When Your Mind's Made Up
So. I'm pretty tired of working two jobs now. I sort of had a chat with Tami about it, but I'm going to sit her down for sure and let her know that I want a fixed schedule and I only want to work two days. I really wish there was a way that I could only work at Border's again but somehow magically make the amount of money I do delivering. I'm just so exhausted. My Spring Break is going to be the worst one I've had.
I had another bad night. Friday I went out with all the roomies, Tabitha and two of her coworkers, and later Theresa and Leann showed up. I was all about having a good time, but earlier in the night when I was getting ready I got upset. I couldn't find anything to wear and all the clothes I could have worn I looked fat in. It sounds so girly and dumb, but I did and it really did upset me. I despise being this big. I haven't been this big since high school. However, I can't work out because I have absolutely no time to do so. Ugh. Well, after a couple drinks, I became even more upset. I was thinking about my weight and then I noticed how much Clayton was not paying attention to me and he seemed angry or annoyed with me. I tried so hard to brush it off and to stay, but it got worse when Theresa showed up and he got happy. They went off to a table to talk as well. I knew I just had to leave and put myself to bed. Theresa said she could give them a ride home. Then Clayton wanted to leave with me...and for whatever reason I told him to just stay. So I left, alone. I sped around Bloomington Normal blaring angry and sad music and crying hysterically. Then came the black ick...the numbness. I had many thoughts of just driving my car as fast as I could off the road. Would they have even noticed or cared? Nobody texted me to ask if I was all right. Nobody called to check on me. So who cares. I would have ended my life in an explosion of metal and drama on Veteran's Parkway...and my friends would have been partying at Fat Jacks, oblivious and carefree. I wanted to die so bad. I still do if I look deep enough. I suppose that is why the black ick comes up so quickly when I drink. Every day is spent suppressing it just so I can get by without annoying the hell out of people. There is just so much of it that it bubbles over in conversation when I'm complaining, when I get quiet, my flares of anger that jump up. I can't keep it down. There is just so much shit that happens to me day after day. Why can't things go right for just a fucking week...just one week.
I did a good job last night for the most part. There were moments when I got angry. Clayton spent a while outside with Jake's sister smoking and talking. She, of course, is another skinny pretty girl. I suddenly felt fat and ugly. Instantly I wanted to go home and put myself to bed, but I did not. I stuck it out and things got better. I did try to be near him when we got home, hoping to cuddle or kiss like before. Nope. He just passed out and stayed that way. So I felt stupid and came back to my room. Then I was angry at myself for needing him to be drunk to touch me.
I decided that I shouldn't go out drinking with him anymore just in case I get bad, but I don't want to exclude him from my life in such mundane things, so I'm going to learn to work around it. Which is to go to bed when I feel that way.
Fuck. Another blog about him. This is pathetic.
I had another bad night. Friday I went out with all the roomies, Tabitha and two of her coworkers, and later Theresa and Leann showed up. I was all about having a good time, but earlier in the night when I was getting ready I got upset. I couldn't find anything to wear and all the clothes I could have worn I looked fat in. It sounds so girly and dumb, but I did and it really did upset me. I despise being this big. I haven't been this big since high school. However, I can't work out because I have absolutely no time to do so. Ugh. Well, after a couple drinks, I became even more upset. I was thinking about my weight and then I noticed how much Clayton was not paying attention to me and he seemed angry or annoyed with me. I tried so hard to brush it off and to stay, but it got worse when Theresa showed up and he got happy. They went off to a table to talk as well. I knew I just had to leave and put myself to bed. Theresa said she could give them a ride home. Then Clayton wanted to leave with me...and for whatever reason I told him to just stay. So I left, alone. I sped around Bloomington Normal blaring angry and sad music and crying hysterically. Then came the black ick...the numbness. I had many thoughts of just driving my car as fast as I could off the road. Would they have even noticed or cared? Nobody texted me to ask if I was all right. Nobody called to check on me. So who cares. I would have ended my life in an explosion of metal and drama on Veteran's Parkway...and my friends would have been partying at Fat Jacks, oblivious and carefree. I wanted to die so bad. I still do if I look deep enough. I suppose that is why the black ick comes up so quickly when I drink. Every day is spent suppressing it just so I can get by without annoying the hell out of people. There is just so much of it that it bubbles over in conversation when I'm complaining, when I get quiet, my flares of anger that jump up. I can't keep it down. There is just so much shit that happens to me day after day. Why can't things go right for just a fucking week...just one week.
I did a good job last night for the most part. There were moments when I got angry. Clayton spent a while outside with Jake's sister smoking and talking. She, of course, is another skinny pretty girl. I suddenly felt fat and ugly. Instantly I wanted to go home and put myself to bed, but I did not. I stuck it out and things got better. I did try to be near him when we got home, hoping to cuddle or kiss like before. Nope. He just passed out and stayed that way. So I felt stupid and came back to my room. Then I was angry at myself for needing him to be drunk to touch me.
I decided that I shouldn't go out drinking with him anymore just in case I get bad, but I don't want to exclude him from my life in such mundane things, so I'm going to learn to work around it. Which is to go to bed when I feel that way.
Fuck. Another blog about him. This is pathetic.
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