Slide Off The Moon

To explain the title: I'm both content and not. It's like when you look at a beautiful peace of wood, all put together, but inside perhaps there are termites slowly nibbling it until it collapses. I guess that is how I am most of the time. Nobody knows how hard it really is for me to keep it all together and be normal. That will soon change. Once we are moved out to Hawaii Kai, I'm going to join 24 HR Fitness, attend work-out classes or hire a personal trainer, then schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I'm going to get better one way or another, damn it. I was uploading videos from my trip to Italy to see Katie and watching other ones and it really made me sad to think fun spontaneous moments like all of them could really be gone. Or rather, are gone. It's not like I'm at ISU anymore or can just hang out with them whenever. I miss having friends so much. It's like that awesome part of my life just left...except I'm the one who did. Why...

Since I haven't really written anything substantial since like July, I figured I should get on it. Let's see...after that July post, I kept being torn about what to do with myself, the James and Matt situation, etc. Right before I flew back in September to visit everybody, Matt and I broke up. I had enough of our fighting and I just wasn't in love with him. But I had fun seeing all my friends again. But I also had a bad time cause Sam told me about Jennifer cheating on him and I got caught in the middle of it that night. I held Sam as he cried on my shoulder about it. The rest of my stay was hard cause of Dad still being upset about my leaving. So I got high the whole time I was home to block it out. I had a breakdown driving back to LaSalle after leaving Jennifer and Sam's place cause Dad was being a jerk again. I had to call Sarah to calm myself down. It was bad. Everything I had been trying to keep down just overflowed. After that I flew back to Hawaii and...

I hate being here. I hate being alone. I hate reaching out constantly with stupid Facebook posts and stupid IMs only to feel like I'm annoying people, that they don't want to hear from me, that they are reading my status and comments and just rolling their eyes and thinking, "Oh come on, Christ." I hate that I invited stupid Ashley out here and she just soaked up her free trip, let James pay for the meals and everything, and just left and doesn't even care. I hate that nobody else even wants to try to come out, or take me up on the free trip. That's the only way I could get their ass to come, is if I pay. I have to pay to have fucking friends. I hate the point I am in my life. I'm out in Hawaii chasing James cause I have nothing else in my life. I can't pay to get back into college. If I went home, I'd have to find a stupid joke of a job, probably still chase after friends and fun, and really have no place in their lives anymore. I hate that I...