Another down day

I hate being here.

I hate being alone.

I hate reaching out constantly with stupid Facebook posts and stupid IMs only to feel like I'm annoying people, that they don't want to hear from me, that they are reading my status and comments and just rolling their eyes and thinking, "Oh come on, Christ."

I hate that I invited stupid Ashley out here and she just soaked up her free trip, let James pay for the meals and everything, and just left and doesn't even care.

I hate that nobody else even wants to try to come out, or take me up on the free trip. That's the only way I could get their ass to come, is if I pay. I have to pay to have fucking friends.

I hate the point I am in my life. I'm out in Hawaii chasing James cause I have nothing else in my life. I can't pay to get back into college. If I went home, I'd have to find a stupid joke of a job, probably still chase after friends and fun, and really have no place in their lives anymore.

I hate that I still have ridiculous thoughts that Clayton maybe "deep down" likes me. Whatever. I'm a fucking moron. What is with him anyways? If I could crush this stupid crush in a heartbeat, I would. I'm not skinny. I'm not of a preppy pretty appearance, I'm a fucking mess of emotions that are unmanageable and unappealing.

If I had half of Sam's courage, or his total lack of faith of any hope in life, I'd end it like he did.

I love James a lot. But if a man is all I have good in my life, if I have to lean on him this much, there is no point.

Comments

Phoex said…
I like that you reach out! You never annoy me! I'm sorry I don't do it as much back, I sometimes forget about Facebook.

I'm sorry that you still feel bad... I don't know what else to say about it, because you know what I've said about it before, and I don't want to just repeat myself, but I don't want to ignore your feelings either.

PS I just made a poop.
February 6, 2009 at 7:35 PM
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