Slide Off The Moon

Yeah. My toe is infected. How lame is that? So, out of an act of stupidity, I went to a frat party last night and ended up drinking more than intended to. I hate getting really drunk. I mean, there is nothing fun in it and you just end up feeling shitty later and not remembering anything. So really I think the effects are not worth enough for the cause. I went with Sarah, Kathy, Amber, and a couple girls from their floor. I didn't think I drank that much, but I sure did get fucked up fast. Oh, before all this, I got a phone call from Krupa saying she moved out of our apartment (again) and wanted me to go over there to drink. Apparently, according to Sarah, she had been planning this behind my back for quite some time and talking shit about me. You know, I went through this kind of crap in high school with my crap friends there. That's why I stopped being friends with them because they weren't really treating me like friends. I'm done with being talked about be...

Ashley: What is wrong for liking somebody based on personality? Clayton: but i have zero personality unless the other person is really outgoing Clayton: nothing Clayton: but it sucks for me! Clayton: actually Clayton: it sucks for me either way Clayton: damn it! im screwed Ashley: Clayton, in case you are blind, I do like you. And for both, looks and personality. So I mean, losen up! Clayton: my ranting doesnt really sound right now that i lok back on it Ashley: What about your rant is not right? Clayton: hehe, so you like the whole balding thing then Ashley: haha, It doesn't bother me, if that is what you are asking. Clayton: but i look like a dying cancer patient!!! Ashley: You really do not. Clayton: lol i know Clayton: ugh Ashley: Man, you sound almost more insecure than I am. Clayton: i hate when i do this, just complain about stupid crap Clayton: im sorry ... And nothing returned. I guess that's my answer.

I can't even post anymore because I know I'm just going to bitch about the same old shit. I'm so tired of it! Skipped classes all week, laid in bed, low energy. Let's be distracted by lovely photo! So yeah, still unsatisfied with the Clayton deal. I am being careful though not to fuck it up with over analysing, too many questions, etc. I just want to know if he really likes me or no. If he is feeling anything or just wants to go back to how things were before. I just want to know where he stands. We talked about IT, but not US. Forget it Ashley...just drunken stupid move. I'm aware of that, seriously, but my girly stupidness still nags at me. Shutting my face and going for a walk...if I have any energy at all.

I think it is.... It's a happy blog! If I would have wrote one Sunday after getting off work, it would have been a very depressed blog. So, to get started, Clayton's birthday party was on Saturday. Or maybe I should start with Friday. Eh, whatever. Friday Sarah and I went to see Stephen's play which was awesome! He was very hilarious in his role. Afterwords, we went over to Clayton's place and hung out, played Wii, etc. Sarah got along great with them which made me happy! Woot. So that being said, she felt better about going to the party on Saturday now that she knew people. So we got glam, rode with Amy, whom I was happy to see!, over to the party. OK, I'm not going to like give a walk through, but it rocked pretty much. I wasn't planning on getting too drunk. But after a while, I was like, fuck it! I danced, mingled, watched him to keg stands, danced more...then Scott and Stephen came over and we did a power hour which is when you do a shot of beer...

I'm thinking of filing for bankruptcy. I have bills nearly $3,000, a good chunk being from my little drunken experience of which the fucking ambulance guys said ISU would pay for! Yeah, right! Like they paid for my physical therapy?! I said I wasn't going to go if I had to pay for it. "Oh no, your insurance will cover it!" Yeah, ok, that's why I have a $115.00 bill! I literally don't have a dollar to my name. I can't concentrate on school. I haven't turned in half of my shit. The smart thing would be to drop out and get a second job. Ha! Already on my way to fulfilling my mediocre destiny just like the rest of my in-debt family! I truly am an Amigoni now! Fuck ya! I fuckin' hate my life! Whoo hoo! This is SO FUN! Hell ya! Where's that alcohol at, huh? Maybe I can take another fuckin' trip to the hospital! Hell, nothin' like a $1,000 bar tab, am I right? They should have just let me choke to death on my damn vomit....

So alone...I don't even know what to think, you know? There is just heaviness...beginning of black ick. Gravity pulling down A calm and yet chaos Rain pounding into A weathered umbrella The holy haven A drifting in the storm Fallen leaf alone Coasting over rock and rot Going, falling, pulled under Euphoric drowning No waiting breath Calmed lungs, limp Blissfully below The blinding glow Of endless epiphanies Sooo lonely. Nothing more to report. Same old crap...bad grades blah blah blah...money troubles etc. etc...

Got angry at Krupa and walked off tonight. It was even over something dumb that I could have blown off and let go. But instead I got mad, shaking mat to the point that it felt like it was going to burst, like I just wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. She wanted to go to a bar, Katie and I did not. I heard music playing, said it was pretty and I wanted to listen and drink wine, and she said she felt bad and didn't want to go to the bar anymore, etc. Anyways, I walked off, stared into space, went on the Internet, and came back. Katie probably hates me and Krupa too. I have too many emotions backed up from being so fucking happy all the time. It sounds like I am only having a bad time in Italy, but I'm really not. Only when it gets dark out, and I'm alone, and I think. what is up with my catatonic moments? Why are they laughing, sounding as if they are having a better time with me severed? I should have just gotten killed on the street. There is nowhere I can b...

I want another tattoo. Something my own that represents my pain. Maybe something on my lower back. Maybe like a full moon or something else. Who knows. I hate this black ick. I cannot even completely enjoy myself. I just keep thinking that Krupa is treating my like crap. I mean, I'll say something and she either snaps at me or ignores me. Maybe I'm imagining things, but normally my instinct is correct. I wish I came with somebody laid back who just wanted to get up and walk around, or I wish I could just spend a day alone, reflecting. Or, I just want to go home. Normally somebody would be so excited to be here. But I just get unhappy and I want to lock myself away, listen to my sad music and cry. I hate to say it, but I think it is Krupa. She just blows me off, doesn't even drag me in. I just feel like she's annoyed with me for some reason and would prefer it is f I were gone. I have to throw up some walls, harden myself, hide how I feel. I can't let...

We went out drinking tonight, somewhere obscure, I'm not sure where. Katie and Krupa got very, or at least somewhat tipsy. I'm a bit tipsy but not really too much. But I am at least to the point that the "black ick" is creeping upon me. I want to cry. I want to run out and place my hands against the cold stone buildings to feel everything here, here in Florence. I found out the problem. The problem is is that I don't really feel like I'm here. I don't feel alive. I feel like I'm not really part of my surroundings. I feel so lonely, unattached. God, if I cannot be happy in Italy, where can I? Where can I be happy? Why does this black ick consume me everywhere? Why am I so blah? I should be excited, happy, and silly with my friends. I should be drinking in every moment, feeling so alive. All I want to do now is find a dark room, crawl into a warm corner (cause I'm cold) and cry. I want to cry my eyes out, cut myself, band my head ag...

Private breath upon the window Clouding the stars Too strong to reach the cool caress Too weak to shake the muddled test Invest to pass the borders with breath Fogging the emptied glass Without a doubt he won't be scene Past the text, laying between What is real and just a dream Private text upon a screen Shielding what is ours ----------------- I'm hoping this trip will allow for me to have some healthy downtime, to have time for thought and reflection on where I want to take my life. I feel like my future paths have already presented themselves. There will not be anymore choices that I can make. I've already gone over the list but I feel like I want to go over it again. 1. Stay (and suffer) at ISU 2. Drop out and work 3. Join the Navy 4. Marry Matt Byron (cause I think he might ask??) 5. Stop making these damn lists. I'm probably going to stick with number one because it's the safest and the easiest. However, it is the one that makes me the most unhappy. ...

In class, bored to tears. Big shocker. I always get tired during Hypertext. He just rambles on and on about crap I already know. Thank God he pushed back our website due date until Wednesday, although I won't have time to finish it anyways. I mean, I need a University computer, so as if that's gonna happen anytime soon. I'm so fucking tired. Well, I did stay up until 5 am today, just procrastinating homework and such. It would be so fucking awesome if I did not work today. I could go back to the apartment, nap, and do midterms all night. Then I could pack. I really need to pack. I'm going to be alone in the cafe for three hours tonight. Um, how am I supposed to pull food, do dishes, sanitize, and wait on customer all at the same time? I hate dumb scheduling. Um, not much else going on. School sucks, money sucks, and men are strange. Eric asked me out again, well, more like he asked if he could see us dating again which is a round-about way of doing it. So,...

My back hurts, my back hurts, my back hurts, my back hurts.... Life is shitty. I will no longer see Andrew. That is all.... oh, and fuck you life