In Circles

​I wanted to come on here and spin some beautiful words for ugly pain. Stupidly I think that if I make my words flowery and unique, hauntingly poetic and deep, that somehow the Black Ick within me may be properly expressed to the point that the poor human who happens to read this would know and feel how god damn painful my existence is and finally,,,finally…I will be seen. 

I want so desperately to be seen. To be known. Invalidation was my upbringing, abandonment my recurring nightmare. 

I think it is safe to say that no matter what I say, that isn’t going to change. 

What will it take for a suicide attempt to stick? When will I get it right finally so I can sink into nothingness and finally do something useful for the earth?

Live for the girls my mind chimes in. But am I really right for them? Can’t seem to overcome my self hatred enough to be useful. I feel like I constantly fail them. And I’m so so tired of trying to heal. I haven’t gotten that right yet in decades. 

The pain of failing everybody haunts me. I’m so lonely. So brokenhearted. I’m doomed to a lonely life. I know it. Either that or a tumultuous one. I’m tired of trying to be loved and to love others. I don’t know what it is about me that just seems to set off others. I must be bad and broken and wrong. 

I hate myself so much. 

A new plan begins. Perhaps I will get it right this time. 

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