I Give Up


I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out.

Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad news is always the only news I ever have. I got in a car accident yesterday cause some fucking dumbass doesn't know how to pay attention. He rear-ended me when I slowed to turn into my apartment complex. Also, I've been getting a lot of shit from Border's but I'm too pussy enough to just quit. I'm running out of money so I probably won't be able to pay for my rent for my new place. My laptop can't handle running applications anymore so it just shuts off but my credit is too bad for me to get a new one and Dad is too stubborn to help me out.

Also, I got too drunk Thursday night and I got upset about the Nick situation so I cut myself again and tried to drink myself into the hospital. Who was there again to help? Clayton. Christ, no wonder he'd never want me. So unappealing. In fact, no wonder no guy wants me. I do indeed have a poor image of myself. I don't love myself, so nobody else can. I need help. I just wish that I had insurance or some sort of miracle that would enable me to get counseling or antidepressants. That, or I need to find God again. I need something. Someone.

Sigh. Anything.

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