Ugh
I don't really think I'm happy about anything at the moment. I'm OK, but mainly I still have "blah" hanging all over me.
James and I had a fight, and thanks to my buddy alcohol, I probably had a lot more rage bubble up than I normally would have. I wasn't drunk, but I was buzzed at least. I had enough to where the "downer" part of alcohol kicked in. It wasn't over anything serious...well, kind of. James just is not the best communicator in the world. He's too damn worried about upsetting me, since I have depression I suppose, that he just doesn't tell me anything negative. Like, how are we supposed to work on issues, especially ones he has with me, if I don't even know about them? Men are fucking idiots.
Another blah thing is that I'm missing out on seeing my friends graduate. If I did show up, I might have felt pathetic. Like, the loser friend who didn't graduate watching all her other successful friends make something of themselves. It still would have been nice to be there, to party with them one last time. I still want to bug the fuck out of them to fly out here, but that's a lost cause. Is it because of my past? Where I got drunk and sunk into my black ick a few times? If it is that reason, that's fucking stupid. I have not had a bad episode like that since I left. I also don't want to bug them anymore because how damn pathetic is it that I have to practically get on my hands and knees and beg them? I'm willing to have their tickets paid for and I still can't even get anybody to come. That's even MORE pathetic. A free ride nobody wants to take. To fucking Hawaii. To fucking see me.
So fuck that too. Damn it, what is wrong with me? I want to be stubborn and immature and just cross my arms and huff and pout...turn away from them all and say I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to put anymore effort into it. How does it feel to have friends want to be your best friend? I'm honestly thinking...and I really don't think any of my friends consider me their closest, best friend. But I can think of who they'd pick for theirs. I know this is even more immature of me, but I'm not going to lie: I want somebody to think of me as their #1, that they'd pick ME for their MOH. That they'd do ANYTHING to see me. Sacrifice whatever, throw caution to the wind, act on a whim...
I know a lot of people like me and care about me, but watching stupid movies with stupid best friends who just have crazy fun, road trips, and would practically die for each other...I want that. I would do the same for anybody...even my friends who don't think of me as that close or #1. I fly home to them even though I haven't paid off any of my college loans...I send them shit...I'd pay for their tickets...I would do anything for them.
Maybe I should just say "fuck it all" and whole myself up in this lonely apartment in the middle of the ocean and just write, work out, and do my own damn thing. Heh, at least my pets love me. Pathetic. I know later on I'm going to regret writing this dumb, whiny, stupid blog, but whatever. It's how I feel at the moment. It's how I feel deep down. It's an insecurity. It's also part of that rage and anger that I keep bottled up until alcohol or something else uncorks it. I have a lot of rage in my dreams, a lot of abuse in my dreams, and it frightens me how angry I feel sometimes. I am not even sure what all of that anger/rage is sometimes. I know some of it has to do with friends, but I don't know the rest.
Sigh. I'm done for now.
James and I had a fight, and thanks to my buddy alcohol, I probably had a lot more rage bubble up than I normally would have. I wasn't drunk, but I was buzzed at least. I had enough to where the "downer" part of alcohol kicked in. It wasn't over anything serious...well, kind of. James just is not the best communicator in the world. He's too damn worried about upsetting me, since I have depression I suppose, that he just doesn't tell me anything negative. Like, how are we supposed to work on issues, especially ones he has with me, if I don't even know about them? Men are fucking idiots.
Another blah thing is that I'm missing out on seeing my friends graduate. If I did show up, I might have felt pathetic. Like, the loser friend who didn't graduate watching all her other successful friends make something of themselves. It still would have been nice to be there, to party with them one last time. I still want to bug the fuck out of them to fly out here, but that's a lost cause. Is it because of my past? Where I got drunk and sunk into my black ick a few times? If it is that reason, that's fucking stupid. I have not had a bad episode like that since I left. I also don't want to bug them anymore because how damn pathetic is it that I have to practically get on my hands and knees and beg them? I'm willing to have their tickets paid for and I still can't even get anybody to come. That's even MORE pathetic. A free ride nobody wants to take. To fucking Hawaii. To fucking see me.
So fuck that too. Damn it, what is wrong with me? I want to be stubborn and immature and just cross my arms and huff and pout...turn away from them all and say I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to put anymore effort into it. How does it feel to have friends want to be your best friend? I'm honestly thinking...and I really don't think any of my friends consider me their closest, best friend. But I can think of who they'd pick for theirs. I know this is even more immature of me, but I'm not going to lie: I want somebody to think of me as their #1, that they'd pick ME for their MOH. That they'd do ANYTHING to see me. Sacrifice whatever, throw caution to the wind, act on a whim...
I know a lot of people like me and care about me, but watching stupid movies with stupid best friends who just have crazy fun, road trips, and would practically die for each other...I want that. I would do the same for anybody...even my friends who don't think of me as that close or #1. I fly home to them even though I haven't paid off any of my college loans...I send them shit...I'd pay for their tickets...I would do anything for them.
Maybe I should just say "fuck it all" and whole myself up in this lonely apartment in the middle of the ocean and just write, work out, and do my own damn thing. Heh, at least my pets love me. Pathetic. I know later on I'm going to regret writing this dumb, whiny, stupid blog, but whatever. It's how I feel at the moment. It's how I feel deep down. It's an insecurity. It's also part of that rage and anger that I keep bottled up until alcohol or something else uncorks it. I have a lot of rage in my dreams, a lot of abuse in my dreams, and it frightens me how angry I feel sometimes. I am not even sure what all of that anger/rage is sometimes. I know some of it has to do with friends, but I don't know the rest.
Sigh. I'm done for now.
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