Ying-Yang

To explain the title: I'm both content and not. It's like when you look at a beautiful peace of wood, all put together, but inside perhaps there are termites slowly nibbling it until it collapses. I guess that is how I am most of the time. Nobody knows how hard it really is for me to keep it all together and be normal. That will soon change. Once we are moved out to Hawaii Kai, I'm going to join 24 HR Fitness, attend work-out classes or hire a personal trainer, then schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I'm going to get better one way or another, damn it.

I was uploading videos from my trip to Italy to see Katie and watching other ones and it really made me sad to think fun spontaneous moments like all of them could really be gone. Or rather, are gone. It's not like I'm at ISU anymore or can just hang out with them whenever. I miss having friends so much. It's like that awesome part of my life just left...except I'm the one who did. Why? Why was chasing a guy so damn important? I don't understand. I don't get why I just went to fricken Hawaii for Matt. I could have tried to go to Heartland...

Eh fuck it. I'm not going to continue bitching about shit I can't change.

Anyways. So I haven't worked since Thursday. It's been nice to be a bum, but I seriously just been either watching TV or doing crap on the computer. However, Saturday James and I went out to sign the lease for our new place. Then we took the puppies back home, went to the NEX and bought a couch set! It's so pretty. It's got like built in coffee tables. Then I got a pink Blackberry Pearl. Hooray for new stuff!

Hmm. In other news, I wrote Ashley a letter on Facebook about how much she pissed me off and that I no longer want her in my life. No response from her yet. I doubt if I ever will get one. This really makes me wonder how many friends must I lose still? I wish I could just sit down with a questionnaire right when I meet them and ask, "Number 1: Are you loyal or are you going to turn me in like a shitty purse and upgrade? Number 2: Are you going to play high school games and talk about me behind my back about 'OMG Ashley is so annoying! Blah blah blah." Number 3: Are you going to give me 100% like I'm going to give you? Example: Would you fly for hours to see me like I would? Would you throw caution to the wind and have fun? Would you help me out in a bind?"

I wonder how many would fail that. Another question would be, "Would you do me a solid and just leave once you realize you don't like me anymore or are you going to pretend you like me just to use me?"

I thought I left this crap behind when I got rid of my high school friends.

Sigh.

Nothing else going on I guess. I keep mentally switching between wanting to just get married to James and live out with rest of my life as a mom and wife. Then I think that I'd rather wait, have more adventures, not have kids until I'm like 30, etc. The only thing stopping that is knowing that if I want to hang out with anybody and have fun college-esque times, it's going to be all my effort. I just know it is. Nobody is going to call me and be like, "Ashley! Lets fucking party and go nuts! I'm going to fly to see you, ok?" It's going to be me going, "Dude, let's hang! I'll try to organize everybody, I'll buy my ticket to come out, can you get time off?"

Damn it. I know that isn't fully true, but it feels that way and I hate it.

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