Seeing Red Again

I just watched "Punch Drunk Love" with Christopher. If you've ever seen it, you know then how Adam's character breaks shit and freaks out.

I sort of feel that way.

Maybe that's why when I drink, I want to throw shit around and beat up on Christopher. I just want to kick the crap out of somebody, anybody. I'd like to start a fight with some random person just to see if I could do it. I want to take my anger and frustration out on somebody. I'm so angry. I'm not even sure why. Well, I know Christopher made me upset about something stupid again. I was just sharing what I learned from this book "Generation Me" about like how people today are more unhappy than like 50 years ago, how things are more expensive, etc. and he was just shooting it down. Like, disagreed with everything, which is fine, but he made me feel like I was the one wrong and I was stupid for believing the book. Not his exact words, but he just made me feel that way whether it was intentional or not.

Beyond that, I think just things I'm sad about I'm angry about at the moment. Like, Clayton never calls to hang out and sometimes doesn't answer my texts. I feel like I'm fucking stalking him and he's avoiding me, like maybe my admission to my feelings freaked him out. Maybe he's regretting moving in with me. I just want him to make the moves! I hate being the person who is making the moves for everything in my life! The fucking Krupa thing...like I know she won't call me first, I just know it. And that's real shitty, you know? Fuck people. I'm tired of chasing after everybody. Friends that don't live around here, it's like I call them or write them first. I don't have a car to go see them, but if I did, I know I would make that effort. Them? Doubtful. A lot of them already have cars and don't try to see me.

The only guys who get a hold of me or make efforts to see me do it for sex. My friend DJ bugs me to go see him at EIU, but I know it isn't just to "hang out." He's made that very clear in his drunk phone calls.

Flattering? Not so much anymore. I used to be into all this guy attention especially since I never had any guy attention until four years ago. But now I'd rather be loved for something else. Sex is good and fun when I feel hallow and empty...but only for a moment. I don't even know. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. Right now I do because I'm lonely and angry and I just wish I had somebody there for me. I hate not having anybody. I can't keep abusing the same people I talk to over and over.

I haven't even started on my damn paper for Literature and the Related Arts class. It is due Tuesday and I've just been sitting on my ass...roaming the internet blankly.

Blah.

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