Slide Off The Moon

I want to run...I want to live out near the open again. I want to feel free to step outside, to sit on a roof, to stare at the stars. I want to not have a care in the world. I want...I want...I want...

Directions My Life Could Take (in no special order): * Drop out of college, continue working at Border's forever. * Drop out of college, move to Hawaii and let Matt be suga daddy * Join the Navy to get rid of debt and lose weight. * Stay at ISU, all the while being miserable, debt accumulating, etc. * Transfer to a different college and be miserable there. So far...everything sucks except for the Navy. It is the only promising aspect here, but it is the least one I really want to do. I dislike military. I dislike my life going where I did not want it to. But honestly, I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of ISU. I hate living off campus and having to walk or call a cab everywhere. I hate living with Krupa who is messier than fuck and doesn't clean up anything. I hate living with Christopher and him looking at me with those sad eyes. I hate my fucking bed that hurts my back and messes it up all to hell. I hate that Andrew is leaving. I hate everything. My li...

Ashley: My bed...it is so...dirty. Ashley: Well not dirty, more like "dishelved" Matt: hahaha Matt: always a fun state for a bed to be in Matt: did you get a box spring for it yet? Ashley: Naw, I do not have the money or means to transport it Matt: Matt: the more you talk about the state your life is in Matt: the more i want to whisk you away from it Ashley: Aww. Matt: Ashley: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a downer or complain too much. Matt: it sounds bad sometimes Matt: it's ok Matt: once yer done with college Matt: maybe i iwll whisk you away Ashley: Eh, I am sort of thinking it is best for me not to be in college right now. Ashley: Maybe come back to it later. Matt: well Matt: hmmmm Matt: a plan we must make Matt: hmm Ashley: I go to England and marry old rich man and take his money Anna Nicole style? Matt: i take my re-enlistment exam this march Matt: if i get it Matt: i can move into town Matt: sooooo Matt: maybe after deploymeny Matt: you come live in ...

I'm very annoyed. Krupa had Meredith and Arie over all weekend, didn't even bother to ask if it was ok. We told her as long as she cleans up it will be fine. And now? The apartment looks like a fucking mess. Problem is, if we bring it up to her, she gets angry. So, I guess I just have to let it sit until she realizes how gross it is in here. On top of that, I keep getting huge medical bills from my hospital trip. They said ISU insurance would cover it. So...why aren't they? All together, it is over a thousand dollars. How in the hell am I going to afford that? I still have rent to pay, Italy trip money to use, more bills... I fucking hate my life. I'm so tired of this money shit. I should just join the Navy.

Ashley: I would have more money if Krupa would pay me back for buying her ticket. Clayton: im saving a grand for my trip over the summer and thats just vegas Clayton: im not even going to a different country Ashley: Dang. Clayton: well make her pay you back then Ashley: I'm trying. Ashley: She keeps buying other shit rather than paying me back. Clayton: thats not cool Clayton: come down on the shit Ashley: I will. Clayton: break some knee caps Ashley: I'll bomb her country. Clayton: lol Clayton: whoa now Ashley: Yeah, that is a little over the top. Clayton: lol Ashley: I'll settle with a punch in the baby-maker. Clayton: just take her out the desert, dig a hole and make her think that hole is for her Clayton: she'll give up the money after somethin like that Ashley: haha, you can stand there with your new gun and look threatening Clayton: sweet Clayton: ill wear a black suit with dark sunglasses Ashley: Maybe even shoot one off... Ashley: haha sexual innuendo Clayton: l...

TEN random things about me: 10. I met Anthony Stewart Head ("Giles" from Buffy) 9. My car literally exploded in April 2005. 8. When I was younger, I thought "forehead" was "forth-head". 7. I play the flute. 6. I can belch lounder than any man. 5. My mom was adopted. 4. I've never had stitches. 3. ...and never any broken bones. 2. My first boyfriend was bi-sexual. 1. I've been in two major car accidents. NINE ways to win my heart: 9. Brush your teeth, or just keep clean overall. 8. Get to know my friends. You don't have to like them, just try. 7. Creative. 6. Don't get attatched too fast. 5. Support me (not financially--emotionally). 4. Respectful. 3. Try to get to know my family, don't avoid them. 2. Immature with some things, not lots of things. 1. Goal-oriented...or at least some direction in life. EIGHT things I want do before I die: 8. Go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. 7. Be in one major movie...even if just a lame extra. 6. Lea...

Sad again. Big shock. It went from being bored, to being lonely, to thinking about sad future, etc. You know, and I'm tired of bitching too. I'm so drained on these issues. It's always the same thing. All I feel right now...all I want to do is just lay upon my bed while I softly cry and just stay there for a long time. Ha, you know the first thing I thought of? That would hurt my back, laying there.

by Lifehouse. Very beautiful song that brings me a lot of sadness everytime I listen to it. How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? I remember listening to it in Arizona. I was sitting in the backyard of my grandparents house late at night, staring at all the thousands of stars, smelling the orange blossoms and just crying. It was very beautiful. I prefer to see my deep sadness as beautiful, like this song. It is sad, sure, but it also when I feel the most. It's like when I'm happy, I don't pay attention to anything around me. Life just flies by. But when I'm sad, I feel everything. I look around, I listen. I get the most creative. It's hard to explain, I suppose. If I go a long time without being sad/depressed, I get weird. When it does finally come, it's almost like ...

Yeah. It sucked. Christopher was a jerk all day. I went to counseling, class, and work. At least I got a hug and kiss from Andrew. That is all.

Today was pretty awesome. OK, stepping out from the front door into snow that comes up to my knee was not so awesome, nor knowing I have to walk in that crap to class and work, but today was nice. Classes were cancelled, I failed my online art exam, and I got some quality laziness done. Plus, Border's closed at like 4-5, so no work for me! Christopher and I ventured to Wal-Mart in this weather. We actually lived...obviously. I bought two really cute tops to wear to Italy. I also bought other junk. ...come to think of it, today wasn't really that awesome. I think the only awesome part was no classes. I actually do enjoy work, I lost a lot of hours not going, and I didn't get to see work homies. Hmm. Oh well. Christopher and I are still snuggly and kissing, but he still points out how we are not dating. I think we agree that we are using each other and will be better off when not living together. In other news, mom is retarded. She keeps leaving me messages everywh...

I'm finding that I am indeed liking Clayton. But will I go after him? Haha, no. I still don't believe that he likes me in that way. And it would be awkward. Simply because I don't think we have that sort of chemistry. Not to be superficial either, but I do think I am too chunky for him. I could see him with a skinny girl. I feel too fat for him, honestly. I have to get over this thing of mine. I can't go for guys who are skinny. OK, Andrew excluded. His tallness makes up for it, and, well, obviously he is at least sexually interested in tappin' that...although I don't think so anymore. I think it is over mostly. It's not even fun anymore. But OK, shutting up about him. Back to Clayton. I don't know why I enjoy my interactions with him so much. I just do. It makes me happy. It is enjoyable. Here's what I picture in my head: going over to his apartment whenever I feel like it, playing video games, laying in his bed with him and just talk...

More awesome conversation! Just cause! Clayton: i made a pizza and i just douced it in hot sauce Clayton: this mother fucker is covered Ashley: I heart you. Clayton: i knos Clayton: know* Ashley: You don't heart me back? Ashley: I'm so sad! Clayton: its cuz im awesome Clayton: i Ashley: aww. Ashley: I'm so warm and fuzzy now. Ashley: You could make a solo career. Clayton: lol Clayton: i dont know about that Clayton: im not great at writing songs Ashley: Rap songs are not that hard. Just rap about your thug life and the hoes you be bangin' Ashley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA Clayton: lol Clayton: thats funny as hell Clayton: and its not often something fun comes from SNL anymore Ashley: I wish I could get the song on my iPod. Clayton: you could probably get it Ashley: I want a dick in a box. Clayton: thats a special thing to give someone Clayton: i mean seriously Clayton: that gift says something special Ashley: I could put my boobs in a box. Clayton: ...

I love Clayton to pieces. He's so awesome. I would almost want to date him, but I think it would be awkward. I'm not sure. I just love him lots. I hope I stay friends with him. Here are some reasons why this boy is wonderful: Ashley: I will just smack your ass next time...give you a nice clear message. Ashley: Haha. Clayton: lol Clayton: you can if you want Ashley: I have permission to tap that? Clayton: ill just give you an awkward look Ashley: Awkward? Ashley: :( Clayton: an awkward look Clayton: a look one would give someone when they slap your ass Ashley: Why awkward? Clayton: at least i would Ashley: Haha, when people slap my ass...well, the reaction varies. Ashley: I lick my lips, I return-slap, I pounce them... Clayton: lol Clayton: sounds like a good time Ashley: Hellz ya. Clayton: i should remember to do this at the most unappropriate time possible We've been talking about battling each other in Mario Kart for a long time now. He thinks he could kick my ass,...

Skipped class again today. I lazed about until recently when I did an assignment. An actual assignment...that was due weeks ago. Oh, and I found out I missed a quiz in Art January 30th. Wonderful. I haven't done SHIT. Like, the first week back I did assignments. Now? Nothing. I hate myself. I really do. Talking to Eric is nice. I think he still likes me. I still like him, but I wouldn't date him again. I really fucking hate being so consumed with relationships and love. Can't it all go away? Can't I just have a cold heart? I mean, I still act like I am dating Christopher. We hug, we caress. Nothing has changed except for the title we give our bond now, which is "friends". We will never be friends. We will always care for each other too much for that. Gah!! So tired of talking about this stuff! I wish I could just go to some remote house or hotel room on the coast of some beach....just keep my window open and let the comfortable warm breeze b...

I hate colds. I think in my weakened state of drunkenness, I caught a cold. This really sucks. I missed my first class today as well. I really just want to skip the rest of them and sleep but I should probably stop doing that. I don't even remember how many classes I've skipped now. I think a lot. I cannot help it. I don't think I'm cut out for college anymore. So yesterday I ended up talking to the ISU counselor. It went all right. I made it very clear that I really did not want to kill myself, that I didn't mean to end up that drunk, and that I understand where I have been and why I am the way I am now. She even pointed that out. But she still thinks I could benefit from it. As if I couldn't guess she would have said that. So I'm going to go ahead and try it. If it cuts into my schedule too much, then screw it. I can barely bring myself to go to classes, let alone appointments. At least I make it to work. Man, I think I am going to be a wee...

Yeah. I still feel like shit. Last night I lost my voice but I got it back today. My head still hurts a shitload and my stomach is still a bit upset. Slowly, I am recovering. My friends were real nice to me. They brought over flowers and a couple cute gifts. I sort of felt like I didn't deserve it, that real sick people do. I guess it depends on your view. I really really do not want to talk to that ISU counselor tomorrow. Damn it. So I have been hanging out with my friends Sarah, Krupa, and Kathy. We went to the ISU vs Bradley game last night. It was way too loud for my head so I sort of didn't enjoy myself. After that is when I lost my voice and felt like shit for the rest of the night. Today we bummed around and watched the Super Bowl. Bears lost. I'm indifferent about it. Christopher and I did have our talk. He thinks we should remain friends, especially after my huge breakdown. It really sucks to see him this hurt. I mean, it is almost like he has nobo...

I cannot even believe myself. I'm such an idiot. So, I had a drunk post on here which I deleted because I don't really want to remember it. But, Thursday night (or Friday early morning) I had a conversation online with Kyle. Long story short, I got really upset to the point of everything sucking in my life (the Domino Effect, if you will) so I decided to drink by myself. I normally don't drink a lot, seriously. I get mildly buzzed and leave it at that. But, this time, I drank a pint of Bacardi 03, then proceeded to take swigs of Jagermeister...all in the span of an hour. I guess I was finally loud enough (I had music blaring) that Christopher came up the stairs. He said I was hysterical, throwing stuff around my room...and things got fuzzy after that. Krupa finally came home and they called the ambulance. I remember some of that. I was in my bathroom crying out to Christopher and Krupa. Again, I don't remember anything after that...I don't remember the a...

I can do without crying all the damn time. I don't know how he can do this to me so easily, but he can. He just knows the right way to blow me off, to be vague, to hurt me. I loved him for so long... I can't afford to talk to him anymore, I really can't. I hate it when little shit like this happens because it all just dominos into one big depression. I mean, first this Christopher shit. Then Andrew only texts back one word responses...then Kyle fucking twists the blade deeper and deeper. I feel now like I'm being blown off, that really, truly, there is nothing out there for me anymore. Sure some guys have shown interest, but I don't fucking want them! I don't even know what I fucking want! I wanted Kyle, but he will never ever be what I want him to be and that just kills me. I want somebody to really, truly care for me, to fight for me, to talk to me for hours and hours, to sweep me up and away. Do I really want to be single? God, it is nights like th...

I should be doing all of my many assignments, but of course, I am not. It is very hard to start doing it. It's really going to bite me in the ass later. Hooray for falling behind! But seriously, I still feel like I'm not single. I will not take back breaking up with Christopher, however much it hurts. I can't go through that again. I'm going to be single for a while this time! Already, I've had two guys go after me. DJ said he wanted to date me and have me come visit him at EIU, and Matt wants to fly me out to Hawaii. Not even a week I've been single! I'm sort of toying with the idea of Matt. He's in the Navy making lots of awesome money and money is good...he is a great funny guy and cute...but I know he is still in love with Laura. He was head-over-heels for this girl. I'm fine with that because I was that way with Kyle and I sort of still am. But I'm still not sure if I really like him like that. Yes, we've had sex, but I just...