Slide Off The Moon

See? And now I hate myself for posting that cause I sound dumb. I don't ever know what is right. Should I broadcast that I'm upset? Nobody will react. But I want to reach out so somebody can make me feel better. But nobody will. So do I pretend I'm happy? But I'm not happy. Will I feel happier after a nap? But I just sleep all the time anyways. But I want things to work out with Matt so do I stay here? I can't let him waste his money bringing me here but keeping me here means more money. Should I go home? But at home I just partied...I don't go to ISU anymore...do my old friends really want me around again? What the hell would I do with myself at home? Get a mediocre job? But I can't get a real job cause I didn't finish college. But I can't finish college because I failed at it. I can't afford it either. But I can't get loans because Sallie Mae is fucking up my credit cause they think I haven't been in college. God...w...

I don't even know what the hell to write anymore. I just chatted with Ryan and he got pissed off because supposedly I just love being depressed so much that I choose it and I don't ever wanna change. People without depression don't get it. It's a fucking mental disease. Don't you think if the cure for depression was to "just get over it," "try," "just be happy," that they would prescribe that? "Take one dose of self-esteem daily!" Lots more people would not have it if it were so simple. It's a lot harder. It's like any other disease. It takes time, medications sometimes, therapy, etc. I would love not to fucking have it. I'd love more than anything to take some damn anti-depressants and get some therapy so I could be normal and stop thinking so damn negative. I'd love to not feel insane, closed in, nobody to talk to. Look what happens when I do talk to people! They get pissed off or annoyed becaus...

Presently in Hawaii...moved in two weeks ago yesterday. So much beauty, new experiences and excitement...but now is the sinking loneliness and depression that I expected would creep up on me. No, not depression. I cannot think of it that way. I must get running. I must throw myself into the exercise and transformation that I wanted to do. This is my Lincoln College Part II. New me, skinnier, happier, religious, re-vamped. However, so far I still have no job and I'm spending more money than I have. Matt wants to take care of me and buy me what I need, but I cannot take advantage of him. What if I cheat or stray...push him away eventually and ruin something good again? Who would I cheat on? I haven't made any new friends. I only know my new roommates and a couple of friends he has in the Navy. I feel like I'm a captive domestic dream of his. I'm here for him for emotional comfort, physical pleasure to pan out his dreams in his head. I know he cares about me an...

Friday, April 04, 2008 Darius4304 (2:00:13 AM): bad bad bad abda bad bda b ad PixieCn (2:00:16 AM): Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise PixieCn (2:06:39 AM): uh oh Darius4304 (2:06:51 AM): hello PixieCn (2:06:57 AM): hi Darius4304 (2:07:19 AM): wow PixieCn (2:07:23 AM): what's up? Darius4304 (2:07:53 AM): ashley just came in my room, looked around and said "bad. you guys...hiding my phone...looking at me text...fuckers!" Darius4304 (2:07:58 AM): and then left and closed the door Darius4304 (2:08:17 AM): i'm not gonna even try to talk to her PixieCn (2:08:17 AM): what? PixieCn (2:08:23 AM): did you take her phone? Darius4304 (2:08:33 AM): i just walked in the door PixieCn (2:09:17 AM): oh boy PixieCn (2:09:26 AM): well, she probably needs time to cool off Darius4304 (2:09:28 AM): i fucking hate this shit PixieCn (2:10:27 AM): i'm sorry. PixieCn (2:12:34 AM): the...

I got kicked out of ISU...again. My pitiful grades did not raise my gpa enough to be over a 2.0. So even if I wasn't moving to Hawaii, I'd be screwed. I would be a college kick-out, just working toward no future. I don't think I'll be attending the University in Hawaii because I can't get anymore grants and I doubt they would accept me after my horrible grades from ISU get sent. So I will be needing to find a good paying job out there to cover rent, phone, gas, food, and my loan bills. I'm so fucking screwed. Unless I get a fucking sweet ass job that pays well out there regardless if I graduated college, I'm just fucked. I should join some military thing...get loans paid off, possibly go to college again later. I just ruined my life with ISU and all the stupid ass decisions I made. I should have just lived in the dorms, worked through Night Ops or something, and concentrated on my school work rather than being stupid and living in stupid apartments a...

I'm still not over Nick. I went to the circus since I had already bought the tickets and it was very hard watching him. I wanted to be like, "Yeah! That's my boyfriend." He looked very hot. I just...I just want to know why he stopped talking to me. I feel so hurt still and pissed off, and confused. I knew it was too good...that a guy like that would have been sincere with me. I was fucked and dumped. Clayton wants to throw me a going away party, but I can almost guarantee that barely anybody will be there. Everybody will be gone for the summer and none of them will try to even make it. I'd almost rather not have it. I don't want to have that crushing disappointment when I'm proven right and nobody shows up. I've been having doubts about moving. But after how people have been treating me lately, who the fuck cares what I do with my life? I know this is my way of "killing" myself here...see who would miss me. And? Nobody. I had ...

the people who get closest to you but burn you the hardest and the fastest. They are the element we need in our lives but the ones who can ruin your life. I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say. Just that I'm tired of them. I need affection. I feel like I never properly was loved by anybody throughout my entire life. Nobody liked to say "I love you" in my family. My mom never reached out to me, my dad was always in pain, angry, and frustrated, my siblings always fought, my immediate family avoided us all together, and my friends were always fighting and I had none when I left high school. At Lincoln, I thought I finally found what real friends were. Do I talk to any of them now? No. Krupa ended up just being a person who used me and disregarded my feelings. I really felt like I finally found friends via Clayton and people I met through him and Border's. But now that I'm leaving, I feel like none of them give a shit. If they do, they don...

I took from you behind closed eyes What waking emotions you do not have. Though you didn't know it, Your fingers trailed along my arm. Though you don't feel it, I saw it and your smile was mine. Your kiss hungrily combined the chemistry of months of desire. To be continued...

For many reasons, I have decided to move to Hawaii! Some of you may or may not know Matt, but I've known him for roughly four years and never really had the chance to date him. I met him through Tracey, a good friend from when I was at Lincoln College. Matt joined the Navy a couple years ago and is stationed out on the island of O'ahu in Hawaii. We've joked around about having me come out there, but now it is a reality. While I have no major obligations on the mainland, and while I'm young, we decided to go for it! I also haven't really been happy with Illinois State University. I will be transferring to the University of Hawaii - West O'ahu. So, come June, I will be leaving Illinois for a couple of years if things go nicely, and living in Mililani, Mauka on the island of O'ahu with Matt! Right now I'm concentrating on finishing up this semester at Illinois State University and saving up money for the big move. I'm also going to be selling many of my...

I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...

Bad bad bad bad oh this alcohol is bad bad bad bad bad when I slit my wrists they'll all be sad? Bad bad bad bad I'll fucking die who the fuck will cry? Bad bad bad bad I'm feeling bad but I hope their sad.

I'm going to start by putting down some lists I made at the beginning of this semester. Goals *Wake up earlier - 8 am. *Keep a consistent work-out and study schedule. (Yoga Tues. and Thurs. mornings) *Spend less money on food/junk. *Start saving some money ($10-20?) *Reward every other paycheck Inspiration *Get life started! *Don't become a failure / mediocre *Remember success with Lincoln! *You owe it to yourself and Dad! I do not believe either lists have been effective. But I did make another list. Avoiding Black Ick *Clean *Forcefully listen to happy music. *Fake happy conversation *Happy movie *Go to sleep *Exercise *Mental pep talk *See bigger picture *Pray *Take relaxing shower *Write down things/problems *Achieve small task I really should listen to myself more often. I'm tired of being sick. *cough cough*

Psychoanalyze Yourself; Don't read ahead, just copy and paste the following into a NEW bulletin BEFORE you read my answers. Then answer the following questions one at a time WITHOUT LOOKING AHEAD with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read what each answer means at the end. 1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who's with you? --Clayton 2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal? --Squirrel 3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal? --Just runs away, up a tree or something. 4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. How big is it? --Medium size...one story. 5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence? --No. 6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table is covered with? --Flower vase. 7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it? Coffee cup 8. What do you do with the cup? Pick it up and look at it...possibly t...

So I look in your direction But you pay me no attention, do you? I know you don't listen to me 'Cos you say you see straight through me, don't you? on and on From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care Oh… Did you want me to change? Well I'd change for good And I want you to know that you'll always get your way I wanted to say… Don't you shiver Shiver Sing it loud and clear I'll always be waiting for you So you know how much I need you But you never even see me, do you? And is this my final chance of getting you And on and on From the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care Oh… Did you want me to change? Well I'd change for good And I want you to know that you'll always get your way I wanted to say… Don't you shiver Don't you s...

So. I'm pretty tired of working two jobs now. I sort of had a chat with Tami about it, but I'm going to sit her down for sure and let her know that I want a fixed schedule and I only want to work two days. I really wish there was a way that I could only work at Border's again but somehow magically make the amount of money I do delivering. I'm just so exhausted. My Spring Break is going to be the worst one I've had. I had another bad night. Friday I went out with all the roomies, Tabitha and two of her coworkers, and later Theresa and Leann showed up. I was all about having a good time, but earlier in the night when I was getting ready I got upset. I couldn't find anything to wear and all the clothes I could have worn I looked fat in. It sounds so girly and dumb, but I did and it really did upset me. I despise being this big. I haven't been this big since high school. However, I can't work out because I have absolutely no time to do so. Ugh. ...

I am indeed a greedy cruel-hearted bitch. Well, not completely. So. Anna turned down Clayton's date. She wanted to make it a group thing but told him that she wasn't interested in dating. Pretty much what I knew was going to happen and what I warned him of happening. I don't know. I was happy at the news because it meant he was still single. On the other hand, I'm also happy because Anna is awesome and all, but I don't trust her. She doesn't seem grounded. She seems to enjoy attention too much and that makes me weary of her faithfulness. I want better for him. I want him to be with me, but since that will not happen, I just want somebody who I can get along with great and who I can entrust his heart to. So, I guess I'm not really that greedy. I still dream and hope for him, but I'm not so blind that I can't see what the truth is and how things are going to be in real life. Things with Nick are looking better. He finally talked to me. He...

This is for you, Ryan, so you stop complaining. Grr. Um, went to see the Foo Fighters yesterday. That was real fun. What wasn't fun was the drive home. I had to go around 40-55 mph so I wouldn't spin out. It only took 3 hours to get back. I have an annoying cough thing plus a raspy voice. This has been going on since Thursday. Oh! I had a date Saturday with a guy I met at Theresa's party named Nick. He is in the Gamma Phi Circus with Kaytie. I don't know. It was nice, he seems like an amazing guy...but I still have feelings for Clayton. I just need to get over Clayton like everybody says I should. So, I go on dates. Nick is pretty quiet as of now, so I'm not really diggin' that. Maybe he'll open up more. I sure hope so. Clayton is currently upset because a girl he is interested in, Anna, is not interested in him. So for the past couple days he has been brooding. In one way I want to kick her fucking ass for not answering his calls, but on t...

Clayton wrote at 4:05pm I hate you, can you move out this weekend? Clayton wrote at 11:43pm I'm just kiddin. I'm really gonna deadbolt your door from the outside so you can never leave. Ashley wrote at 12:28am :) Only if you are in my room with me, cause there is no point in staying here if I cannot see you.

So. Single again as of February 2nd. He finally ignored me enough that I threw up my hands and said, "fuck this." I pretty much did that when I cheated on him with Dan, but I know once that happens that the relationship is not meant to work out anyways. I really feel like a damn fool. I think he was into me, and I really felt like he was a lot, and then it just faded...as if he was like, "thanks for the fling, whore!" I'm going to be so doubtful of everything I encounter from now on. Realistically, I'll probably just get all stupid excited again only to be crushed in disappointment later. I guess in some areas I'm improving. I do my homework more. I attend classes for the most part. I haven't really fallen behind in one of my classes so badly that I cannot get back into it. I just have to remain careful and attentive for the rest of the semester. I desperately need to get my ass out of here. I am accomplishing more everyday things I need...

I'm too afraid of fucking up things with Travis to enjoy this at all. I'm so paranoid of being hurt. I feel like it will not work out. I don't think I'll ever fall in love. I don't think I am lovable. As I told Ryan, I don't think anybody would, or could, look at the real me and love it. I just fucking hate myself. My life is nowhere where I want it to be. It is a fucking shithole. It's falling apart and I don't even know why I bother picking up the pieces. I have some stupid small hope that I'll fall in love, get married, find God again and have a happy-go-lucky financially comfortable life. I thought I could have that with Travis. He is successful, graduating, getting great jobs, but I am just so afraid. I don't even know what to do. He's so quiet nowadays that I feel stupid when I talk to him...like I'm some damn annoying dog who is barking and scratching at the door while the family inside rolls their eyes and yells, ...