Boy...Friends

I'm finding that I am indeed liking Clayton.

But will I go after him?

Haha, no.

I still don't believe that he likes me in that way. And it would be awkward. Simply because I don't think we have that sort of chemistry. Not to be superficial either, but I do think I am too chunky for him. I could see him with a skinny girl. I feel too fat for him, honestly. I have to get over this thing of mine. I can't go for guys who are skinny.

OK, Andrew excluded. His tallness makes up for it, and, well, obviously he is at least sexually interested in tappin' that...although I don't think so anymore. I think it is over mostly. It's not even fun anymore.

But OK, shutting up about him.

Back to Clayton.

I don't know why I enjoy my interactions with him so much. I just do. It makes me happy. It is enjoyable. Here's what I picture in my head: going over to his apartment whenever I feel like it, playing video games, laying in his bed with him and just talking for hours about anything and everything, meeting up for lunch, going to games, etc. You know? Just a really nice close guy friend. I miss having real close guy friends. I still have lots of guy friends, but no more close ones.

I enjoy Stephen as well. He's becoming my artsy friend. He invited me to this Writers Conference at IWU. I'm real excited about it! I think it will be fun. It costs like $20 to go, but I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to hang with him. Stephen is the man I always wanted: cute, writes poetry and stories, loves theatre, smart, listens to classical music, loves coffee, pirates...he's just really awesome. But, sadly, younger and taken. I also would never go after him anyways. You know, the whole fatter thing. I know I am not that fat, but it is enough to make me self conscious and I wouldn't enjoy the relationship anyways because I'd be too worried about it. I seriously need to regain self control, stop eating shitty food, and work out. I know I'd be so much happier if I did.

Hell, I could even "bump" into Clayton at the rec if I went. But yeah, not the most attractive thing in the world, me working out. I'd be huffing and puffing so badly. Maybe I'll take baby steps, get decently back into shape first. I could force myself to eat breakfast, do my work out tape, and to not eat shitty food.

Anyways. Head is hurting and I should try to finish my readings for tomorrow, or today I should say.

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