Taste the Saline

I can do without crying all the damn time.

I don't know how he can do this to me so easily, but he can. He just knows the right way to blow me off, to be vague, to hurt me. I loved him for so long...

I can't afford to talk to him anymore, I really can't. I hate it when little shit like this happens because it all just dominos into one big depression. I mean, first this Christopher shit. Then Andrew only texts back one word responses...then Kyle fucking twists the blade deeper and deeper. I feel now like I'm being blown off, that really, truly, there is nothing out there for me anymore. Sure some guys have shown interest, but I don't fucking want them! I don't even know what I fucking want! I wanted Kyle, but he will never ever be what I want him to be and that just kills me. I want somebody to really, truly care for me, to fight for me, to talk to me for hours and hours, to sweep me up and away. Do I really want to be single?

God, it is nights like this that make me want to hurt myself. If I wasn't so paranoid about my already ugly body, I'd do it. I'm already not that attractive, I don't need scars on my body to make myself more unappealing to Andrew.

Why do I give a shit about him so much for? It's not like it is anything at all anyways. But you know? It's all I got. That's all I have right now. A fucking fling with a guy from work who is already tied up in other things and it pretty much just using me. If I died, he wouldn't give two shits. If I were sad, I couldn't call him. If I were ANYTHING, I couldn't call him.

And now that I am depressed now, who could I call? Nobody. You know...nobody ever really shows an interest in your pain unless it is "serious." What about mildy sad, huh? What about a little down? No, it has to be full-out bawling and crying and serious for somebody to be like, "Hey, maybe I should call her!" Fuck that! FUCK EVERYTHING! Damn it.

Comments

Phoex said…
I know I'm not a dude or anything, but I do care :/ And I know we don't know each other that well yet, but I like to think we're on the way to becoming real friends. If you're ever in a bad mood and want to vent, just call me, I have no life whatsoever. I suck at making people feel better, but I doubt I could make you feel worse :P
February 2, 2007 at 9:13 PM
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