Slide Off The Moon

So, I started taking my generic Prozac Tuesday morning. And oddly, it felt like it instantly started working. I was, and have been in a decent mood these two days. I don't know if it is my mind playing tricks or it really working because they said I wouldn't feel it for a while. I'm voting the mind trick thing. But alas, crying now. Mainly because I feel really, really lonely. Not depressed lonely, but romantic lonely. I feel like I will not find anybody. I've given up on Clayton. Oh, I still like him a lot, but I'm not expecting us to get together ever. I'll just settle for mucho liking as friends. Oddly, I feel like I cannot love anybody ever fully. I feel like I will never fall completely in love again. I'm always going to be afraid of cheating, of falling out of love eventually, of hurting them. Of them not being able to let me go. Blah. I'm just so damn lonely. I want love. I want somebody to love me again. I want the honeymoon feeli...

Wrote this sitting there. Invent the delayed dialogue soon to come, someday whenever. If ever there was a way without knowing they'll never be showing unless the damaged liquid brings some harmonious freeing feelings, some animalistic offering. Otherwise unnoted though both bodies are undevoted. How hard has it been... how hard must he be to not feel me? Feel free to take me someday whenever, if ever there was a way to make growing the knowings of devotings.

I wish something ELSE would kill be since I'm too big of a fucking pansy to do it myself. Why? 'Cause I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING! That's fucking why. There goes getting my paper done, or anything done. Now I'm just gonna be in my fuckin' room laying down all day. Damn it, I just want to fuckin' hurt myself, punish myself for pissing everybody off. I just keep hurting, drama, bad friend, etc. I think I'm going to go lay in my room and sink into nothingness so I don't do anything...not that I would cause I'm too fucking afraid to. sigh, tear

Live 1. So others won't be sad if I die, if anybody would even be sad. 2. Debt? Would it disappear or be dumped on somebody else? 3. The slim possibility of all this ending. Die 1. Endless debt stretched before me. 2. Broken friendships/relationships. 3. Failing school. 4. Disappointing people. 5. No love life, or even if I get one, I cheat on them. 6. No passion for anything. Hmm. Seems like death wins for two times the reasons.

I finished my midterm for Literature finally and e-mailed it yesterday. I finished my publishing letter. I did some laundry. I grabbed a fafsa form and filled out what I could. Now, still to do: Paper #1, Paper #2, presentation, online responses - Literature Editing exercise - Publishing 2 Exams - World Art And then the final assignments whenever I get them. Lord, is the semester over yet?

So I told myself today that when I saw Sarah I would not talk about my depression at all or Clayton. And I did anyways. I'm lame. I can't wait until something new comes into my life. It will be nice to talk about something else for a change. I spent the whole day with her and the other ladies. I should have been working on my stupid homework and whatever, stuff I haven't done. Damn it. Now I don't want to go to my classes today since I haven't done any of the work. I'm going to feel real lame. I can't wait for the summer. Bring it on!

So... Everything fell apart again. I was given a second chance in my classes and I blew it. I didn't take, because I forgot, two art exams. I didn't turn in my literature paper last Tuesday. I still haven't done any publication assignments. I still haven't turned in my FASFA. Still haven't fixed the bounced check. Bills bills bills. I don't know why I keep making these "I'm a Loser Because..." lists. It's like I need to remind myself why I'm a failure. Not that I forget, but it's like an anti-To-Do list. A To-Late list. So, being that I have 100 points absent in my art class, I pretty much don't need to go to that class anymore. That was the one class I thought I'd at least do decent in. In Clayton news: Ugh, je ne sais pas. I was over at his place after a frat party, "passed out" on his bed and I overheard him and his roomies having a manly chat. Now, given I couldn't hear everything and I was a bit tip...

Everyday, everyday Living my life like it's over Like it's over and deep underground. Little look, little smile Flick the switch and it's over Like it's lost and can never be found. I really hope I'm being overdramatic and worring all for nothing. Maybe I should just concentrate on my stories.

I know I just got done posting the last blog, but I guess I'm just not done blabbing. I'm really sad. I'm really miserable and I want to talk to somebody. When I got home from work today, I burst into tears because I was miserable (I missed an Exam in World Art worth 50 points, Andi yelled at me at work, bills, etc.) Christopher tried to comfort me but I slipped into the Black Ick, the nothingness. I just wanted to be weightless, limp, and stare into nothing. I just shut off completely. It felt good though because my head hurt a lot and I didn't want to get into the deep sobbing. I'm just so fucking tied up and miserable about this fucking Clayton thing! I just want to fucking know! Just tell me what the hell you want so I can move on or forward, whatever the case may be. Augh! I never even did that paper for Literature that was due Tuesday. God I'm such a fucking loser. I hate my life, I really do. I mean, last week I felt good. I was going to my c...

I have decided. I must get over Clayton. I must harden myself against such feelings. I cannot afford to keep getting let down by guy after guy. Hell, mainly I let them down, but I can't let myself do that either. I think he has made it very clear that he has no interest in me beyond fucking while drunk. No calls, no texts, no stupid myspace or facebook messages. Either he really is shy and doesn't know how to act, or it's just sex. One way or another, I'm done. I feel like I'm bothering him, I can't stop thinking about him, and it's just not good overall. I want to ask him, but I don't want to confuse things or make him regret living with me. So again, I keep inside. I build my walls.

Stephen: Its a dark hole in the semester when even creative writing doesn't spark my interest. Stephen: granted I've been sitting in this chair for at least 4 hours. Ashley: Get up and stretch...massage your booty. Stephen: woo Stephen: that actually feels really nice Stephen: when someone else does it Stephen: i don't care if that was awkward, its fucking true. Ashley: Haha, it was not awkward. I agree. Ashley: I also like the back of my legs getting massaged. That feels good too. Stephen: agreed Stephen: Ohhh, its the lower back thats getting me right now, though. Stephen: blast Ashley: Good to know we both have the love of an ass massage in common. Stephen: wow...Jack Sparrow is indefinitely a cultural icon now haha Ashley: Aren't those videos insane? I'd love to play Elizabeth Swan...if I looked like her....which I don't... Ashley: But it would be fun to play beside him. Stephen: true Stephen: or play beside anyone....I'm in a play mood now....and i j...

Man, I'm kind of lazy to go into Friday night...or should I say very early on Saturday? Well, anyways, shortly after my last blog, Clayton had said he was at a party at Nathan's and that I could go over. So, getting excited, I got ready when all of a sudden he said that I better not cause he'd be leaving by the time I got there. Discouraged, I plummeted quickly into the nothingness and pain. I was upset to have been led on if only for a brief moment. I cried, stared into nothingness until he texted me again at 2:35 am "Sorry. You're not coming. Sorry, I'm really drunk now so I'm assuming I'll go home at any minute. I just don't wanna tell you to walk over here and then I won't be." I lied and said it was fine and that I was going on a walk anyways and then joked that I'd walk him home so he didn't get raped. He said, "OK, I'll call you." So, I sprinted out the door to make it all the way near Pub II to meet ...

I just watched "Punch Drunk Love" with Christopher. If you've ever seen it, you know then how Adam's character breaks shit and freaks out. I sort of feel that way. Maybe that's why when I drink, I want to throw shit around and beat up on Christopher. I just want to kick the crap out of somebody, anybody. I'd like to start a fight with some random person just to see if I could do it. I want to take my anger and frustration out on somebody. I'm so angry. I'm not even sure why. Well, I know Christopher made me upset about something stupid again. I was just sharing what I learned from this book "Generation Me" about like how people today are more unhappy than like 50 years ago, how things are more expensive, etc. and he was just shooting it down. Like, disagreed with everything, which is fine, but he made me feel like I was the one wrong and I was stupid for believing the book. Not his exact words, but he just made me feel that way whet...

That is NOT all for now... Um, actually it might be. Today was ok. Went to therapy, went to classes, signed up for next years classes....and now I will be napping. I sure hope somebody calls to do something tonight. I'll be bored. Sigh.

That is all.

Oh blog. I don't even know. Blah. I was so...blah...at work today. Mainly cause of dumb customers and the stupid sanitizer being broken which makes my job slightly more annoying. After the Krupa thing, I wonder what people really think of me now. Sometimes at work I have a feeling people do not like me, or think I'm annoying... They probably do. Oh well. Sometimes I care, sometimes I say fuck it. Oh, I e-mailed my teachers to see if they would let me make up work, and three out of four said sure. So, I have nothing to do Mondays or Wednesdays now. Hooray? Bed now, I guess.

Kyle: I can't get you off my mind! Me: Let me guess, April Fools? Kyle: dangit Me: Fuck off. Shit like this brings me down. This fucking shit. Does he even realize how he hurts me? Does he? I hate him.

Today was OK. Yesterday was OK. Everything is just sort of...OK. I guess on the plus side, my old charger officially died, but Christopher bought me a new one, so now I can charge that thing without a headache. Hooray! I think my toe is getting better, though it still hurts. Krupa still has yet to pay me back. I may have to move into threats which I would prefer not to do. And...um...not sure what else. My head hurts a lot, so I may actually retire early tonight. I want to talk to Clayton. Damn it. Must stop thinking about him so much. I'm going to anyways though. It gives me something happy to do.