another book had used Ron Weasley's name and something else, so we were giving her tips on how to change it so she didn't get sued. Then there was this remake of Hogwarts across the road. Something happened and I got hurt so I couldn't cross the road. I had passed out but then woke up and was crying out in pain. I had some broken bones or such and had to be taken to the hospital. There was something else like in town...we kept coming together and kissing....oh, there was some wrestling storyline going on but Clayton was the wrestler and I was the other person in the story...Laura was there but I was protecting him from her.

I don't know. See? It doesn't make sense but I see it all in my head and I remembered how good it felt those moments, how much he cared about me. I guess I just miss that...having somebody care so much for you. I went over to Gunnar's last night mainly because he was wanting to fuck. That is all we are, fuck buddies. He was so less affectionate now than he was before we had that fight. Realizing that, it made me cry and I got depressed. You know? Domino affect. That sucked, so everything sucked and I realized how lonely I was, I thought about the Neeva/Laura thing again (friends betraying, etc.) and then my money situation, college situation, etc. How much a failure I am was very very real. I should get back on the antidepressants but I don't know. I'm so lazy. I haven't tried to keep in contact with any friends, do anything I need to do...no cleaning or laundry or working-out. I suck at life.

God, I miss the guys. I know they don't miss me though. How could they? I really need to move past Clayton. I don't even know where to place my feelings anymore. Do I love him? Do I want him? Do I just care A LOT about him? I'm well aware I cannot try to "win" him over. I know we wouldn't work out dating...the idea of being intimate and serious with him is just odd. But I think about him a lot. I get excited when I hear from him.

Mmm...suicide.

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