Slide Off The Moon

I'm still not over Nick. I went to the circus since I had already bought the tickets and it was very hard watching him. I wanted to be like, "Yeah! That's my boyfriend." He looked very hot. I just...I just want to know why he stopped talking to me. I feel so hurt still and pissed off, and confused. I knew it was too good...that a guy like that would have been sincere with me. I was fucked and dumped. Clayton wants to throw me a going away party, but I can almost guarantee that barely anybody will be there. Everybody will be gone for the summer and none of them will try to even make it. I'd almost rather not have it. I don't want to have that crushing disappointment when I'm proven right and nobody shows up. I've been having doubts about moving. But after how people have been treating me lately, who the fuck cares what I do with my life? I know this is my way of "killing" myself here...see who would miss me. And? Nobody. I had ...

the people who get closest to you but burn you the hardest and the fastest. They are the element we need in our lives but the ones who can ruin your life. I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say. Just that I'm tired of them. I need affection. I feel like I never properly was loved by anybody throughout my entire life. Nobody liked to say "I love you" in my family. My mom never reached out to me, my dad was always in pain, angry, and frustrated, my siblings always fought, my immediate family avoided us all together, and my friends were always fighting and I had none when I left high school. At Lincoln, I thought I finally found what real friends were. Do I talk to any of them now? No. Krupa ended up just being a person who used me and disregarded my feelings. I really felt like I finally found friends via Clayton and people I met through him and Border's. But now that I'm leaving, I feel like none of them give a shit. If they do, they don...

I took from you behind closed eyes What waking emotions you do not have. Though you didn't know it, Your fingers trailed along my arm. Though you don't feel it, I saw it and your smile was mine. Your kiss hungrily combined the chemistry of months of desire. To be continued...

For many reasons, I have decided to move to Hawaii! Some of you may or may not know Matt, but I've known him for roughly four years and never really had the chance to date him. I met him through Tracey, a good friend from when I was at Lincoln College. Matt joined the Navy a couple years ago and is stationed out on the island of O'ahu in Hawaii. We've joked around about having me come out there, but now it is a reality. While I have no major obligations on the mainland, and while I'm young, we decided to go for it! I also haven't really been happy with Illinois State University. I will be transferring to the University of Hawaii - West O'ahu. So, come June, I will be leaving Illinois for a couple of years if things go nicely, and living in Mililani, Mauka on the island of O'ahu with Matt! Right now I'm concentrating on finishing up this semester at Illinois State University and saving up money for the big move. I'm also going to be selling many of my...

I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...

Bad bad bad bad oh this alcohol is bad bad bad bad bad when I slit my wrists they'll all be sad? Bad bad bad bad I'll fucking die who the fuck will cry? Bad bad bad bad I'm feeling bad but I hope their sad.