When Things Are Settled

I must give up on Clayton. I think I have...but I have to wait for the feelings to die. Or I just need to find a new person to be infatuated with. He's been talking to his ex-girlfriend lately, asking her to hang out and such. So, I definitely know he is not into me.

So, hopefully moving on! Damn it!

Um, I like Blase, my friend from when I worked at the movie theatre in LaSalle. He's awesome. And very cute. But, again, I don't believe he likes me. Unless he comes to ISU, I'll barely see him.

So again, moving on!

Moving onto what? I have no idea. Why do I feel I need to have somebody! Could it be cause people around me have somebody? Maybe. It's just so strange. I don't really feel like I'm missing something. I just want something, or rather, somebody. Maybe I don't desperately want something because of all the drama and pain that comes from it, and eventually cheating on them, and it ending horribly. I'm sort of comfortable flirting with guys when I want to. I am. Perhaps it is just because I want to suck love and affection from somebody whenever I want/need it. Which is what I do with Christopher. I kiss him still. I hug him. This is probably why I don't REALLY feel single.

He'll be gone Friday though. So that is that.

Man I cannot wait until I move. Good riddance. Good riddance to Krupa who will probably never speak to me again. Oh well. Who needs a backstabbing friend who doesn't even give a shit if she hurt me and cannot even reason with me out of her own pride?

I had to leave behind friends before. I can do it again. It will be hard but I survived before. New beginnings! Fresh starts! Hell yeah! I just hope the new beginnings are better than the ones I have had before.

So I have not had the "black ick" since taking the anti-depressant pill. They said it would take a while to work, but I still haven't had any "black ick." I'm just sad a lot. I don't sink into nothingness, but I'm still just freaking sad. I'm sad at everything. I'm sad about how shitty I've done in classes. I'm sad about fucking up relationships. I'm sad about all the money issues I've had and no boyfriend and feelings not being returned and at the bleak future I still think I will have.

Maybe I always write about sad things because I don't feel guilty after doing so as I do with people. I don't like always being a downer around others. With internet space? I could care less.

I feel like to really connect to somebody, though, you have to talk about pain, hurt, serious things. Surface happy things seem just that...surface.

(Adam, by the way, is my friend Sarah's boyfriend. He's a real nice guy who listens to me bitch. And for that he gets a gold star in my book.)

Adam: why don't you go try to meet a new guy?...
Ashley: Cause I'm a weenie and I don't know how to meet a new guy other than just naturally doing so. I am more of a waiter than a go-getter, which then begs the comment, "well then of course you will be lonely if you don't try!" but honestly speaking, I'm not going to go out and TRY to meet a guy. I simply do not have the courage or self-esteem to do so.
Ashley: So I wait. And I suffer. And I complain. :)
Ashley: At least I got my random flirtations with already-guy-friends.
Ashley: But that is all. And I suppose my random drunk hook-ups that leave me lonely and sort of hurt.

Comments

Phoex said…
1) I would not condemn you for being a waiter. What other way is there, anyway, than getting drunk and going to some party and picking up a dude you don't even know? Either way you still get way more action than I do :P

2) I feel the same way. I think about half our friendship is based on me going, "I hate life," and you being like, "me too!" or vice versa. But in a good way.... not that you drag me down, but you make me feel better that I'm not the only loser. Like I said... that's why I feel bad about being friends with Nathan, I don't feel like I've ever had anything but pleasant small talk with him. But hey, maybe he and I aren't friends. I don't have a penis, so no man-clique for me :P

Anyway glad for the retreat of the ick, sad for the sadness :/
May 8, 2007 at 9:11 PM
Phoex said…
no posts anymore?
May 31, 2007 at 12:18 PM
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