…thanks for all the fish

​I fucking hate myself

I’m a disease

I’m merely a trauma filled sack of fat that is just kicked around


Unheard. Not believed. Known only for My worst moments and none of my good

Am I even good? Am I truly awful?

I must fucking be. I must. I must pool this black ick around me, pulling others in reluctantly to the point they must kick and claw at me, then turn around and push me under until I suffocate. 

I deserve it. 


I can’t do life anymore. I mean it. I really do. I wanna get through this weekend, take the girls to one more show, have fun with Sarah once more, come home, pass the kids back off to that piece of shit Monday night, and let go. 

I can’t fight with one more person. I can’t do it. I can’t stand it anymore. At work, at home, it’s everywhere. I never do anything right or say anything right and I come out feeling misunderstood and demonized until I believe it. I believe it. I do now. I see it. I am. It’s all my fault  it is  I’m bad person and I’m horrible and broken  I see now how my mom didn’t even wanna have me

Should I take some sleeping pills or a lot of gummies and then do carbon monoxide? Or should I punish myself, feel the pain? Pain. I deserve pain.

Should I even post this? Does anyone read? Does anybody care?

Better off. They are all better off. I add nothing good to the world. That’s clear to me now. Clear. 

Attention seeking. This is all will be seen as that. Right Heather? Didn’t believe me. “You won’t do it.” Fuck everybody. Nobody cares until you’re bleeding. Nobody cares until you’re dead. Chad only thought me worthy when he thought I died. Now that I’m back? Back to your regular scheduled abuse. Any tiny interaction is a good chance to get a shot in at me. Fights with him, always. Grey rock? Nope. Doesn’t work  

Shouting into the void lalala


Hello void. What’s that? Fuck me? Yeah. I know. I was far more eloquent in this blog almost 20 years ago. Now look how my brain is. Stupid. 30 years of wanting to die. 30 fucking years. I’ve known for far too long I’m not meant to be here. 

I must protect everybody from me. Must save them from myself. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m sorry I’m me. 


Don’t worry. I hate me too. More than anybody else. I hate myself. 

I’m sorry autumn and rain. You deserved better than me. I wish I could have done better and healed. I don’t know how anymore. I don’t think I can heal being an awful person. You both are the reason I fought as long as I did. I wish I was stronger than my illness or whatever is wrong with me but I’m not. You both are beautiful people and I’m honored to have been your mom. Please look after one another. I love you both so much.


I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend Sarah. I am a Debbie downer and I see now why you stayed away. I hope your physical pain finds relief somehow. You deserve it. I’m lucky you put up with me as long as you did.


I’m sorry Kyle. I don’t even know what to say other than I never loved a man more than I loved you and maybe some part of me felt like I didn’t deserve that and pushed you away. I never meant to hurt you any of the times I did. But my trauma is louder than my heart I guess. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I’m honored to have been your moon for the time I got. I still love you and will until my last breath.


I miss you dad. I really hope I will see you soon. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better daughter. You deserved better than me. 


A breath. A silence. A cry perhaps. Then the sun comes out again. 


And nothing matters.



“ All alone inside my head

All alone inside my head
To escape the thought of loneliness is to resistThere's no point to refuse thisCrawling toward something seriousI'm not trying to push you, I'm just too distantIs this who you are? 'Cause it's not who I amYou can't make me changeI'm just a shell with no substance
Now I know that I'm all aloneAnd nobody will come to save meThis is how, how I fall apartAll alone with these nightmares in my head
In time the walls surround meDecrepit fixtures on the shelf all fade from my memoryTrembling behind the maskDevoid of anything resembling humanity
Always under pressure, I dissolveVoid in my vacancyBuried underneath it allIn silence, I sink
Now I know that I'm all aloneAnd nobody will come to save meThis is how, how I fall apartAll alone with these nightmares in my head
All alone inside my headAll alone inside my head
I can't give myself to you furtherFor everything's so meaningless to meI'll rip out your heart'Cause that's all I'm good forI can't be your shepherd if I'm lost
Now I know that I'm all aloneAnd nobody will come to save meThis is how, how I fall apartAll alone with these nightmares in my head
Now I know that I'm all aloneAnd nobody will come to save meNow I know that I'm all aloneAll alone with these nightmares in my head”

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