Forgotten

Presently in Hawaii...moved in two weeks ago yesterday. So much beauty, new experiences and excitement...but now is the sinking loneliness and depression that I expected would creep up on me.

No, not depression. I cannot think of it that way.

I must get running. I must throw myself into the exercise and transformation that I wanted to do. This is my Lincoln College Part II. New me, skinnier, happier, religious, re-vamped.

However, so far I still have no job and I'm spending more money than I have. Matt wants to take care of me and buy me what I need, but I cannot take advantage of him. What if I cheat or stray...push him away eventually and ruin something good again?

Who would I cheat on? I haven't made any new friends. I only know my new roommates and a couple of friends he has in the Navy. I feel like I'm a captive domestic dream of his. I'm here for him for emotional comfort, physical pleasure to pan out his dreams in his head. I know he cares about me and he tells me he loves me, but I can tell he doesn't really love me. He loves the idea of falling in love with me and becoming a dad and having a happy postcard future. But not me. Not really me. He barely has a grasp on all that I am.

(I chipped a tooth and drank two Irish Car Bombs...thus the blogging.)

And as I predicted, my friends at home seem to have let me go comfortably. I know it is silly for me to expect them to contact me every day at every available moment. But I had my numbers read by a psychic here and she said I was psychic too. I believed her. She said I have had dreams come true and I have. She also said my instincts are right and they usually are. And my instincts are telling me that my friends at home really did enjoy and care about me. But they are also glad to be rid of me and my persistent negative energy and bitching. Not to mention my drunken crazy outbursts, previously documented here in my online blog. This is why they aren't really putting any effort in constantly chatting with me. They fear I will start to complain and bring down their happy moods. Now they have their perfect friend group, no depressed people allowed.

So. I'm letting them go. No more chasing. No more bitching.

I just broke off the people I really truly trusted and loved. Good things must end. But the psychic was right--

Last year was bad for me. Next year will be bad as well.

Comments

Phoex said…
If you ever need someone to be depressed with, try me, I have plenty to spare.

I sort of had given up on you because I had thought you already gave up on me.
July 2, 2008 at 12:37 AM
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