What Makes You Better

My previous post, as if it wasn't noticeable, was the night of Zack's 21st birthday. I don't feel like going into details, so here's an overview; I got really drunk, locked myself in my room, cut myself pretty badly, Clayton broke down my door and talked to me while I cried and cried. It was a bad night.

Now Clayton has his ex-girlfriend Kaitlyn staying the weekend. Last night he went drinking with her and came home late. They stayed in the same bed, made-out. I've gotten to the point where I believe I am over him, and realistically, I am. I don't have any desire to date him. Yet, I still get angry for him having his ex here. I don't know. I guess it's just dumb. Who cares.

Zack broke up with Annie. So now we are all single. This is so sad. I feel like I can't be here anymore. I just can't. I can't have drunken freak-outs. I'm just so miserable still. I've been taking my antidepressants. Well, I kind of skip them sometimes because I forget. Once I get to taking them every day again maybe I'll be fine. The feeling that my life is going nowhere creeps up on me when I'm alone. I wrote this Friday night/Saturday early morning when I was high. It is how I feel, sort of. It's a snippet from my book I'm writing, Midnight Vernacular.

Early Evening
~~Elliot


“This is all I know: Sitting still to watch the engines come and go.”
~~Notwist “Off the Rails”

He removed the candle slowly from the hole in the ground in a patient manner. Twirling the pearly smooth wax, briefly warmed, was soothing in his chilled fingers. For a while he did not ponder Juliette’s abrupt absence. He merely tucked the candle away and turned to the closest swaying willow branch, letting it flutter over his fingertips when it blew near, thinking nothing specific. Consciously, he focused his gaze upon the water’s surface and strained a bit harder to clear his head.

When he grew weak with nothing, Elliot closed his eyes, heaved a brief sob, and closed himself off upon the grass. Unwillingly, however, he let everything in, remembering such pain is unnecessary and ill-given. Failed feelings cannot be punished. There will be more beyond now. New resolve. He stood, he directed himself, and walked away.

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