Living in the Past

Oh yes, I'm doing far too much of this. Things I cannot get over, but hopefully will soon. I have dumb insecurities that also bother me, like my weight. And then hating my job again makes me feel like at Border's whenever I'd get bitched at for dumb things and then they wouldn't advance me even though I'm a damn good worker. Is my ego too big in that area? Do I actually suck or come off bad like people think I do? Maybe I should be a lazy jackass like everybody else who magically gets ahead.

Then I feel dumb and taken advantage of. Only got $100 for the car. Long story. Too high and lazy to go through. But I should have gotten more for it and I'm pissed that I didn't push for that. I'm a dumbass.

So I came home angry and got really high to deal. God I'm so happy I found shit here. I don't know where I'd be without it. I hope things go well with my Payless people I hang with. I don't need to keep flying through friends so much.

And fuck Clayton, damn it. Ignoring me trying to get a hold of him cause of his new girlfriend. Dan didn't like her. Probably with good reason. They won't last. I say that cause I'm a bitch. That's how it goes. I need to be more of one so people can stop taking advantage of my kindness. I'm so sick of that, you know? I spend a lot of damn money on my friends. Some who are worth it, and some who just don't give a shit and don't even see me. I just do too damn much. I guess all I want is a friend who would go above and beyond for me. Go out of THEIR way. Fight like hell for ME. I'm not even angry at the moment and I'm typing all this. Just a high...dazed...blah. I'd rather feel nothing than anything.

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