Falls over falls...etc.

I don't even know what the hell to write anymore. I just chatted with Ryan and he got pissed off because supposedly I just love being depressed so much that I choose it and I don't ever wanna change. People without depression don't get it. It's a fucking mental disease. Don't you think if the cure for depression was to "just get over it," "try," "just be happy," that they would prescribe that? "Take one dose of self-esteem daily!" Lots more people would not have it if it were so simple. It's a lot harder. It's like any other disease. It takes time, medications sometimes, therapy, etc. I would love not to fucking have it. I'd love more than anything to take some damn anti-depressants and get some therapy so I could be normal and stop thinking so damn negative. I'd love to not feel insane, closed in, nobody to talk to. Look what happens when I do talk to people! They get pissed off or annoyed because when I try to hold a normal conversation, I stupidly start talking about negative things. Then I lose people. Then I hate myself for losing people then I get more depressed and now I'm in a funk and I should be working out but I don't wanna go now because I don't fucking care anymore about myself or how fucking fat I am. I'd rather just fucking die right now and be done with it. I mean, I'm fucking broke, I can't go to college to finish my stupid fucking degree...

I really really really hate life. I'm so lonely. I keep fucking up. I hate my job. I tried to be fucking happy Ryan. Now look what I did. "Oh, get over it. Try. You are using excuses."

Ohhh poof! Jesus fucking Christ why didn't I think of that?? It's not his fault. He tried. But people don't know what it is like! I'm not wallowing. I'm fucking drowning and I'm lost. I just want somebody to give me the push and the directions and just tell me, "here, do this, and your life will improve." There are just so many things going wrong...I'm on a fucking island all alone...it's too overwhelming and I'm too mentally weak to help myself anymore.

C'mon...just fucking kill me and be done with my suffering already.

Comments

Phoex said…
It does suck... You would be surprised at how many people do care, though, even if they don't understand. For awhile I was really really mad that no one was supporting me with my problems (I know I don't have depression per se, mine is more caused by outside factors, but I have gotten the "buck up little camper!" "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" speeches too, I don't understand why the fuck people would say that) but I realized that people have blinders on, and even if they care about someone it's hard for them to notice unless you make a big deal. But society teaches us to not make a big deal when we're dying inside, to stoicly grin and bear it, to the point that when we do cry out for help, we're made to feel like some dumb drama queen. I guess what I am trying to say is to just keep reaching out, no matter how retarded it feels, because you would be surprised at how many people will reach back.

I dunno, I hope that made sense. And don't worry--I have difficulties following my own advice, so if you think I'm an asshole for giving it to you too, I don't mind.
July 29, 2008 at 1:30 AM
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