Dragging Days

Skipped class again today. I lazed about until recently when I did an assignment. An actual assignment...that was due weeks ago.

Oh, and I found out I missed a quiz in Art January 30th.

Wonderful.

I haven't done SHIT. Like, the first week back I did assignments. Now? Nothing. I hate myself. I really do.

Talking to Eric is nice. I think he still likes me. I still like him, but I wouldn't date him again. I really fucking hate being so consumed with relationships and love. Can't it all go away? Can't I just have a cold heart? I mean, I still act like I am dating Christopher. We hug, we caress. Nothing has changed except for the title we give our bond now, which is "friends". We will never be friends. We will always care for each other too much for that.

Gah!! So tired of talking about this stuff! I wish I could just go to some remote house or hotel room on the coast of some beach....just keep my window open and let the comfortable warm breeze blow in, throw the curtains about. I could go down to the beach and stroll lazily along it, swing from a hammock while trailing my fingers in the sand. Possibly just read and write poetry until I'm too tired...order room service...have some wine...

I want to do that for a good month or more. Maybe then I'll be right in the head. Every day feels so hard, is such a struggle of emotion and friendships/relationships. I always feel so shitty inside. I really think if I just excercised that I would feel better. Maybe so. If I had a fucking car, I'd just drive my ass to the rec center whenever I pleased. It's almost not worth having to catch the bus for.

Head hurts. Sort of feel sick. Tomorrow is going to suck. Classes 11-3:15 then work 4-11. Ordering night. Joy. I work with Andrew tomorrow. Sort of wish I didn't. Interacting with him is so...frazzling...I always analyze everything I do, wondering if what I just said sounded stupid, wondering if I look good, wondering what I should say, etc.

Bangs head on desk.

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