Changes
I haven't written in a very long time. A very very long time. And yet so much has changed.
I am now going through a divorce. James and I got married December 1, 2009. By June 2010, I went back home to Illinois to think about what to do with the rest of my life. I had fallen for another man and was very confused, pained, and overwhelmed. I felt like if I'm having strong feelings for somebody else, should I really be married? Should I just fight through it and save my marriage? We were having problems, fighting a lot, and I lost a lot of feelings for James. Some friends and family said to just go back to him and work on things, get counceling, and others said to just leave him. I really didn't like the counceling option. To me, we haven't been married a year. If we are already having problems and need counceling, should we even be married? Who knows.
I did decide to seperate.
Whether or not it was the right choice, I guess I'll never know. To be honest, I do miss him. Why or what for, I really don't know. The comfort of a familiar pattern, I guess. Maybe because I also don't want to have a divorce on my platter before I'm even 30 years old. It's like a stamp of failure. He was very kind to me, loved me entirely, and had good values. He did get boring, awkward, and annoying at times. I think he held marriage as a 50's good-natured television show. Coming home to a wife with her arms spread open, wearing an apron, and maybe muffins in her left hand. I wanted fun, excitement, and art. His family, also, were the same as he in their values and attitude. They loved me the same and treated me as their own. Did I make a mistake? Again, I'll never know.
All I know now is that my life is completely different than it was with him.
I did move on to that man I fell in love with, Tim. After months and months of talking and only one meeting (he lives in Florida and I was in Illinois), I moved in with him on a spur of the moment. Quit my jobs, packed a few things, and left my family in the dust. And after only a couple months of living together, I am now pregnant. Whirlwind romance indeed. After a while, reality slipped between the cracks and fights began to emerge like a slow spreading disease. I don't know if most know this about me or not, but when I am angry, when I am in the midst of a heated fight, I love nobody. I am very angry with you, hate you, and wish for you to disappear. I long to run away and hide, to be alone to my pain and misery. Tim gets hurt with my constant shouts saying, "I want to go home." But it's how I feel. After fights? No. I feel sorry and bad that I got that emotional. Then I fall in love again, smooth things over as if nothing ripped apart, and move on.
Though things with Tim are good and I love him, I still have fears that creep up that my past will only repeat. I'll get annoyed and tired of being in a relationship, somebody else will come along, and I'll hit the road and flip my life upside-down again. I must stay put and make things work this time. I have a future baby now that is in the picture.
Sometimes I don't even know how I got to where I am now. It's like my life was a montage, skipping one time frame to the next without even a breath in between. And suddenly, everything is different.
I am now going through a divorce. James and I got married December 1, 2009. By June 2010, I went back home to Illinois to think about what to do with the rest of my life. I had fallen for another man and was very confused, pained, and overwhelmed. I felt like if I'm having strong feelings for somebody else, should I really be married? Should I just fight through it and save my marriage? We were having problems, fighting a lot, and I lost a lot of feelings for James. Some friends and family said to just go back to him and work on things, get counceling, and others said to just leave him. I really didn't like the counceling option. To me, we haven't been married a year. If we are already having problems and need counceling, should we even be married? Who knows.
I did decide to seperate.
Whether or not it was the right choice, I guess I'll never know. To be honest, I do miss him. Why or what for, I really don't know. The comfort of a familiar pattern, I guess. Maybe because I also don't want to have a divorce on my platter before I'm even 30 years old. It's like a stamp of failure. He was very kind to me, loved me entirely, and had good values. He did get boring, awkward, and annoying at times. I think he held marriage as a 50's good-natured television show. Coming home to a wife with her arms spread open, wearing an apron, and maybe muffins in her left hand. I wanted fun, excitement, and art. His family, also, were the same as he in their values and attitude. They loved me the same and treated me as their own. Did I make a mistake? Again, I'll never know.
All I know now is that my life is completely different than it was with him.
I did move on to that man I fell in love with, Tim. After months and months of talking and only one meeting (he lives in Florida and I was in Illinois), I moved in with him on a spur of the moment. Quit my jobs, packed a few things, and left my family in the dust. And after only a couple months of living together, I am now pregnant. Whirlwind romance indeed. After a while, reality slipped between the cracks and fights began to emerge like a slow spreading disease. I don't know if most know this about me or not, but when I am angry, when I am in the midst of a heated fight, I love nobody. I am very angry with you, hate you, and wish for you to disappear. I long to run away and hide, to be alone to my pain and misery. Tim gets hurt with my constant shouts saying, "I want to go home." But it's how I feel. After fights? No. I feel sorry and bad that I got that emotional. Then I fall in love again, smooth things over as if nothing ripped apart, and move on.
Though things with Tim are good and I love him, I still have fears that creep up that my past will only repeat. I'll get annoyed and tired of being in a relationship, somebody else will come along, and I'll hit the road and flip my life upside-down again. I must stay put and make things work this time. I have a future baby now that is in the picture.
Sometimes I don't even know how I got to where I am now. It's like my life was a montage, skipping one time frame to the next without even a breath in between. And suddenly, everything is different.
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