Ha.
So. Single again as of February 2nd. He finally ignored me enough that I threw up my hands and said, "fuck this." I pretty much did that when I cheated on him with Dan, but I know once that happens that the relationship is not meant to work out anyways. I really feel like a damn fool. I think he was into me, and I really felt like he was a lot, and then it just faded...as if he was like, "thanks for the fling, whore!" I'm going to be so doubtful of everything I encounter from now on. Realistically, I'll probably just get all stupid excited again only to be crushed in disappointment later.
I guess in some areas I'm improving. I do my homework more. I attend classes for the most part. I haven't really fallen behind in one of my classes so badly that I cannot get back into it. I just have to remain careful and attentive for the rest of the semester. I desperately need to get my ass out of here. I am accomplishing more everyday things I need to do, such as following up bills, kind of, just taking care of small tasks that normally I put off until too late.
There's just so much badness to write about. I want to be a happy person but so much shit always comes up and makes it so hard for me. I have so many financial issues to take care of that just shouldn't be natural for only a 22 year old. I hate people that have it so easy they don't even know it. Rich parents who just help them out with everything. I'm really grateful that my dad does what he can when he can. Just sometimes it isn't enough and it isn't his fault. It's mine. I just have no idea what to do anymore to make things right.
I'm really honestly considering selling eggs. It's a long process and very serious, I know, but I'll be giving somebody out there a gift and in return I'll be getting money that I desperately need. I'm just looking at it positively. More than likely I won't because I'll either chicken out or they'll tell me I'm not able to, but it is worth a real shot.
Had to see my damn mom for my Aunt Elaine's funeral. My grandma was trying to force me to speak with her, but I couldn't and wouldn't. I'm tired of people trying to force me to. If I did it, it would be for Grandma so she wouldn't be sad anymore about it. But it wouldn't be because I honestly was ready to, and that's wrong. Forgive me if I cannot sacrifice my hurt and pride for the sake of everybody else. Mom hurt me a lot. I don't look up to her. I do not trust her. I have already moved past her and don't really care to try to squeeze her back into my life where she doesn't belong. I don't have any need for her. It isn't like I'm going to go to her for advice or want to hang out with her and have daughter days or whatever. She isn't a mature adult role model that I require. She's gone and I'm fine with that. Everybody says, "what if she died?" Then I'd be glad that I didn't fake a forgiveness with her just because I thought she was going to kick the bucket.
Hmm. I'm going to be homeless in May. I have nowhere to go. Sarah and Katie have some sort of secret vendetta against me and they insult me by not telling me the real reason. They used Krupa as an excuse. Sarah thinks our friendship will die like it did with Krupa. First of all, Krupa stopped being friends with me AFTER we moved out together. Second, they are not friends with Krupa either and they didn't live together. So, what the hell? I'm only ok with it because I probably cannot afford to live in an apartment again unless I SERIOUSLY needed to, which may be the case. I'm just pissed because I know it isn't all to do with Krupa. If you were really my friend, you'd live with me. If you really and truly trusted and loved your friends, you would live with them. Especially if they had nowhere to go. Here I am, stranded, kicked away from the ISU dorms cause I'm a senior, nobody to live with, and they NEED two people, and still they cannot help me out. Sarah also said she is just scared to live with anybody. No, that is not so either. She invited Tabitha and other people, so obviously she isn't that concerned. I'm just so hurt by this. I hate friends flaking out on me. What is it about me that I lose everybody and everybody hates me and has problems with me? Clayton at least has been the only one to stand by me through everything. He WANTS to live with me. He tells me the truth. He listens to me. He cares. He respects me.
Wish I could say the same for everybody.
I feel so alone.
I guess in some areas I'm improving. I do my homework more. I attend classes for the most part. I haven't really fallen behind in one of my classes so badly that I cannot get back into it. I just have to remain careful and attentive for the rest of the semester. I desperately need to get my ass out of here. I am accomplishing more everyday things I need to do, such as following up bills, kind of, just taking care of small tasks that normally I put off until too late.
There's just so much badness to write about. I want to be a happy person but so much shit always comes up and makes it so hard for me. I have so many financial issues to take care of that just shouldn't be natural for only a 22 year old. I hate people that have it so easy they don't even know it. Rich parents who just help them out with everything. I'm really grateful that my dad does what he can when he can. Just sometimes it isn't enough and it isn't his fault. It's mine. I just have no idea what to do anymore to make things right.
I'm really honestly considering selling eggs. It's a long process and very serious, I know, but I'll be giving somebody out there a gift and in return I'll be getting money that I desperately need. I'm just looking at it positively. More than likely I won't because I'll either chicken out or they'll tell me I'm not able to, but it is worth a real shot.
Had to see my damn mom for my Aunt Elaine's funeral. My grandma was trying to force me to speak with her, but I couldn't and wouldn't. I'm tired of people trying to force me to. If I did it, it would be for Grandma so she wouldn't be sad anymore about it. But it wouldn't be because I honestly was ready to, and that's wrong. Forgive me if I cannot sacrifice my hurt and pride for the sake of everybody else. Mom hurt me a lot. I don't look up to her. I do not trust her. I have already moved past her and don't really care to try to squeeze her back into my life where she doesn't belong. I don't have any need for her. It isn't like I'm going to go to her for advice or want to hang out with her and have daughter days or whatever. She isn't a mature adult role model that I require. She's gone and I'm fine with that. Everybody says, "what if she died?" Then I'd be glad that I didn't fake a forgiveness with her just because I thought she was going to kick the bucket.
Hmm. I'm going to be homeless in May. I have nowhere to go. Sarah and Katie have some sort of secret vendetta against me and they insult me by not telling me the real reason. They used Krupa as an excuse. Sarah thinks our friendship will die like it did with Krupa. First of all, Krupa stopped being friends with me AFTER we moved out together. Second, they are not friends with Krupa either and they didn't live together. So, what the hell? I'm only ok with it because I probably cannot afford to live in an apartment again unless I SERIOUSLY needed to, which may be the case. I'm just pissed because I know it isn't all to do with Krupa. If you were really my friend, you'd live with me. If you really and truly trusted and loved your friends, you would live with them. Especially if they had nowhere to go. Here I am, stranded, kicked away from the ISU dorms cause I'm a senior, nobody to live with, and they NEED two people, and still they cannot help me out. Sarah also said she is just scared to live with anybody. No, that is not so either. She invited Tabitha and other people, so obviously she isn't that concerned. I'm just so hurt by this. I hate friends flaking out on me. What is it about me that I lose everybody and everybody hates me and has problems with me? Clayton at least has been the only one to stand by me through everything. He WANTS to live with me. He tells me the truth. He listens to me. He cares. He respects me.
Wish I could say the same for everybody.
I feel so alone.
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