Slide Off The Moon

Yeah, it is humid. I haven't written in a while, once again, cause I'm lazy. I always say I don't want to describe every detail of my life since the last entry, but I end up doing so. So let's see what happens. I went home for my birthday. Only Sarah, Kathy, Marcus, and Clayton showed up. Marcus showed up after much prodding and annoyance and anger because he didn't want to drive. Clayton showed up, for roughly an hour, after spending time with his girlfriend and left quickly to return to said girlfriend. Then after the bar in Chicago, Kathy decided to have herself a good pity pout. Needless to say, this wasn't one of my top birthday moments. But really, none of them ever seem to be. I'm happy I was at least home and had some good moments, even if all the good moments didn't happen the night of my birthday. September I went to see James in Singapore. It was awesome to travel abroad again and great to see a new place in the world, but it was suc...

I was trying to think of a clever title for this post upon a blog that I rarely touch anymore. Instead of song titles or parts of lyrics, I just thought of a way to describe how I'm feeling. Physically I feel heavy, like a unmovable lump. Back pain. Wet eyes. Heavy chest with crushed breathing. Emotionally I feel failure. Painful--unbelievably hurtful--painful loneliness and abandonment. Hopeless. Discontent. Angry. Overall I feel that my life day-to-day has become pointless, trudging toward nothingness. I work and when I do not, I slump around this apartment in an annoying, pathetic sedentary way. I gain weight, I complain about it, I do nothing to change it. I'm reverting back to high school days of weight gain, friend loss, and much anger and depression. I'm even thinking about taking up scratching/cutting again just for the fuck of it. Except this is much worse of a feeling I had than before. Because now I have the day-to-day horrible people I must deal...

I wish I wasn't so pathetic so I could just delete Twitter and Facebook. Fuck those damn websites. I'm so tired of trying to talk to Clayton and everybody and not getting responses. I don't understand how they talk to each other all the time and can't shoot a "hello" my way or any of that shit. Or that they don't even care to see how I am. I want people to care. I miss them and they don't care about me. I hate this feeling. I hate worrying about it and that I can't move on. Why do so many people have friends that just chat with them everyday and care and I can't seem to find them? I have a couple but I want more, honestly. I want everybody that I love to love me back the same and they DO NOT. I hate life. I do. I hate this pathetic existence, the mundane days, the race we all have for jobs and money just so we can live somewhere rather than LIVING. It doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it does, but it just seems like a waste. ...

It aches deeply that I cannot turn on a heel and run full speed back into the past. It is amazing enough that points of a life and experience can disappear completely. I can never grasp a person or a place and put them all back in order again, the same way and the same emotions near. Why can't it? Wouldn't that be nice. But would they really want to be there too? It does not seem that way. And again I am alone in this.

Oh yes, I'm doing far too much of this. Things I cannot get over, but hopefully will soon. I have dumb insecurities that also bother me, like my weight. And then hating my job again makes me feel like at Border's whenever I'd get bitched at for dumb things and then they wouldn't advance me even though I'm a damn good worker. Is my ego too big in that area? Do I actually suck or come off bad like people think I do? Maybe I should be a lazy jackass like everybody else who magically gets ahead. Then I feel dumb and taken advantage of. Only got $100 for the car. Long story. Too high and lazy to go through. But I should have gotten more for it and I'm pissed that I didn't push for that. I'm a dumbass. So I came home angry and got really high to deal. God I'm so happy I found shit here. I don't know where I'd be without it. I hope things go well with my Payless people I hang with. I don't need to keep flying through friends so mu...

I don't really think I'm happy about anything at the moment. I'm OK, but mainly I still have "blah" hanging all over me. James and I had a fight, and thanks to my buddy alcohol, I probably had a lot more rage bubble up than I normally would have. I wasn't drunk, but I was buzzed at least. I had enough to where the "downer" part of alcohol kicked in. It wasn't over anything serious...well, kind of. James just is not the best communicator in the world. He's too damn worried about upsetting me, since I have depression I suppose, that he just doesn't tell me anything negative. Like, how are we supposed to work on issues, especially ones he has with me, if I don't even know about them? Men are fucking idiots. Another blah thing is that I'm missing out on seeing my friends graduate. If I did show up, I might have felt pathetic. Like, the loser friend who didn't graduate watching all her other successful friends make someth...

Yeah, I need to lose weight. I gained a lot from being depressed and just being a damn bum in general. So, I'm trying to lose at least ten pounds before my trip home. My crash diet includes working out, eating Special K cereal twice a day, fruit, Slim-Fast for dinner or lunch, and drinking fuck loads of water. Hopefully I stick with it. I definitely don't want people to be like, "Holy crap she gained weight!" I'm annoyed and cannot find anything else happy or creative to say, so I'm gonna sign off.

To explain the title: I'm both content and not. It's like when you look at a beautiful peace of wood, all put together, but inside perhaps there are termites slowly nibbling it until it collapses. I guess that is how I am most of the time. Nobody knows how hard it really is for me to keep it all together and be normal. That will soon change. Once we are moved out to Hawaii Kai, I'm going to join 24 HR Fitness, attend work-out classes or hire a personal trainer, then schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I'm going to get better one way or another, damn it. I was uploading videos from my trip to Italy to see Katie and watching other ones and it really made me sad to think fun spontaneous moments like all of them could really be gone. Or rather, are gone. It's not like I'm at ISU anymore or can just hang out with them whenever. I miss having friends so much. It's like that awesome part of my life just left...except I'm the one who did. Why...

Since I haven't really written anything substantial since like July, I figured I should get on it. Let's see...after that July post, I kept being torn about what to do with myself, the James and Matt situation, etc. Right before I flew back in September to visit everybody, Matt and I broke up. I had enough of our fighting and I just wasn't in love with him. But I had fun seeing all my friends again. But I also had a bad time cause Sam told me about Jennifer cheating on him and I got caught in the middle of it that night. I held Sam as he cried on my shoulder about it. The rest of my stay was hard cause of Dad still being upset about my leaving. So I got high the whole time I was home to block it out. I had a breakdown driving back to LaSalle after leaving Jennifer and Sam's place cause Dad was being a jerk again. I had to call Sarah to calm myself down. It was bad. Everything I had been trying to keep down just overflowed. After that I flew back to Hawaii and...

I hate being here. I hate being alone. I hate reaching out constantly with stupid Facebook posts and stupid IMs only to feel like I'm annoying people, that they don't want to hear from me, that they are reading my status and comments and just rolling their eyes and thinking, "Oh come on, Christ." I hate that I invited stupid Ashley out here and she just soaked up her free trip, let James pay for the meals and everything, and just left and doesn't even care. I hate that nobody else even wants to try to come out, or take me up on the free trip. That's the only way I could get their ass to come, is if I pay. I have to pay to have fucking friends. I hate the point I am in my life. I'm out in Hawaii chasing James cause I have nothing else in my life. I can't pay to get back into college. If I went home, I'd have to find a stupid joke of a job, probably still chase after friends and fun, and really have no place in their lives anymore. I hate that I...