Rage

Am I a terrible mother if I want to end my pitiful existence?

I keep thinking of dates to do it.  I think Feb. 1st, but then I realize Rain's birthday is that month and I wouldn't want to ruin her birthday for her for the rest of her life.  So then I push the date back another month...and I think, but wouldn't it be unfair for me to stay for Rain's birthday this year and not Autumn's?

And just like that, there is never a good time.

Panic sets in.  I'm stuck, aren't I?  Living for others.  Who is living for me?

Nobody.

I've made sure of that.

Those that I want to stay push me away.  And those that I want to stay, I push away.  Either way, they are gone.

Please.  Somebody find me and end me.  That way, maybe it is easier for my kids knowing it wasn't by my hand.  I can sink into the black ick forever, let it win.

I don't have the desire to fight it much anymore.  I know, I should love myself, live for myself, be my best self for my kids. But I hate myself so much.

What do I do when my fingertips are worn off to the bone, pulling myself up inch by inch, trying to stay alive by clinging with the last of my energy against this harsh terrain? What do I do when everything is so hard, so little energy, that I want to let go?  It hurts too much to hang on.

I loved him so much.  I was faithful, willingly so, for 3 years. Not that I am attractive anymore, but should any man have came my way (including Chad who just wants a hole), I would have laughed in their face knowing they couldn't compare, not even a little, to him.  I really do not think I have loved anybody the way I loved him. Colors were brighter, music was better, and I imagined him with me in every aspect of my life, enjoying the magic of everything together.  I was so excited to meet, so excited to share my love with him.

As you can see from the history in this blog, Invisible Reader, I have just desperately been searching for my person, maybe in the wrong ways and places.  I have wanted to be seen for the longest time, for somebody to understand me.  And I found that...and lost that.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I do not know what is right or wrong anymore.  I don't trust myself to know the difference. I seem to just keep ruining everything I touch, following my stupid impulses, thinking I'm doing right for my kids, but am I?  You see?  This is why I just want to die.

My kids surely would be better off, right?  How can I be right for them when I can't even handle myself?  Chores go undone for so long.  I'm so tired all the time.  Grocery shopping is hard now.  I'm just getting worse and worse the more I sink into the black ick. I just work and lie around and sleep anymore. I won't ever find a guy like him again.  And I do not want to be with anybody else.  But I don't want to live unloved and alone anymore. So...I'm at a crossroads.  Die, or die.  Cause he surely would never give me another shot.  And like I said...I don't want anybody else or to even remotely try to find anybody else. But doesn't he deserve better than you, Ashley?  Why give him the terrible gift of yourself?

Please...any deity that may exist...just strike me down.  I'm begging you. Just make sure my kids are okay.

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