Never never never never never...

...never gonna get over it, am I? I don't believe so. There will always be alcohol. There will always be pain. Something for me to brood over. Isn't it? And it is always him. When I sit down to blog, it is him I first think of. So stupid. Get over it. You are not it, ok? I really cannot drink anymore. I feel pain, punishment, sadness, self-destruction. But I cannot really go through life and not expect to be sad, right?

Greedily, I want somebody to feel sorry for me. I want somebody to fucking hug me. I want somebody to go out of their way and do something wonderful. I always do that for others. Sure it isn't something extravagant, but I do what I can within my means. I never see others do that for me. Again I feel that bottomless pit that I am falling in, nobody to catch me, to be the bottom, or to be there when I SMACK into the cold unforgiving ground.

I want LOVE. Somebody to find me, to think I'm wonderful, to look beyond my misery, to take me into their arms because they WANT to. I don't want to have to convince them of my worth. Maybe I'm not worth it. I cheat on guys, I put them through an emotional roller coaster of my own pain, I abuse them, etc. Nobody deserves me.

Blah blah blah Ashley. Yeah, we've heard it all before. Bitch, moan, complain, wah.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pashchatāpa

Image
You were the pulse in a room gone quiet, the breath behind glass I never could break. And I, with hands too full of my own ruin, let you slip still aching for the weight of you. I never meant to drag you through my flood. Hurt swells like a tide in me, and I forget how not to drown the ones who try to reach in. Forgive me. For how I made silence a weapon, for every sharp word disguised as defense, for the way I bled abandonment onto you and called it love. You didn’t deserve the shadows I threw. Now you haunt my unmade bed, the bridge of every song I can’t skip. I want to live in the flicker between waking and dream where you always stay. I still feel you. Still wonder if you feel me too in the space between the chorus and the collapse. I was never trying to leave. I just didn’t know how to stay without setting fire to everything.
Read more

Will you halt this eclipse in me?

Image
I touch what I love and it splits at the seams. Like silk held in stormlight— too fragile for my heat. I never meant to bleed on everything, but my hands have mouths and they’re always starving. I don’t know how to be touched without shattering. I don’t know how to be seen without disappearing. So write it down the damage report, chalk outlines of everything I swore I’d never break. Am I the flood or the vessel? Am I the ghost or the ache? I watch them blink in slow retreat— those who once reached for me. Like I loved too loud. Like I needed too long. But I only ever wanted someone to stay and not vanish when the dark came, not protest when the lighting flashed. They call it ruin, missing pieces of Self every time I chose love with trepidation. Of every time I stayed when the silence was deafening. Am I still breathing in the aftermath? Still praying my daughter never learns to measure her worth like I do I am the storm. When will the rain fall softly? Let me fall into hands that don’...
Read more

I Give Up

Image
I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...
Read more