Blog from 3/13/07

Got angry at Krupa and walked off tonight. It was even over something dumb that I could have blown off and let go. But instead I got mad, shaking mat to the point that it felt like it was going to burst, like I just wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. She wanted to go to a bar, Katie and I did not. I heard music playing, said it was pretty and I wanted to listen and drink wine, and she said she felt bad and didn't want to go to the bar anymore, etc. Anyways, I walked off, stared into space, went on the Internet, and came back. Katie probably hates me and Krupa too. I have too many emotions backed up from being so fucking happy all the time.

It sounds like I am only having a bad time in Italy, but I'm really not. Only when it gets dark out, and I'm alone, and I think. what is up with my catatonic moments? Why are they laughing, sounding as if they are having a better time with me severed? I should have just gotten killed on the street. There is nowhere I can be alone here. I t sucks. I want the small dark room. I need to punish myself. I don't deserve friends. Everybody would be a lot happier without my drama. Didn't I learn that lesson in high school? I'm really not meant to have people in my life.

When I went onto myspace.com, I looked at Andrew's site and I got a heavy feeling, a deep sadness. It's like, even though I had him, I did not. I have nothing, nobody. I have a meaningless and empty future, nothing to look forward to. I ruin everybody I touch. I haven't even left college and I already hate my future. I hope I die in my sleep. What do I really have to look forward to anyways? Angry friends? Empty romantic life? Debt? Bad grades?

I should die. I have nothing going on for me.

Comments

Phoex said…
Awww :/

You DO have friends even if we are retarded sometimes. And I definitely have missed you while you've been gone. Didn't know you were blogging or I would've checked here sooner.

Anyway I hope that means your life is less empty. And as for men? They don't complete you. I know it's tiring hearing that, but it's true. I've gotten 24 years without so much as a date, and 25 without a single kiss. So it's not like I'm all "yay" about that situation, but I'm not like, "dammit, I need a man" either.
March 20, 2007 at 4:40 PM
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