Slide Off The Moon

​What would you do if you weren’t afraid? Love myself as a piece of this universe, stars in my eyes and etched forever on my body.  And by loving myself, I can receive love from others, feeling them connected in the earth, through frequencies we both breathe into. I would keep you. I would pull you beside me, run our hands through the same blades of grass. I would only think of now and never later.  I’d forgive myself after loving myself. Because if I love myself…forgiveness for impulsive fear-based mistakes and regrets  is easy.  Right? If I wasn’t afraid, I’d say I’m sorry. I’d say what a fool I was. How I should have fought harder against these fears that you would one day loathe me, upset over upset, mistake of misspeaking and misunderstanding until I am missing you.  How I’m a coward that let my self-hate scream louder than my love for you did. After all, if I see what an annoying depressive burden I am…everybody will see it too, surely.  Surely. ...

​God, I am sorry to have abandoned you.  Please just let me die, Father. Please. 

​ I wish healing came with subtitles. I wish it paused the scene and whispered, “This is fear talking.” or “This is wisdom.” Instead, it lets them sound almost identical. I know people think endings happen because love disappears. Sometimes that’s true. Mine didn’t. I still loved while I was afraid. I still loved while I was exhausted. I still loved while wondering whether I was already failing someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have spent so many years watching homes fall apart that somewhere along the way I started believing love always comes with an expiration date. Maybe that belief protected me once. Maybe this time it failed me. I don’t know. I know I feared the fighting. I know I hated feeling like we kept ending up in the same painful conversations. I know I hated feeling misunderstood. But I also know I never stopped wanting us. I love him more than anybody I ever have before. Those things can both be true. I think what scares me the mos...