'Snot Fun

I hate colds.

I think in my weakened state of drunkenness, I caught a cold. This really sucks. I missed my first class today as well. I really just want to skip the rest of them and sleep but I should probably stop doing that. I don't even remember how many classes I've skipped now. I think a lot. I cannot help it. I don't think I'm cut out for college anymore.

So yesterday I ended up talking to the ISU counselor. It went all right. I made it very clear that I really did not want to kill myself, that I didn't mean to end up that drunk, and that I understand where I have been and why I am the way I am now. She even pointed that out. But she still thinks I could benefit from it. As if I couldn't guess she would have said that. So I'm going to go ahead and try it. If it cuts into my schedule too much, then screw it. I can barely bring myself to go to classes, let alone appointments. At least I make it to work.

Man, I think I am going to be a weenie and skip classes. At least this time I will e-mail them.

Oh, my ex-boyfriend Eric started talking to me out of the blue yesterday. It has been over two years since I broke up with him, so imagine my shock. It's kind of nice though. I enjoy putting differences aside and catching up. However, one of the first things he said was----Eric: yeah....you could say that...i was going through my room and I found a few things...just reminded me of you...and how i was kind of an ass...i hate to say it Nanea may have been better looking than you but hands down you were so much better to me than she was

I'm like, gee thanks! Good to know I was ugly but had a nice personality. This is a great example of a thought that should stay private. I don't care if he thinks she was prettier, but keep it to yourself. It is a pointless fact that I didn't need to know.

Anyways, I'm going to get ready. Christopher is now giving me a lift to campus. I am going to suck it up and go to class. I'm going to bring my box of Kleenex with though.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pashchatāpa

Image
You were the pulse in a room gone quiet, the breath behind glass I never could break. And I, with hands too full of my own ruin, let you slip still aching for the weight of you. I never meant to drag you through my flood. Hurt swells like a tide in me, and I forget how not to drown the ones who try to reach in. Forgive me. For how I made silence a weapon, for every sharp word disguised as defense, for the way I bled abandonment onto you and called it love. You didn’t deserve the shadows I threw. Now you haunt my unmade bed, the bridge of every song I can’t skip. I want to live in the flicker between waking and dream where you always stay. I still feel you. Still wonder if you feel me too in the space between the chorus and the collapse. I was never trying to leave. I just didn’t know how to stay without setting fire to everything.
Read more

Will you halt this eclipse in me?

Image
I touch what I love and it splits at the seams. Like silk held in stormlight— too fragile for my heat. I never meant to bleed on everything, but my hands have mouths and they’re always starving. I don’t know how to be touched without shattering. I don’t know how to be seen without disappearing. So write it down the damage report, chalk outlines of everything I swore I’d never break. Am I the flood or the vessel? Am I the ghost or the ache? I watch them blink in slow retreat— those who once reached for me. Like I loved too loud. Like I needed too long. But I only ever wanted someone to stay and not vanish when the dark came, not protest when the lighting flashed. They call it ruin, missing pieces of Self every time I chose love with trepidation. Of every time I stayed when the silence was deafening. Am I still breathing in the aftermath? Still praying my daughter never learns to measure her worth like I do I am the storm. When will the rain fall softly? Let me fall into hands that don’...
Read more

I Give Up

Image
I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...
Read more