Winding Down

I was trying to think of a clever title for this post upon a blog that I rarely touch anymore. Instead of song titles or parts of lyrics, I just thought of a way to describe how I'm feeling. Physically I feel heavy, like a unmovable lump. Back pain. Wet eyes. Heavy chest with crushed breathing. Emotionally I feel failure. Painful--unbelievably hurtful--painful loneliness and abandonment. Hopeless. Discontent. Angry. Overall I feel that my life day-to-day has become pointless, trudging toward nothingness. I work and when I do not, I slump around this apartment in an annoying, pathetic sedentary way. I gain weight, I complain about it, I do nothing to change it. I'm reverting back to high school days of weight gain, friend loss, and much anger and depression. I'm even thinking about taking up scratching/cutting again just for the fuck of it. Except this is much worse of a feeling I had than before. Because now I have the day-to-day horrible people I must deal with. It makes me feel there are no friendly faces out there anymore, that life is just going to be a battle against horrible people that want to annoy me, complain about me or to me, and just cut me down for no reason what-so-ever. I never feel like I'm enough. I never feel like I will succeed or win approval overall. I think my life will be with James but I will fight him against anything and everything, that we will not be happy in the long run, that we will have children that I will abuse and be stuck caring for when I'd rather be free. And you know, I read my mom's journal once before and she wrote the very same things, that she couldn't wait until we left home so she could be free of us. I'm much like her more than I want to admit and more than I ever wanted to be. But that's the way it goes I guess.

I always have violent dreams of beating the shit out of people. I have these dreams all the time, sometimes different people. Last night I had a dream that started out with eating too much that food was piling up my throat in a painful protruding way. Then I was in a car that wouldn't move and a cop had to help me out. Then somehow it came around to like a school or something and I was with Dan. But we were breaking up or something because he wanted to be with Leann. We were talking and fighting and I repeatedly kept slapping him back and forth across the face and all he did was stand there and take it. Then he grabbed my arms to stop me and people walked in. I looked at them sadly and said, "Please don't let him hit me anymore," since it looked like he was since he had a tight hold on my arms. He sat down, again, sadly, and told me that he used to love me, but not the way I was anymore. I just stood there in astonishment while he walked away. I couldn't believe he did love me and now I ruined it all by abusing him. Then I woke up and that was the feeling I was left with. Shame, sadness, anger at myself. That has been with me all day and snowballed as I sat my lazy ass on this computer and flipped through facebook again. Looking at Clayton's gf page and pictures, friends posting to each other back and forth, plans and fun...and here I am. Stupid Sad Depressed Ashley. That's all I am.

Theresa was asking me about my birthday thing and said she could not go. You know, I only think two people will be there, honestly. Myself and Sarah. Maybe Kathy, but I'm not betting on it. Nobody has responded to me about the location I picked out, nobody has been like, "Yay, you are coming home soon! Your b-day will be fun! Looking forward to it!" none of that shit!!! Only Sarah has. Nobody fucking cares. Nobody is coming. And I wasted even MORE of James money flying my stupid ass home just so I can have a disappointing birthday. I will have Sarah but nobody else will be there because nobody fucking cares. I so wish I was worse with more anger and sinking lower, winding down, so I can end it all. I believe I will be like this forever because I am too lazy, too much inability, to change it.

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