Tell Me Over and Over and Over and Over Again

I want to hurt myself again. I feel I deserve it for being so damn stupid as to fall for Clayton and then move in with him. And then to run out of anti-depressants and drink, smoke, whatever, thereby just heightening all the shitty feelings I feel. I can't move forward, I can't take things back. I'm just stuck here watching him brush me off, walk past me, forget me. It's just so hard. I keep failing at everything. I can't keep a hold of God. I can't be consistent with medication. I can't get off my lazy ass and make things better. I just keep losing to everything and end up crying in my room, pathetic feeling sorry for myself. I'm such an idiot to think he could ever love me. Why should I let him even try? I'll probably just end up ruining that too. I don't want to try anymore. Trying leads to failing. Why not spare the energy and humiliation by giving up now? I really wish i just had the balls to kill myself now. I'm going to waste money being in college failing, no love life--in fact, only men who fucking use me--no nothing. I can't do anything right.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pashchatāpa

Image
You were the pulse in a room gone quiet, the breath behind glass I never could break. And I, with hands too full of my own ruin, let you slip still aching for the weight of you. I never meant to drag you through my flood. Hurt swells like a tide in me, and I forget how not to drown the ones who try to reach in. Forgive me. For how I made silence a weapon, for every sharp word disguised as defense, for the way I bled abandonment onto you and called it love. You didn’t deserve the shadows I threw. Now you haunt my unmade bed, the bridge of every song I can’t skip. I want to live in the flicker between waking and dream where you always stay. I still feel you. Still wonder if you feel me too in the space between the chorus and the collapse. I was never trying to leave. I just didn’t know how to stay without setting fire to everything.
Read more

Will you halt this eclipse in me?

Image
I touch what I love and it splits at the seams. Like silk held in stormlight— too fragile for my heat. I never meant to bleed on everything, but my hands have mouths and they’re always starving. I don’t know how to be touched without shattering. I don’t know how to be seen without disappearing. So write it down the damage report, chalk outlines of everything I swore I’d never break. Am I the flood or the vessel? Am I the ghost or the ache? I watch them blink in slow retreat— those who once reached for me. Like I loved too loud. Like I needed too long. But I only ever wanted someone to stay and not vanish when the dark came, not protest when the lighting flashed. They call it ruin, missing pieces of Self every time I chose love with trepidation. Of every time I stayed when the silence was deafening. Am I still breathing in the aftermath? Still praying my daughter never learns to measure her worth like I do I am the storm. When will the rain fall softly? Let me fall into hands that don’...
Read more

I Give Up

Image
I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...
Read more