But you always run away
I wish I wasn't so pathetic so I could just delete Twitter and Facebook. Fuck those damn websites. I'm so tired of trying to talk to Clayton and everybody and not getting responses. I don't understand how they talk to each other all the time and can't shoot a "hello" my way or any of that shit. Or that they don't even care to see how I am. I want people to care. I miss them and they don't care about me. I hate this feeling. I hate worrying about it and that I can't move on. Why do so many people have friends that just chat with them everyday and care and I can't seem to find them? I have a couple but I want more, honestly. I want everybody that I love to love me back the same and they DO NOT.
I hate life. I do. I hate this pathetic existence, the mundane days, the race we all have for jobs and money just so we can live somewhere rather than LIVING. It doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it does, but it just seems like a waste. I don't see the point if I cannot be near my friends and have fun like I used to...or friends I thought I fucking had. They are probably glad to be rid of my worthless whining and pathetic pestering. If I were them and I read this shit I probably would feel the same. I feel like a ticking time bomb that cannot find anybody to cut the right wire so I don't explode...or for that matter, I cannot find anybody who would give a shit to cut the wire so I don't explode. They'd probably think, "Well, I'm out of range so I won't suffer. So explode. Die. I don't care." I don't want to go off, so I really really want to reach out for help but I know nobody wants to give it. It's like...just please, please just talk to me. Just be my friend. That's all I want. It's all I ask. And if you cannot find the time and if you do not want me in your life anymore, just say so. I don't want to suffer anymore and I don't want to chase after memories that have no relevance or substance now.
Does this sort of thing bother anybody else or am I that dependant on relationships to make me happy? To make me worth something? Am I crazy? Is this depression talking or is it just my personality...my damn cursed personality? I feel like I cannot live without these people in my life. They used to keep me happy and afloat above the black ick. Now, I just fell further towards it and I can't grab back on.
Sam, how did you find the courage to end it? And why can't I find it? I could at least join him. I had a dream about him two nights ago and awoke to find I had been crying in my sleep. I first saw him sitting, trying to catch his breath and hold on. He had come back alive somehow. I rushed to his side excited and wanting to hug him and immediately take him to the top of my stairs. I have three pictures of him there. Two are the last of him taken alive and the other is from my high school graduation party where we are hugging and posing. I wanted to show him these and let him know that I had missed him. But I couldn't move him otherwise he might die again. Being brought back made him sensitive, like a heart attack waiting to claim him again. Once he settled I was able to talk to him. I was sobbing all throughout. I told him about Betty estranging herself from us because of her anger and I asked if she'd be all right. He said God wanted her with him, but was waiting for her to find peace. Then I was going to ask about when I'd die but I chose not to. He had to go so I was hugging him and sobbing crazily. This is when I woke up. In the dream I knew I'd come to and feel it was really him coming to talk and assure me he was fine. I'm sure this is what everybody thinks after they lose somebody close and dream of them.
Feeling like I do now, I wish I could join him.
I hate life. I do. I hate this pathetic existence, the mundane days, the race we all have for jobs and money just so we can live somewhere rather than LIVING. It doesn't make sense to me. I mean, it does, but it just seems like a waste. I don't see the point if I cannot be near my friends and have fun like I used to...or friends I thought I fucking had. They are probably glad to be rid of my worthless whining and pathetic pestering. If I were them and I read this shit I probably would feel the same. I feel like a ticking time bomb that cannot find anybody to cut the right wire so I don't explode...or for that matter, I cannot find anybody who would give a shit to cut the wire so I don't explode. They'd probably think, "Well, I'm out of range so I won't suffer. So explode. Die. I don't care." I don't want to go off, so I really really want to reach out for help but I know nobody wants to give it. It's like...just please, please just talk to me. Just be my friend. That's all I want. It's all I ask. And if you cannot find the time and if you do not want me in your life anymore, just say so. I don't want to suffer anymore and I don't want to chase after memories that have no relevance or substance now.
Does this sort of thing bother anybody else or am I that dependant on relationships to make me happy? To make me worth something? Am I crazy? Is this depression talking or is it just my personality...my damn cursed personality? I feel like I cannot live without these people in my life. They used to keep me happy and afloat above the black ick. Now, I just fell further towards it and I can't grab back on.
Sam, how did you find the courage to end it? And why can't I find it? I could at least join him. I had a dream about him two nights ago and awoke to find I had been crying in my sleep. I first saw him sitting, trying to catch his breath and hold on. He had come back alive somehow. I rushed to his side excited and wanting to hug him and immediately take him to the top of my stairs. I have three pictures of him there. Two are the last of him taken alive and the other is from my high school graduation party where we are hugging and posing. I wanted to show him these and let him know that I had missed him. But I couldn't move him otherwise he might die again. Being brought back made him sensitive, like a heart attack waiting to claim him again. Once he settled I was able to talk to him. I was sobbing all throughout. I told him about Betty estranging herself from us because of her anger and I asked if she'd be all right. He said God wanted her with him, but was waiting for her to find peace. Then I was going to ask about when I'd die but I chose not to. He had to go so I was hugging him and sobbing crazily. This is when I woke up. In the dream I knew I'd come to and feel it was really him coming to talk and assure me he was fine. I'm sure this is what everybody thinks after they lose somebody close and dream of them.
Feeling like I do now, I wish I could join him.
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