I wake to the sound of the hum…

​Tell me what you’re chasin’

Because the night’ll never give you what you want

And if you can’t escape it

I hope you find whatever you’ve been looking for


I’m still here

Remember me


I keep swingin’ my hand through a swarm of bees

’cause I want honey on my table


I’m tired of the way that I’m feeling

It’s never ending, but I can’t let you go


I’d die in my sleep

To live in your arms

And I’d stay trapped in this dream

Don’t ring that alarm

Where do I fit?

I don’t belong


I wanna ruin all my plans

I want a fist around my throat

I wanna cry so hard I choke

I want everything I asked for


We make plans for good times

All neon, all surface

So kiss me before

It all gets complicated

I’ve got a taste for blood


I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just someone to blame


And I’m a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart but never killed

One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving

And life will lose all its meaning


Chew me up and spit me out ‘cause

You know that I’ll come back

End to end, we separate, but the

Emptiness attracts


I want to see you smile, but

Know that means I’ll have to leave


I’m not a person

Just a lump inside your throat

I’m so self-serving

You’ve been warned down get too close

I’m so toxic

I’m so hurtful

Who am I to be saved?


Somebody left on the sink, it’s still running

My eyes are gonna overflow


So when it’s all unfolding, when

You’re ripping out your seams

When the tides start calling, I hope

You think of me

When it’s all for nothing

Every fuck you chose to give

The truth was always ugly

Honesty is insensitive


I can’t seem to let myself leave you

But I can’t breathe anymore

I can’t seem to not need to need you

And I can’t breathe anymore


You took all there was to take

And left me with an empty plate 

and you don’t care about it


Every day repeats itself again

The cycle of our misery, it drives us all insane


So, I look in your direction

But you pay me no attention, do you?


I woke up today

Just to see if you called

And this beating in my chest won’t

Start back up


I know I wasn’t perfect, but I kept trying

‘Til I forgot why I stayed

You’ll be the end of me


I was a fool to have thought that I was worth

More than just a short life

And a lifetime under dirt

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pashchatāpa

Image
You were the pulse in a room gone quiet, the breath behind glass I never could break. And I, with hands too full of my own ruin, let you slip still aching for the weight of you. I never meant to drag you through my flood. Hurt swells like a tide in me, and I forget how not to drown the ones who try to reach in. Forgive me. For how I made silence a weapon, for every sharp word disguised as defense, for the way I bled abandonment onto you and called it love. You didn’t deserve the shadows I threw. Now you haunt my unmade bed, the bridge of every song I can’t skip. I want to live in the flicker between waking and dream where you always stay. I still feel you. Still wonder if you feel me too in the space between the chorus and the collapse. I was never trying to leave. I just didn’t know how to stay without setting fire to everything.
Read more

Will you halt this eclipse in me?

Image
I touch what I love and it splits at the seams. Like silk held in stormlight— too fragile for my heat. I never meant to bleed on everything, but my hands have mouths and they’re always starving. I don’t know how to be touched without shattering. I don’t know how to be seen without disappearing. So write it down the damage report, chalk outlines of everything I swore I’d never break. Am I the flood or the vessel? Am I the ghost or the ache? I watch them blink in slow retreat— those who once reached for me. Like I loved too loud. Like I needed too long. But I only ever wanted someone to stay and not vanish when the dark came, not protest when the lighting flashed. They call it ruin, missing pieces of Self every time I chose love with trepidation. Of every time I stayed when the silence was deafening. Am I still breathing in the aftermath? Still praying my daughter never learns to measure her worth like I do I am the storm. When will the rain fall softly? Let me fall into hands that don’...
Read more

I Give Up

Image
I give up on men. I didn't read my last blog to see where I left off. But lately I've been seeing a guy I met through Kaytie, Nick. They were in the Gamma Phi Circus together. He's really attractive, funny, outgoing, loves kids, etc. But lately he's been blowing me off and ignoring me. He never asked me out officially to date. It still makes me feel used and terrible that after all that excitement, attention, attraction...it just died all of a sudden. I have no idea if I'm just being paranoid or what, but I do know that I'm hurt and I feel shitty. I'm losing my faith in men very quickly. I'm going to be bitter and distrustful. Oh, who am I kidding? I crave some sort of affection and love that when anything comes, I embrace it. This will only set me up for more heartache and disappointment. If I ever see him again, I'll ask him what is up...if I don't chicken out. Let's see, what other news do I have? Oh yeah, bad news. Bad new...
Read more